I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
I had a friend in high school that really wanted to become a pilot. His parents hated the idea. Every time he brought it up, they were like
I'd like to meet the dentist that would handle this
I have noticed that my dog likes it when the collar is very tight.
Turns out he is a 50 shades of greyhound.
A kid told me that I looked like I was 6 feet tall
It’s the highest compliment I’ve ever received!
I once told a girl that her body was shaped like a ketchup bottle.
She took it as a condiment.
I feel like it’s made worse by the fact that it’s an Undertale remix
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
My wife bought store brand ketchup despite the fact that I like Heinz. I threw it out, so now I guess she knows....
IntellectuaL or something like that IDK I'm not that smart
My wife acts like she doesn't know that I'm Joking
But then, I remember that she is JoQueen.
My children do the same thing, but then they're just kidding
I don't like to be told that I have a dad bod
I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.
I found out today that I like it when experienced men touch me
And then I paid the chiropractor
I really like that actress in “House of Cards,” “Manhattan” and “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.”
I heard that Santa’s workers don’t like to share their toys.
There's something that I don't like about "DO NOT TOUCH" signs.
I just can't put my finger on it.
I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'....
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. That’s when I realized the party was over...
Oops, they were out of thyme.
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
I'm not someone that likes to brag
even if i wanted to, not everyone knows sign language
I felt like a hero when I donated that kindey to save a kid's life
Figured the collection was getting a bit too big so why not
credit to the r/TwoSentenceHorror subreddit
I was in a cat competition that wasn't like your typical competition. They had a category for cat butts, which I ended up winning...
But it was just a cat-ass-trophy
My infant son is a bit constipated. My wife was like "I want to weigh him today" and I said that's not a good idea. She asked why...
Because he is full of shit.
She responded "you shouldn't say that"
I responded "what he just lies all day."
Real convo
My 3yo is in a phase where he makes up words a lot, and today I heard him singing "Crotch-ohs, crotch-ohs" over and over. I told my wife, "That sounds like the worst breakfast cereal ever..."
"But at least it's made with whole groins."
I like to watch People play games online. Guess that makes me a "Streaming fan"
Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like I’m dadding well:
Son: “I hate crumbs.”
Me: “That’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”
Son: “Well I don’t want to eat them.”
Me: “And they don’t want to eat you.”
Son: “Crumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”
Me: “What if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”
Son: “And I’d say you’re ducking weird.”
I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, “why is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
I told this girl I was talking to that I like to race cars, she asked me if I win often
I said no, the cars are much faster
I got a haircut that I didn’t like at first.
My wife asked how I keep track of all my dadjokes from Reddit. I told her that I write the ones I like on little yellow...
I wish I can be like that parent when I grow up
When I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my dad, she gasped, “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire!?” I replied...
“No, but he wants to be!"
Ya know, I really like the singer Sia, but I'm a bigger fan of the band that always closes her concerts
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
I was pondering some of the practical arts that are dying out like silversmithing and coppersmithing.
One of the most tragic is the art of hand making exit signs which is really on the way out.
With the onset of age, I'm forgetting really simple things, like the fact that cheese is made from milk.
Previously it would've a curd to me.
I'll bet she likes KateFC, *sorry for that*
Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it."
But that's just generally speaking.
I always yield to vehicles that look like they could crush my car. They have the right of weigh.
I tried learning about all the different kinds of aircraft but I quickly found out girls didn’t like that basic personality trait
They thought I was such a plane guy
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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