Getting Ready Puns

The bull insistent on having sex until the female cow replied.

“ Honey I’m not in the moood.”

I uh I’m gonna go now.

I said, “I’m taking Advil before Aleeve”

Because she’s all dressed.

They were dunesday preppers.

"Well then, you'd better wear your own!"

....First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

I said: “I’d rather wrestle for it”.

This is my thyme to shine

So my girlfriend and I are both in college and I'm at her dorm waiting for her to get ready for class. She takes off her glasses and starts looking through her drawer when she says "Aw why did I do this to myself? I ran out of contacts"

I go "Babe, if it's more friends that you need, we can go out tonight and meet new people"

After the usual eye roll she goes "No I wanna see"

To which I reply, "Why would you want a C? I'm shooting for at least a B or an A in all of my classes"

That was probably the heaviest sigh I've ever heard from her

The husband salad says: Hurry up, we're going to be late.

The wife salad says: Just a minute!!

The husband salad responds: Lettuce Go!

Now I might have to call in slick.

I said “Well yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom”.

https://imgur.com/a/vYT7ZBx

She's 3. "Dad...that's...a pea. Not...pee."

"That's what I said. Pea!'

ಠಿ_ಠ

Wife: Will you please put your daughters clothes on?

Me: I tried. they don't fit me!

Me: I’m making salmon with capers, that work?

Wife: yeah, just hold the capers for me

Me: How long am I supposed to hold them for?

I was kicked out of the kitchen and she cooked. Worth every second.

she loves flip flop season

Me: "A cemetery... huh?"

Dad: "Yep. I guess you could say people are dying to get here."

Me: "sdjfiojsdiofajdiafjioadsjf" slowly dies inside

My parents are preparing for a dinner party they are hosting.

Dad: We probably shouldn't put the glasses out just yet so the cats don't jump on the table and get hair in them.

Mom: Lets just turn them upside down.

Dad: They are cats honey, they will just get right back on their feet.

She said, “That’s gross.”

I replied, “What? All I did was a sham-poo!”

When the flight attendant says that she needs a verbal yes from those sitting in the exit aisle if they are willing to participate. I hear this middle aged dad behind me. "Verbal Yes"

Me: Aww, that dog has three legs! BF: Well, most dogs have three legs. The only dogs that don't have three legs are dogs with two, one or zero legs.

You make sure the kids are ready and Alpaca the bags.

She said: "I need to find a necklace to tie these shoes together"

Me: "You should really use the laces for that"

I was putting a nice, businessy-looking side part in my hair, when my dad said: "Ugh! Who parted?"

He then chuckled until after I was out the door.

Coworker: Do you know how long we have to wear these mourning bands? Like ... When is the mourning period over?

Me: Traditionally, noon.

Me: "Hurry, honey, get a pencil and some paper!"

Her: scrambles around What? Why?

Me: "I saw a sign that said 'Draw Bridge'."

Her: ...

My family of four lives in a one bathroom apartment, so it's a hassle when we all need to get ready for work in the morning.

Dad: Are you done in there yet?

Mom (putting on her makeup): Almost done. I'm on my last eye.

Dad: Last eye? We better get you to the eye store to restock!

He laughed himself silly for a while afterwards.

"Yagirlnick, do you want a running hat?"

"Well, that depends. How fast is it? Can I keep up?"

While doing her make-up -

"Ugh, the skin on my face is peeling."

"Babe, you know I have always found your face a-peeling."

Her: All ready gassed up and ready to leave. I'm ready to be home.

Me: Did you eat Mexican food?

Her: Lol Shut up! You know what I meant!

*note: This is a direct quote. Grammar is not one of her strong suits.

I couldn't find my other sock. I asked her to stand up in case she was sitting on it and said, "Unless you want me to go off all half-socked."

First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.