A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about the baby.

The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.

Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?

Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.

Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?

There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I kept telling my brother not to put the Q-tip in too deep, but he never listens to my words.

It goes into one ear, and out the other.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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This year, my friend decided to play his string instrument with a neck and a deep round back enclosing a hollow cavity, with a sound hole in the body at the voting booths...

He was arrested for ear poll-lute-tion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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When he found out I was sick, my friend messaged me, hoping that I will quickly find a deep hole in a ground full of water.

I'm happy he wished me to get well soon.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend’s mom is so deep in denial.

She might as well be Egyptian.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RicanSlayer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
John Cena emerges from a deep slumber only to find he has wound up in the hospital.

JC: where am I?

Nurse: ICU.

JC: No you can’t.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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Deep in the villain’s super secret base

Deep in the villain’s super secret base, he noticed that his 10” concrete filled steel walls looked bare. He asked his minions why was there no large, artistic rendering of his terrifying logo hanging behind his desk.

His minions replied, β€œWe’ve tried everywhere, but we’ve been unable to find a sketchy artist.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tragicwaters
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
When is being ankle deep in mud worse than being waist deep?

When you're upside down.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twowheeledfun
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was at the pool yesterday, I began peeing in the deep end

The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in

πŸ‘︎ 317
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8791781927
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a sign at a roadside stand that read, ''Lobster Tails Β£1.5" so I stopped the car, walked over and handed my money to the proprietor. He looked me in the eyes, took a deep breath and said...

"Once upon a time there was this lobster..."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I have some deep-seated regret for covering my organs in gold.

I have internalized gilt.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastGhost18
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Constance Wu is in deep waters
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chexmp
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Another from a whiteboard deep in a hospital somewhere.

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine ..

.. But Catscan.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Equivalent_Squash
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the gland in your throat responsible for deep thinking?

Your philosophagus

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mythfanite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a couple of spuds who got acquainted in a deep fryer?

Friend fries.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trollcitybandit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend said that I'm in a deep pit of water

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad struggles to tread water in the deep end

β€œI can’t stand it here!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexanderplam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I remember an era when the temperature was always nice in summer; but we had deep snowfall in winter...

It was the best of climes; it was the worst of climes.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A British explorer is leading an expedition through an uncharted valley deep in Africa.

About halfway through the valley, drumbeats started rolling from the mountains around them. Everyone in the party was confused, but the local guides started to panic.

"We HAVE to get out of here by sundown, OR ELSE".

The explorer orders his men to pick up the pace, and keep moving. A couple hours later, The drums start beating more and more frantically. Again, the guides say: "Keep moving, WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE".

A bit later, the men hear horns echoing from the hills.

The explorer asks his guides: "what was that?"

They respond: "theres no time, we need to be out BEFORE SUNDOWN, we only have a few hours!!!".

Exasperated, the explorer asks "Why? What could be so urgent? And why do we have to get out by sundown?".

The guides reply, "at sundown, the bagpipe solo starts!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeb1122
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Two Greek people had a poetry contest. One of them wrote an excellent poem conveying deep emotions. The other person's poem is just one-character long. In the end, the short poem won

because it is just beta.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/louisng114
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
How much dirt is in a hole that's 1ft deep, 1ft wide, and 1ft long?

None. If there was dirt in it, it wouldn't be a hole.

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LyndsySimon
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2016
🚨︎ report
How deep is the pond frogs swim in?

Knee-deep, knee-deep.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuggeybug
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
🚨︎ report
When you're out in the deep,

And something bites your feet, that's a Moray.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajjanialthor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
🚨︎ report
If you dig a hole 60ft down, and poop in it, that's some deep shit.
πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotWizard055
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2015
🚨︎ report
If your computer won't stop playing rolling in the deep it's probably a Dell.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superman467
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the blind man who fell in a deep hole full of water?

Apparently he didn't see that well.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScoutsOut389
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad had to go home because he was "elbow deep" in ants. imgur.com/jt5dJFp
πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVTF_iz_Wright
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
🚨︎ report
My phone used to only turn on if it was being deep-fried in seawater and oil.

It was charged with a salt and battering.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkaic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I know on the outside I look competent, but deep down I have a debilitating fear that I'm actually in a bowl of spaghetti…

I guess you could say I have In-pasta Syndrome...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/intricate3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
🚨︎ report
How many cubic meters of dirt are in a hole that's 243.8 yards deep and 7.3 feet in diameter?

None! There isn't any dirt in a hole!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end.

Lifeguard noticed. Blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dottree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the one about the really deep hole in the ground?

Well... Well... Well...

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PickleFart69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report

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