So pardon me if my clothes look wrinkled.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
I'm avoiding it like the plague.
Ba dum tsss
They put me in the ICU
I have only my shelf to blame.
He went broke.
I don't know, but that sounds like a rip-off to me!
...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?
It was a real pane in the ass.
Me: "How rare?"
Doc: "You pick the name.
A three peas suit ...
He never recovered
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...
Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?
Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.
The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...
Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?
Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head
This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says...
Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH
Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
The ultra sound guy
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you". Got an eye roll and a kick for that one.
Don’t worry, my injuries are super fish oil.
'cause they have little anty bodies
We were sat watching TV and I said "I'm going to have a lie-in tomorrow", she replies with "I'm going to have a Tiger"...it isnt perfect but she got me nonetheless.
Dad: I am being serious and don't call me shirley
"The ambulance", he says.
Me: Is it feet?
She's never amused. It's usually a small pebble or a piece of tree bark or something.
"Solo you can't hear it." My sister-in-law pulled it up on Netflix because it looked like a good laugh. As soon as the old man said that I was dying.
she comes back into the room after talking to the doctor
"So it looks like you have an ear infection, does it hurt?"
"No not really, it was ringing earlier but that's it."
"Well did you answer it?"
I burst out laughing, I never heard that one before and thought it was hilarious and had to share.
I now have so much respect for all the jokes in here,
So i just became a dad on Friday to a beautiful baby girl and my story goes like this.
Today a Midwife came into the room where my wife and I were and started with a speech " Hi my name is !editingoutinfo! I was wondering if i can take a blood sample from the baby, It's voluntary, it's for statistics and it gets sent out to a lab and they test for all rare conditions, they are going to test her genes and..."
At which point i stopped her and said "we haven't got any jeans for her, everyone has been buying her pink dresses"
she gave me a pity laugh and said "ohh the dad jokes are starting already"
What is happening to me?
they put me in the icu
