From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.

Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous when I'm putting in 70+ hours..

every single year

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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When I was 2 my sister was half my age, I’m now 70, how old is my sister?
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/starwars-kid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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I find most 70s solo female artists extremely vain.

They are a bunch of pre madonnas.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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I went to my dentist the other day and he told me I had 70’s teeth.

Dentist: β€œThey’re groOoOoOvy”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShayShayRian
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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I spent my night yesterday rediscovering a British ska band from the 70s

It was madness

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grimApocalypse
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
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A farmer said to me β€œI have 68 sheep. Can you help round them up for me?”

I said sure. 70.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rfcoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Can any body help me?

Can anyone help? There’s a bloke in this subreddit who calls himself Buster and he’s driving me mad with constant private messages. Day after day he sends me youtube videos of 70’s glam rockers The Sweet. Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way to block Buster.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shady7977
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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I can't wait for the Korean blues singer to come to town!

I hear his sound is very Seoulful and reminiscent of the 70’s.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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I scolded my son because he keeps turning down the thermostat.

I put it back at 70 and said "I've had it up to here!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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MOM: Look at all this work! I can't believe I have to be an adult for the rest of my life!

DAD: Not really hon. After 70 you can pretend to be senile, and be a kid again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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My dad is an old hippie, this was his thoughts on the 70s

"I used to do drugs in the 70s, now I don't care what the temperature is"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakyourfac
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2016
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My wife wanted to take our other two dogs on a walk

She had just come back from walking our other dog. I asked her what the temperature was like outside, because it was supposed to get into the 70's.

She said, "It's nice, I only had to put on my jean jacket."

"So you're telling me it's in the 80's?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GAU8Avenger
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2015
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Someone stole my mood ring today.

I don't know how to feel about that.

My 70 year old uncle posted this on Facebook.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDGcamo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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A friend of mine is a shepherd.

He asked me if I'd help his round up his sheep.

I asked, "how many sheep do you have?"

"67", he said.

"Ok then", I said, "70".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/watsee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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My family keeps saying that I need to grow up.

Jokes on them I’m only 20 and my doctor said I have the spine of a 70 year old man.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N0tuniqueEnuf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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Her: Don’t you wish we could throw a dart randomly at the globe and go visit the place where it lands?

Me: Not really. There is a 70% chance we will be in the middle of the ocean.

Her: This is why no one hangs out with us anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2018
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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for Β£1.75...

...a chicken and mushroom pie for Β£1.60 and an apple pie for Β£2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you Β£2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is Β£1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for Β£1.95.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

Credit goes to an excellent joke making friend of mine

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sassy-andy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2017
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Today is Neil Young's 70th birthday

This literally just happened.

Context: I'm 30yrs old. Got my own place. My dad and his business partner are staying with me for a meeting they have in the morning. Dad's friend is browsing the news on his laptop. He casually says Neil Young's birthday is today. He's 70 years old.

My dad goes "I guess he's Neil Old now"

Is it a sign of getting old when I find his dad jokes hilarious?

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TonzB
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2015
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Where I come from $50,000 won't buy you a lot

They're all listed at $70,000 or more

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendan_07
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2014
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He said it almost every car ride

While driving in the car listening to 60's - 70's rock radio station

Led Zeppelin, ACDC, Foghat etc. would come on and my Dad would immediately start singing. Somewhere down the line he blatantly screws up the lyrics loud enough for all of us to hear and would say...

Smacking the drivers wheel "Damn, I really hate when the radio stations mess up the lyrics like that"

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackcactuswes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
🚨︎ report
One of the hoses was imported from Mexico!

I grow bonsai trees. Somewhere between 50-70 of them. My Dad was visiting the garden and asked how I watered them. I said I used two hoses, but one of them was Spanish. He asked "How can you tell?" I replied, "Well, there's Hose B and Hose A."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeroJoke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2016
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Getting dress in the morning dad joke

I turn to my wife and state matter of factly,

Did you know that over 70% of the socks made in North America are made by the same company, under different brand names? However, despite their size and large market share, they treat their employees very well. Every year they give away a bunch of free socks to each one, and employees get to pick which brand of free socks they get.

You can always tell a good company if it gives its employees sock options.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosmonkey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Got dadjoked by a randomer earlier

Taking my dog for a walk, an old bloke, mid 70's in a flat cap was going past, with a wheelbarrow with some large wooden pallet board-y looking things in, as he went past me he said "I'm going to a board meeting"

Burst out in laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oneinchwalrus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2014
🚨︎ report
My friends dad told the most amazing dadjoke and roast in one sentence

"hahaha ok so my dad comes in my room and goes do you like disco music and I was like uhh yeah I guess and he goes cause it looks like your stuck in the 70's and hands me my report card that has 3 c's on it and I died laughing it was the funniest thing ever"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charizard16
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Went to dinner with my grandfather

He ordered a pot pie that had been advertised that the restaurant had been serving since 1976.

