There is no reason to tailgate me while I am doing 75 in a 50
and turn off those flashing blue lights on your car. They look RIDICULOUS
I am the worst speller
You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
My girlfriend is leaving me saying I am not American enough.
Saw it coming a kilometer away.
I am writing a book about reverse psychology.
I am disgusted with jokes made at the expense of amputees.
They are just prosthetic attempts at humor.
I am best man at my brothers second wedding.
Is it ok to start the dinner speech with, "Welcome back everyone!!"
I own a sandwich shop and am desperate for workers.
I have a lot of rolls that need filling.
Man to Psychiatrist: I am depressed. All my four sons want to be valets when they grow up
Psychiatrist: That is the strangest case of parking sons disease I have come across so far.
I am giving away a legless parrot for free...
My wife left me because I am addicted to options trading.
She left me but I still have other options
I am going to make a website where you can report poorly maintained footpaths
Going to call it Trip Advisor
Asian Kid: Dad I am Asexual.
Dad: So disappointed, why not A+ Sexual
I am a master at forgery.
I have the certificates to prove it.
I am taking a girl to see that new film about Marie and Pierre Curie
I hear there is lots of on screen chemistry
I am sick and tired of people complaining about $8 beers, $10 parking, $20 service.....
If you don't like the charges, stop coming to my fucking house .
I am getting a little sick of my wife complaining that I sit around and do nothing all weekend.
I’m not going to stand for it.
When I argue with your mom she gets extra mad that I am cherry picking during the argument.
So when she starts to yell now, I go to the blueberry patch instead.
I am terrified of the elevator..
I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
I am Iron Man
This morning my fiancé said to me:
“Technically you’re iron man”
Me: “is this going to descend into something about me doing the ironing?” (I was sorting laundry at the time)
Him: “you’re female. Fe is Iron, male is man, therefore you’re iron man”
I rolled my eyes so hard I could see my spine.
Maybe I am a bed.
Because all the bedsheets happens to me.
He always says I am adopted, but I'm pretty sure
I am a salad scientist, it's a very complicated job
I mean, it's rocket science
I just pooped so much that I am extremely tired.
As of today, I am a proud recipient of a Nobel Prize. I got it for perfecting the procedure to create an absolute vacuum.
I am so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
I am going to tell you an exciting joke about lettuce...
However, you need to Romaine calm!
I am opening an express plastic surgery business.
Thinking it should be named 'Alpaca Lips Now'
It’s five am and I only had like 4 hours of sleep. Thought of this joke
What do you call a Christian fruit?
A peacher
I never understood when my wife says she is smart and I am dumb, so I stole her dictionary
Now I know what she means.
I am deciding whether to go lake or river fishing next week
I call it my Roe vs Wade decision.
I am almost 50 years old, but I have the cholesterol of a teenager.
It’s amazing —the stuff you can buy from the internet.
I am okay with using a pen, a piece of chalk, or even a highlighter.
But I have to say—-I draw a line with pencils.
I think I am done buying trash bags
I always end up throwing them away anyways
I am not saying my ex wife was ugly...
I actually quit my job, so I didn't have to kiss her goodbye in the morning.
Am I stupid for taking the wrong train and reaching somewhere far from my destination and not even realizing?
Mother: I'm exhausted! I was up until 4 am with the baby...
Father: It's probably not a good idea to keep the baby up that late....
Not a dad but I am about to have my wisdom teeth pulled.
I hope everything comes out ok.
I am so unlucky in love.
Last week I asked out a blind woman and she said, she's seeing someone.
A man went to the psychologist and says: “I am really afraid of words that sound like letters of the alphabet! What do I do?”
The psychologist answered: “I see. Are you ok?”
(Unsure if this has been posted before, excuse me if it has!)
I am sorry I didn't mean to push all your buttons.
I am starting a welding job...
Does anyone want to join ?
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