Jokes About Being Puns

WARNING: It’s very chilling.

Someone posted it about a weak back.

But I just don’t know the rest

I guess alpaca my bags and leave

Thanks! I'll be here all week!

I decided it was too corny though...

It was suggested that I make a carrot cake today rather than a pie, but I only have a square pan. I just know that a square root cake would never work on Pi day.

Me: Did you know euthanasia is pink? Husband: What do you mean? Youth in Asia are yellow.

Because apparently euthanisia sounds like youth in Asia... Face palm.

C

Sorry, I’ll usher myself out….

Cause those types of jokes are super paneful. So it’s curtains for window jokes!

No pun in ten did.

Wooden tit.

(Credit Tim Vine)

They’re tasteless.

But it's not Gouda 'nuff.

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

I thought I’d snare it with you guys

It's a gas!

But there is absolute zero need or want for it.

What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.

Edit: there are two winners.

The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt

The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1

Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

To a certain degree.

My dad has type 2 diabetes, and has already had his big toe amputated. He learned today that they're going to amputate the rest of his toes. I need jokes about this to make him laugh. What I've got so far is:

• Trimming your toenails will take half the time now.

• You're closer to being a pirate than anyone in our family has ever been.

Any other ones you guys can conjure up?

This is more dad humor than a dad joke.

Cake day is coming up and so my son decided to give me a hard time about being old.

I responded that I may be old be he was catching up. He looked at me funny so I explained.

“When I was 24 you turned 1 year old. At that moment I was 24:1 or 24 times your age.

I am now 40 and you are 17 so 40:17 or 2.35 times your age. 24 is much larger than 2.35 so clearly you are catching up”

He responded, you can’t use ratios to compare two dates.

I said sure I can and made a graph:

https://imgur.com/gallery/5atlNhZ

I even included percentages to drive home the point.

He smacked his head and walked away.

Wouldn’t it

Wooden tit

While on the one hand, they can certainly be hilarious

It was the breast of crimes. It was the wurst of crimes.

Our six year old said "dad, stop! You're going to give me nightbears"

I'm a frayed knot

I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.

toooday is two-two-twootee-twooteetwo

everyone complained about this joke at the beginning of the year, I posted here and got downvoted, the ultimate dadjoke accolade!

There will be another on the 22nd!

I know this topic has been done to death in here and I apologise to the mods for bringing it up again but recent "jokes" have made me question what the point of this sub is.

I'd like to not have a discussion about "should we let NSFW jokes here or not" instead I think it should be important to understand what everyone thinks their defenition of a dadjoke actually is.

Before I say my definition I want to make it clear that I whole heartedly enjoy good NSFW jokes and I'm a regular visitor to r/unclejokes.

My defenition: a good dadjoke is something that is usually based around a bad pun or clever word play that makes people around you groan or roll their eyes, similar to the types of jokes you find in Christmas crackers, they are so bad that they are good. The language involved can sometimes be a bit NSFW depending on the subject material but on the whole if you change things about a bit your can make it suitable for most ages. It is the type of joke where when you tell it everyone's first reaction is to complain how bad it is before then secretly uttering a chuckle themselves.

I want to know what everyone else's definition of a dadjoke is so that we can see what everyone thinks. The old "it's a dadjoke because I'm a dad and I'm telling a joke" I just don't think is an accurate enough description so trying to get a better one.

Thank you.

We were driving to the local gas station to get gas, and houses still have their Christmas lights up. We also recently had a foot and a half of snow fall.

So we were going up the street and looking at the lights, before I noticed that there was a mound of snow glowing! A second later I realized that snow had buried a large bush that was covered in lights under about a five inch layer of snow. I thought it was funny and joked with my Mom about how a kid would react, saying “A kid would be so confused! They’d be like ‘Mom the snow is glowing’!!”

My Mom laughed and said, “It’s a real snow glow!”

It took me a second to realize it and I just started laughing.

Edit: I talked with her… my Mom actually said GLOBE! Lol!!!