Every time someone asked him how it was ge would reply that it was great for having been in the fridge since the 70s.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wadeace
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2016
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Got my Economics teacher

In my high school Econ we were talking about the 70s

Teacher: In the seventies there was high unemployment accompanied by high inflation. Does anyone know what this period is called?

Me: Economics

Teacher: sigh

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ejgamer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2015
🚨︎ report
How long does a cardinal live...

So sitting in the car with my dad and mom back in the day and a discussion about birds arose. It went on and arrived at the lifespan of cardinals.

My mom asks my dad, "How long does a cardinal live?"

He responds, "Probably at least 70 years"

Shocked at why he would think they lived so long, she asked, "Really? What makes you think that?"

He responds, "Well, I figure the pope is about 80 something"

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pi34322
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
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How Long Have You Had Your Hair?

I was looking through pictures of my dad in the 70s, surprised how long his hair was. Made me wonder what was the longest he had ever had it.

Me: How long have you had your hair?

Dad: 56 years

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BruinScott
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
🚨︎ report
Got dadjoked by a customer who had the same name as my dad today

I was selling a cellphone to a customer and asked him his name - he is an older gentleman around 70. He said his name is Ron, to which I replied, "That's my dad's name!"

He replied "Well you know what they say... Two Ron's always make a right!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goddessofthecats
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Got dad joked by a stranger at Home Depot possibly my future self

As I was leaving the Home Depot today an elderly man likely in his 70's approached me and said,

"Hey young man I want to tell you something, you how they always see bees flying around gas stations?"

I didn't but I wanted to leave so I said "yes"

He says "Well they found out the bees are using the bathroom while they're flying around the gas station... And you know what their favorite gas station is?"

I say "Ummm nope"

He says "BP! Bee pee! You get it!"

I got a good laugh at that one and for some strange reason I feel that some number of years from now I will be trolling the Home Depot parking lot making Bee Pee jokes and someone will send me back in time to save dad joking for future generations and I will tell myself that joke for the first time today...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimillett
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2016
🚨︎ report
My SON with the dad jokes!

So tomorrow's schedule is up in the air for a lot of different reasons. My son and I were talking about the day and I mentioned, "Just stay fluid and we'll get it covered."

"No problem dad, after all I'm 70% water."

/facepalm as I wipe a tear of pride out of the corner of my eye.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazySumo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
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Even during this, my dad still tries to pull off a joke

So, let's start off with a fact about myself: I'm vegetarian. I've been one my whole life. Now, let's get to the story.

Basically, I was driving down to camp at a Battleship with my dad (for a Boy Scouts trip), and this was during my first 6 months of learning to drive. This was the most intense trip for me (so far), and I was already nervous about driving on the interstate, so I was doing my best to practice proper driver etiquette.

Now, here's where the story gets interesting. I'm cruising down the interstate, going approximately 70 mph in the middle lane, when all of a sudden, I see a deer emerge onto the road from the right. It's running to the left (aka, trying to cross this interstate). The car to the right of me slams on the brakes, so the deer kept running. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could, BARELY missing the deer. The car to the left of me was unlucky. The deer smashes its head into the left car's headlight and it flips over to the right (over my car). Clearly, it's dead, and as it flipped over my car, a lot of its blood gets onto my windshield.

I'm horrified. I kept driving forward. Trying to make sure I didn't veer off or anything. I look to my dad, and my hands are slightly shaking while I'm continuing this trip. My dad looks over to me, smiles, and says, "Don't worry, my 'deer'. Keep driving."

I looked back at him with the most disgusted face, and he just started giggling. Good god, this was NOT the time for a dad joke, but nevertheless, my dad didn't fail to deliver.

I thought I'd hate him forever after this and people would agree with me, but now this joke gets one of the largest laughs from people at parties. <_<

tl;dr My dad's sense of humor appalls me.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkymonkeyman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
🚨︎ report
Got over charged at a hotdog stand

There was an extra zero on the bill, so it ended up being like 70 bucks. Called the customer service at my bank and threw this gem into the conversation :

"I mean I'm just ball parking, but $70 seems a little steep to be frank."

Cue dead silence on the line. I relish these moments.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/domuseid
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2014
🚨︎ report
I dislike most 70’s female solo artists because they appear vain.

They are a bunch of pre Madonnas.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
🚨︎ report
A farmer came up to me and said, "I have 68 sheep, can you round them up for me?"

"sure" I said

"70"

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mo_Stache_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
🚨︎ report
A farmer came up to me and said, "I have 68 sheep. Can you round them up for me??"

I went, "sure, 70"

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tempsilon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
what happens after 69?

70

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AxeellYoung
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
🚨︎ report

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