Every neighborhood that I have lived in has always had a terrible rock band in it. It seems like they follow me...
They are always 3 Doors Down from my house.
I don't really like to draw attention to the fact that I'm Thor's brother.
What can I say? I'm low-key.
The other day I saw someone that looked just like Amy Poehler but she was a littler shorter.
During the political season, I like to tour a factory that make seats suspended from above on which one can ride back and forth for recreation.
I was almost upset that my coffee tasted like dirt today
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
I was smoking weed on my NYC balcony when a pigeon perched nearby got a whiff and started making noises that sounded like poetry.
Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water. I was like..
My wife doesn't care that I don't like Indian bread
I got a candy bar that looked like a Harry Potter character today..
A man went to the psychologist and says: “I am really afraid of words that sound like letters of the alphabet! What do I do?”
The psychologist answered: “I see. Are you ok?”
(Unsure if this has been posted before, excuse me if it has!)
I met a really interesting woman in an abandoned house, and when we met, she sent chills down my spine. She moved so gracefully, that it was almost like she was floating. I thought we really hit it off, so I left her my number, but I never heard back from her.
I guess she’s ghosting me.
The three things that I like doing the most are eating my family members
Someone once said to me. “How do you sleep at night knowing that people don’t like you” To which I replied
My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender. I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:
"Yes, that seems like common scents."
I told my girlfriend that her singing sounds like Gwen Stefani. She asked me "Really?"
True story: Taking my daughter to her music lesson the other day and she says: "Daddy I think I'd like to start another instrument. We have that old violin laying around and I'd like to learn to play. Nothing serious just casually to learn a song now and then.
To which I replied..."So your intention is just to fiddle with it?"
I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella actually wanted to call it brella...
An inventor has made some glasses that can block out all dolphin-like animals from your vision. I think it's useless...
I don't see the porpoise.
I don't like to tell people that I wear progressive lenses.
The political affiliation of my eyeglasses aren't anybodys business.
A thing that I really like in asexual people:
They don't f*ck everything up.
I can prove that women like dad jokes
otherwise they would be called single guy jokes
I had a hunch that I wouldn't like the chiropractor, but he fixed my posture so...
I'd like to announce that I am retired...
... I was tired yesterday and I am tired again today.
I told my husband that I slept like a baby last night.
He said, “Did you cry and poop in your pants?”
If a person carries a pole with a flag that says "I like to be dominated"
... does that mean it's a substandard?
My wife doesnt like that i drink brake fluid, i tell her
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
A few years ago I bought a large, light-up beachball that looked like the Death Star, but I never inflated it.
I didn't want to be known as the guy who blew up the Death Star.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping!
With a really angry bear somewhere close by!
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.
The next day she locked me in the cellar.
I have an OC who’s a greek satyr except instead of being like a goat he’s like a donkey. It somehow only just occurred to me that he’s literally half-ass!
I got a candle that smells like bread.
I don't like funerals and I won't attend any that happen before 12pm.
I'm not a mourning person.
I thought that giving my son a bold Greek name like Zeno would empower him to succeed.
But he never finished anything.
I’d wonder what that would feel like
I came across a pile of poop that was made entirely of bananas the other day, I was like.....
I saw a ghost holding a bell that looked like Abe Lincoln
So my grandfather got a pair of pants tailor made, I asked him how they were, he said "They're like a poorly built mansion." "Why's that?"
You know why I like escalators that have signs that say "YES" at the top of them?
They're always inclined to agree.
“Hi my name is Koo, // I like to write poems that use, // five, seven, five style.”
I really like bread that’s been heated until it’s dry and crunchy.
I understand that you guys all like to distribute the playing cards for each hand that we play during poker night…
But if you could just let me do it, that would be the ‘ideal’ situation.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
I like to tell my wife that I can sniff bread out anywhere
She says it’s all just naan-sense.
I want to open a food truck that serves potato based foods like fries, mashed potatoes, poutine, hashbrowns, soups, ect. Called "Starch Your Engines"
I told my son that he's just like my recliner...
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