Edit: You guys are super funny and I love this! Keep em coming! It’s such a problem you don’t realize how much I’m getting pandemic kids in my chair that just have anxiety about being out again and getting their hair cut and everything (who wouldn’t feel that way, right?!) You guys are giving me excellent material to make these kids feel a little more off their guard and more normal. I love you all

Technically a mom joke because I’m a mom but I get my best material here to tell the kids in my chair when I cut their hair. Funny jokes set them at ease and it’s so much more fun

1.) A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.

2.) I use mucho with my Spanish friends.... it means a lot to them.

3.) Q. Why does Michael J Fox make the finest milkshakes? A. He uses the finest ingredients

4.) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

5.) People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

6.) Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

7.) I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

8.) Q. What’s brown and sticky? A. A stick

9.) Q. What’s slippery and a foot long A. A slipper

I’ve got more but I don’t want this post to be too long so I’ll leave it at that. If I get enough upvotes I’ll call up my stepdad for more. Let me know which are you’re favourites.

Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.

Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.

It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck

If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car

How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit

What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka

What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places

I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope ✉

Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid

Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze

If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS

Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in

Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee

Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee

Pig black belt in karate Pork chop

How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.

You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.

I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out

What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant

did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?

What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn

What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio

What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe

Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.

My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief

Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop

Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th

"Save the Dad", jokes are the best because they aren't funny until you get them.

STD jokes don't have to be vulgar or inappropriate to be funny. Just about anyone you share them with will eventually succumb to how infectious they really are.

I've noticed quite a few uncle's have incepted this sub and refuse to get off our couch. I love you brother but you need to get a job and stop telling my kids your viral jokes.

Why can't you just tell a good clean STD joke?

Who's with me? Can we "Save the dad" sub?

Please help spread your STD jokes so this sub can get back on track.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says “I see you in here every day, do you think you might be an alcoholic?” To which the horse replies “I don’t think I am.” before disappearing from existence. See that was a philosophy joke about Descartes “I think, therefore I am” but if I’d explained that first, it’d be putting Descartes before the horse

Gastroenterologists have heard every colon/rectum/bile/poop-related joke ad naseum, but I managed to sling a couple of original zingers while being prepped for my colonoscopy.

#1

Me to anesthesiologist: How long have you worked at this clinic?

Anest: About a year. Been with field medical teams my entire career. This is the first time settled down in a clinic...and first time in gastro.

Me: I see. After years in the field, how do like working in an orifice?

Anest.: LOL, no idea how I haven't heard that one yet.

#2

Doctor: We're administering the sedative now. You'll wake up in the recovery bay where I'll brief you.

Me: OK, I'll see you on the outside...[getting groggy]...after you see me on the inside...

Doctor: OK, I'm stealing that one....

My dad passed away about 3 years ago. Now that I am a dad as well I thought I would pass on his favorite joke, bear with me cuz its long, but worth it...

A poor man who lives in a straw hut wants to to impress his neighbor. So he works for 3 months, enough to buy a fancy chair at the market. He calls his neighbor over for dinner one night and has him sit in the chair at dinner. He asks his neighbor, " isn't this a very nice chair? " To which the neighbor replies "it's okay i guess"...

Heartbroken, after the neighbor leaves, the man takes the chair upstairs and puts it in a closet and thinks.. maybe it was not a nice enough chair...

He then works 6 months, leaves his little straw hut and hitches a ride to the city and buys an extravagant chair with velvet padding. Once again he has his neighbor over for dinner, this time the neighbor says "it's nice, but I've seen better"

Sad, the man stores the chair in the upstairs closet. But the man could not be deterred.

He then worked for an entire year, left his little straw hut and went all the way to the capitol and bought a gaudy, gold painted chair with lion motifs and silk pillows.

The neighbor comes over to dinner and says. "Wow, what an ugly chair!"

Furious, the man grabs the chair, marches upstairs and throws it in the closet with such force that his entire straw hut collapses.

I guess people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones...

Wooden tit

Wooden tit

Wooden tit