Last week I lost both my hands in a terrible accident at work. Now, I would have sworn there's some kind of procedure I need to follow to get disability insurance...
but I can't quite put my finger on it.
What do you get if you give T. Rex some Redbull?
I was gonna tell a joke as we waited to get some mixed fruit juice
my married friends and I are going to get together on Fridays and play some music
My wife said, “We should get a compass in case we get lost in the woods hiking some day.”
I said, “Not sure how drawing perfect circles will help, but ok.”
I was looking at my herb garden to get some herbs for my meat.
Some internet users get annoyed when I post in italics
I guess its too right-leaning for them
Some friends wanted to get married at the public library, but they couldn't...
Because it was booked.
-My Pops
My herbal addiction is getting out of control. Rosemary, Sage, anything to get that herbal hit. When the money ran out I raided the garden, that's cleared out now. Some friends have been lending me some of theirs, but it's not enough to keep me going.
I'm just living on borrowed thyme.
What do you get when a pop singer drops their laptop in some brine?
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
Some people climb to the top, while others get stepped on.
I was at a buffet trying to get some spaghetti but a lady was blocking me...
I was able to get an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom with some flowers, and to my complete surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
I just stopped at a gas station to get some air for my tires. Two dollars! For air! I can’t believe it, I remember when it was 50cents! I remember when it was free!
There are several ways to get to the second floor. Some prefer the stairs, others the elevator.
Some of you will get this.
I couldn't think what present to get my wife for her birthday, so I asked her. With tears welling in her eyes, she replied, "oh darling, nothing would make me happier than some diamond earrings".
I'm trying to get some data on the weight of the average two bowel movements in Boston.
Or more specifically, the mass of two shits.
I went to get some new bees for my hive, I told the guy I only needed 12 but the guy gave me 13. So I asked him why.
I couldn't get into the club without a necktie, so I wrapped some jumper cables around my neck.
They let me in but warned me not to start anything.
Some people will get this.
Drove to the pharmacy to get some sleeping pills
Drove back slowly so I don't wake the sleeping pills up
Just made this up on the ride into work (sorry in advance).... In order to get their degree, dermatologists need some:
Is there some deeper pun here? I don't get it LOL
Going to get some flowers for my wife
Thorn between the red or the white ones.
My friend managed to get himself stuck in some gorilla glue, flex tape and cooking oil. He called me asking for some help so I replied...
Sorry but I dont wanna get stuck in the middle of all this.
What do some birds have to pay when they get divorced?
I need some special clothes. My extended family is having a little get-together for Flag Day this year.
The attire is semaphormal.
We're having some guests on Christmas, so we decided to get them stockings to hang with ours. We went to a store where they have a display of stockings with monogram letters. Contrary to what the song says...
There were lots of L's.
[I pulled this one on my wife as we were rummaging through the display looking for the right letters for our guests' first names. I was afraid the joke was too obtuse, but bright girl that she is, she got it right away. She gave me a wonderful eye roll and said, "You had to go there, huh?" Our kids are in college now so we're empty-nesters, but I can still have a proud dadjoke moment sometimes.]
If you get drunk on Christmas and touch some ones ass...
Is that a rum bum bum bum bum
I went to the golf shop to get some lunch. Very disappointed...
...they only had sandwedges.
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
I wanted to go to the pub to get some Guinness, but I just realised that they had just ran out.
So there was no pint anymore.
It’s been 60 years since my dad said he was leaving to go get some milk...
At this point my guess is they are both expired.
The Queen wanted her daughter to get some job training.
So she got her an aprincesship.
So Bert and Ernie are walking down the street. Bert turns to Ernie and asks “want to get some ice cream?”
Some people get Wheele-y Tired of my puns, so I have to Tread lightly. JEEPers, I have to stop.
Why do some melons never get married?
Because they simply cantaloupe.
I made some ideas into images to put on to phone cases. This is my favourite - Get Off Your High Horse
I'm a line cook and looking for a way to get in on some of the extra cash that servers earn.
Got any tips you can share?
Her: "I gotta get some pasta"
Him: "right now? Don't you mean... Present-a?"
Where did the music notes go to get some fried chicken?
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
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