My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, βLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?β
Larry replies, βGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heβs fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iβm done, poof! The light goes off.β
βWow, thatβs incredible,β the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryβs wife.
βBonnie,β he says, βLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iβm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heβs done, poof, the light goes off?β
βOh sweet Jesusβ, exclaims Bonnie. βHeβs peeing in the refrigerator again!β
π︎ 119
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
βHow are you doing?β
βWell, my hydrogen atom lost its electron. So thatβs a plus.β
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 17 2019
How are you doing?
π︎ 66
π
︎ Jul 04 2013
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me how to do the splits. He said βhow flexible are you?β
I said βI canβt make Tuesdaysβ
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
Do you know how many clickbait articles there are out on the Internet now?
The answer may shock you.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
How do you know if certain fruits are good for you?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Dad: βHow are your grades, son?β Son: βTheyβre underwater, Dad.β Dad: βWhat do you mean, underwater?β
Son: βTheyβre below C levelβ
π︎ 121
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: Thatβs when I went to Yale... Interviewer: Thatβs impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Nov 06 2019
Do you know how badass lions are?
They became kings of the jungle without even living there
π︎ 23
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
How do you know your Rice Crispies are stoned?
They go, "Snack, Popple, and Crap!"
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 29 2020
How do you tell if noodles are old?
If theyβre pasta expiration date.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Mar 16 2020
My jackass husband just hit me with this one. Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?
π︎ 210
π
︎ Jul 03 2019
How do you know when things are getting out of hand?
π︎ 82
π
︎ Feb 21 2019
How many people do you think are dead in that graveyard?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 20 2019
How do you know that frogs are skateboarding enthusiasts?
Theyβre always saying βrip itβ βrip itβ βrip itβ
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 31 2020
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 26 2019
How do you know Quantum Computers are gender fluid?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 04 2019
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Apr 06 2019
If you are in the woods, how do you tell if a tree is a dogwood?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 23 2019
You are stuck in a cement room with only a table and a chainsaw, how do you get out?
You cut the table in half, because two halves make a hole.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 22 2019
Do you know how many cows are Russian?
Bruh, Moscows are Russian.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Mar 15 2019
How do you ask a kidney doctor if they are there?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 01 2019
If your kid asks you "dad, how many kidneys do i have?" And you don't say 4, are you really a dad?
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 28 2019
Do you know how many donkeys there are in NYC?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 08 2018
One time a German tourist dove into a river to save someone's dog. When he came back, he said to the owner, "Here iz ze dog, put him in a blΓ€nket so he iz dry and warm." The owners ask him, "How do you know, are yoy a vet?" The German looks at them blankly, "Vet? Im fucking soaking!"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 25 2019
How do you know pelicans are optimists?
If they were pessimists weβd call them pelicants.
π︎ 96
π
︎ Mar 31 2018
How do you know that oranges are Jewish?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 13 2019
How do toenails let you know they are tired of your dad jokes?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 01 2019
I was walking through the forest with my girlfriend when she asked "how many trees do you think there are?". I stopped, look around, and said:
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 20 2018
How do you know the letters A through Y are all evil letters?
Because they're all not Z's
π︎ 72
π
︎ Nov 26 2016
How do you know that skeletons are straight?
Theyβre dead, they canβt come out of the closet.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 17 2018
How do you know if road advertisements are authentic?
They are always signed!
Credit goes to my young nephew (future dad) William
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 13 2018
Some well considered puns
From an email my cousin sent me:
I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.
I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.
The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.
A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.
Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.
Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.
To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.
If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.
Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.
Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.
If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.
A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.
Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
How do you call it when horses are into BDSM?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 25 2018
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, βLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?β
Larry replies, βGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heβs fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iβm done, poof! The light goes off.β
βWow, thatβs incredible!β the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryβs wife.
βBonnie...β he says. βLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iβm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when heβs done, poof, the light goes off?β
βOh sweet Jesus!" exclaims Bonnie. βHeβs peeing in the refrigerator again!β
π︎ 45
π
︎ May 18 2018
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, βLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?β
Larry replies, βGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heβs fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iβm done, poof! The light goes off.β
βWow, thatβs incredible,β the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryβs wife.
βBonnie,β he says, βLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iβm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heβs done, poof, the light goes off?β
βOh sweet Jesusβ, exclaims Bonnie. βHeβs peeing in the refrigerator again!β
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jul 13 2018
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, βLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?β
Larry replies, βGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heβs fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iβm done, poof! The light goes off.β
βWow, thatβs incredible." the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryβs wife.
βBonnie...β he says. βLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iβm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heβs done, poof, the light goes off?β
βOh sweet Jesus!" exclaims Bonnie. βHeβs peeing in the refrigerator again!β
π︎ 28
π
︎ Dec 06 2018
I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said how flexible are you? I said I canβt do Fridays.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Sep 07 2019
How many dead people do you think are buried in that cemetery?
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 07 2016
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 04 2019
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 10 2019
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That's when I went to Yale... Interviewer: That's impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 07 2019
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 27 2019
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 23 2019
How do you know Quantum Computers are gender fluid?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 04 2019
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other: βDo you know how to drive this thing?β
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 01 2019
I said to the gym instructor: βCan you teach me to do the splits?β He said: βHow flexible are you?β
I said: βI canβt make Tuesdaysβ
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 14 2018
[Dad, driving by a graveyard]: "Do you know how many people are dead in there?"
"No, how many?"
"All of them!"
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 17 2017
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