I'm aiming for where to start. All of my resources are shot. I'm gunning to go soon. Please be a deer and let me know.
I've herd the animals go out with a bang.
So we went home.
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
He wanted to get the biggest bang for his buck.
(Five-year-old) I'm a fun guy, so they would eat me.
It was Whiskey business
Cattlecattle
Sorry, may not be a dad joke, my wife actually laughed.
You have my word.
(My dad put wrote this on the fridge, pls don't kill)
It was cutting edge technology
The airline only permitted one piece of carrion.
Son: Wow that stream is really rush'en.
Me: oh good that is so much better than German.
I just had to pick a country real quick not trying to make any statement....
Their method for hunting polar bears was the most interesting. They would start a fire out on a deep snow bank, and essentially melt a hole in the snow. Once the hole was big enough they would stop feeding it firewood and let it burnout on its own. Once the fire had gone down and was nothing more than smoldering ashes with a little bit of smoke, they would line the edge of the fire pit with snow peas.
All they had to do from there is hide and wait. Once a bear caught scent of the smoke and starts to investigate, the bear would eventually start eating some of the peas. Then they sneak up behind it and kick it in the ash-hole.
He only hunts knights!
A man and a woman were on their first date.
“So, I hear you hunt deer,” the woman said.
The man looked away and turned red.
“What’s wrong?” asked the woman.
The man bashfully replied, “I’m not used to someone calling me ‘dear’ on the first date.”
A stock broker
Lawyer, chemist and a statistician are out in a forest hunting for deer. After one hour of patiently waiting lawyer finally spots one. The lawyer shoots at a deer and misses half a meter to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses half a meter to the right. Both are furious and dissapointed as they see the deer escape.
Chemist asks statistician - "why you didn't shoot ?"
Statistician replyes - "I didn't need to, we already shot him !".
Suddenly one of them spots tracks.
"Deer tracks" says the first hunter.
"Moose tracks, I know moose tracks when I see them" says the other hunter.
They keep arguing over the type of tracks they're looking at, until they get run over by a train.
"Don't get the hart before the course!"
The only thing I managed to shoot was a feral cat. Great shot though, tore the thing in half and the front half was nowhere to be seen. Filled with pride, I picked up the feline's hind quarters and thought I'd have a go at taxidermy to make a plaque for above the mantle. What a catastrophe.
That way I get more bang for my buck.
That's when my little sister screamed to me, "Don't eat it, it's an asshole."
You cut a hole in the ice and put frozen peas around it. So when they go to take a pea, you kick them in the ice hole.
I finally battled my Damons.
This is my dad's favorite dad joke.
A teenage T-Rex named Maynard and his father were out looking for dinner.
"Oh hey, dad! Look! A stegosaurus! That'd be good!"
"My Maynard son, no. That would be so hard to chew. There's so much armor there."
A little while later:
"Dad, check it. A big old nest of Pteranadons! Chicken tonight!"
"No, my Maynard son. They would fly too fast, and we cannot reach up there with our arms."
Finally, "Dad! Dad! Check it out! A herd of brontosaurus! It'd be so easy!"
"No, my Maynard son. Brontosaurus ribs take a long time to properly age before they're good eating. Everyone knows this."
The teenage T-Rex stomped and roared, "Daaad, what are we doing? There's stuff right here to eat! What the hell are you looking for, anyway?"
The elder T-Rex shook his head and said, "Carrion, my Maynard son."
[removed]
I don't even know where sandwiches live.
...so they went home.
It was quite pheasant
I wouldn't. It's ill-eagle.
Hey, I didn't see you there.
He said "You should give it a shot."
With a well orcastrated attack
I don't know how he could known; I haven't been hunting in years!
Poor guy was holding on for deer life.
But I didn't Habanero.
“More bang for your buck.”
So the other day, me and a foreign dude I know went hunting in the woods (you know, since it’s such an classically American thing (I know)). Anyways, so while we’re there, we get attacked by a four armed bear. Luckily, we were able to kill it before it killed us. Then I realized how rare this was, so we decided to take a couple of arms each as a trophy. So I let him, the foreigner, have the left pair, while I, as an American, got the right two bear arms.
Sorry, wrong sub.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
I just don’t see it.
He’d be Minnie Driver’s mini Mini Driver.
Man1: what do you do for work
Man2: i sell anti-polar bear spray
Man1: huh... there aren’t any polar bear’s here
Man2: good spray am i right
The secret reward is called Waist of Time.
Well played, Blizzard, well played.
Either or, I'm bambidextrous.
http://www.mit.edu/~puzzle/2019/puzzle/joke_o_lantern.html
If you're completely lost, click "SOLUTION" in the upper right, but it's worth trying to solve it yourself first.
That wasn't very cache Monet of you.
Me: "Sure! You can do an Easter-egg hunt every single day"
^^^You ^^^probably ^^^won't ^^^find ^^^any ^^^though.
They see a deer, so the physicist takes a shot and misses 3 feet to the left. The mathematician takes a shot and misses 3 feet to the right. The statistician puts his gun down, and yells “good job guys! We hit!”. (Technically a joke from my professor, but it felt very fitting here).
EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.
( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )
Hey everybody,
The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.
Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.
You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.
That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.
So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.
Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:
- You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
- You have a good sense of humour
- You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
- You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
- You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
- You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
- You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
- Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required
Here's what I am not looking for:
- Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
- An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
- A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say
If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int
... keep reading on reddit ➡I prefer mine poached
They spirit.
The law says it's fair game.
My wife says "Well it's not going to be hard to find a huge easter egg." My wife has officially become a dad.
What type of ammo do you guys use?
Nuclear Fission.
Oops wrong sub.
A quack addict.
I asked him if he had a good trip dispite the weather being a bit fowl.
My wife was helping me look for a job online when she said, "Here's one that pays pretty well to wash mirrors". I looked at her and said, "Yeah I can see myself doing that".
I am their main stake holder.
He killed a wild cat and hung it's ass in the wall. Me: why did you hang the ass and not the head? Dad: because son, it's a cat-ass-trophy.
At the quack of dawn.
A salt rifle
Dad: You going out tonight?
Son: Yeah, just about to change really quick and head out.
Dad:. Hold on, I got something for you!
Son: ...ok...?
Dad: I got some camouflage and blaze orange for you to wear while you're out?
Son: ....?!
Dad: It's for dear hunting!
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
-
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
-
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
-
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
-
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
-
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
-
August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
-
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
-
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
-
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
-
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
-
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
-
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
-
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
-
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
- Took a bo
They sneak up on it and build a barn around it.
Santaflage
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left.
The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".
Because, from a distance, they'll look like hares.
Good camouflage is hard to find.
She said, “Finally! You are battling your Damons.”
Good camouflage is hard to find.
He didn't habanero.
It said “Bear Left”, so they went home.
On his way to a bear hunting trip, the man saw a road sign that said “Bear Left” so he went back home.
Because he didn't habanero
