I am colorblind. Could you help me determine its color?
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
I am very grateful and thankful to Student loans for getting me through College.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you..
I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
I am compelled to go through enclosed areas when driving coworkers to work with me.
I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
I lost my left nut to a cancer scare. So now when someone asks me how I am
I can say "I am all right. Literally"
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
People often ask me why I am willing to build barriers preventing the flow of water for anyone who asks...
I tell them it's because I give a dam.
Everyone keeps asking me that why am I such a pessimist all the time
I keep telling them that it's in my blood, be negative.
I am so glad Tinder found me a match
Because yesterday I lost my lighter.
My 14 year old dropped this one on me - I am so proud: two snare drums and a cymbal fall over a cliff...
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
This occurred to me at 1 am and I’ve never been more proud
Me: I am terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: [Screams in horror]
Therapist: Oh, I see
Me: [Screams intensify]
I am a butcher and my wife doesn’t like me introducing her to people
Especially when I say Meet Patty
My wife said to me, "am I getting fat?"
"No, sweetheart, you've been fat for years." I'll miss her.
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
I am a proud dad today - my son ask me what this Indian bread on top of the fridge is for
I told him it’s Naan of his business
Edit: he could have replied “papa dumb”
My dad asked me yesterday "Noah, am I a good dad"
I responded with "My name's Ron"
I am trying to figure out whether that fuel tanker in front of me is full or not.
Your gas is as good as mine.
My 6 year old daughter set up a party and led me to the registration sheet. It said "Sine here". Now I am wondering if there is another sheet that says "Cosine there".
Sorry for going on a tangent
Mom: "Are you alright?" Me: "Yes I am...
My dentist told me that I am a royal descendant
From his greeting me, I guess I am a regular at my dentist...
He always says, "you know the drill!"
I was wondering if this group could help me come up with puns for my husbands promotion watch. It’s an omega speedmaster. He loves puns and I am truest bad at them.
People ask me where I am stealing all my dadjokes from
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
Am I funny? Please tell me that I'm funny
Let me give you my exact location. I am
Wife: what are your plans for today? Me: I am going to the eye doctor
I've had a lot of people telling me that I am incomprehensible
Dudididjdemffhdjddent gesstsgoakrjcuffdvf sdxxvggdffff
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
I was teaching my son to play the piano. He played the Am chord for me.
My doctor told me that I am losing my hearing
I haven't heard from him since
Here’s an original one I just came up with just now while watching the Behind the Curve flat earth conspiracy documentary on Netflix. It made me realize that I am a flat eyeball conspiracist.
They’re just optical illusions.
Omlettin' this eggshibit of eggsellent eggample's of eggsciting and eggstraordinary egg puns. Don't eggsecute me I will take an eggsit. I am eggsausted.
Me: i am affraid of randomly thrown alphabets
Therapist: are you?
Me : screams
Therapist : oh i see
Me:screaming intensifies
“I am irrationally terrified of letters,” my patient told me.
“Are you?” I asked. My patent screamed. “Ohh, I see,” I said. He screamed even louder.
My 10-year old just saw me on Reddit and said this. I am proud.
Dad, do people on Reddit make fun of that sleeping lion song? It’s just a meme away, a meme away.
William has me wondering if i am or am not.
My family looked at me weird when I said I am a crossdresser.
"What?" I said and went back upstairs to finish decorating the crucifix.
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My dad called me at 6:30 am today to tell me this. He's in his 50's, I'm 30...
"Good morning, son!"
Hey, Dad, what's up? (Wondering if something bad is up)..
"So, you know why it's never a good idea to get in an argument with your dad?"
(I'm still groggy waking up) Why, Dad?
"Because he already knows all the 'Your Mom' jokes, and you definitely don't want to hear them from him! Ahahahaha!!" /hangs up on me.
When someone asks me, how good I am at weightlifting.
I'll always answer, I'm quite strong in that department
Convo between me and a lady friend, what do we think boys? Am I in?
My wife tells me that I am too indecisive
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