I work as a janitor and my boss said he’d fire me if I didn’t stop turning everything into an R.E.M parody.
I said “Well that’s pee in the corner…”
"Bet, fire, bruv, fleek, ship, thirsty, salty and slay" will also be used.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"
The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!"
Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??"
"Getting a proper sample size!"
My niece was playing doll house and she said there's an accident in the kitchen and its on fire and her doll was burning
she said it became a barbie-q
A cargo plane carrying weed and cows caught fire mid-flight!
The steaks were flying high 😲
The other day a police officer caught 2 kids playing with a fire cracker and a car battery……
He charged one, and lit the other one off! 💥
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a night….
Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Why is there such a high risk of fire at events like Wimbledon and the US Open?
There are just so many matches.
My son and I went camping yesterday when he asked me how to start a campfire. I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same."
"Then you’ll have a match!"
Two Inuit hunters were paddling their kayak across the lake. They started to feel cold, so they lit a fire in their kayak, but then the kayak caught fire and sank. What is the moral of the story?
You cannot have your kayak and heat it too.
One day, Superman was flying and he started to feel cold, so he lit a fire on his cape to keep warm, but it burned to a crisp.
The man of steel learned the hard way that you can't have your cape and heat it, too.
Did you know that the songs, 'Rolling in the Deep', 'Set fire to the Rain' and 'Skyfall' were all created by a laptop?
I was playing a round of paintball, and told my teammates to fire at will.
My bad, turns out Will was on our team too.
A man recently pulled up to a gas station and started to pump gas while still holding his lit cigarette. The fuel nozzle's shutoff switch failed to engage when his tank was full & fuel shot out on to the man's arm. The fuel immediately caught fire. A cop that was driving by stopped and shot the guy
Apparently it's illegal to wave a fire arm in public.
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
Earth, Wind, and Fire was almost called Earth, Wind, and Water
But then one bandmate said "EWW"
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your house!
I work at the Scottsdale Fire and Police Head Quarters, and I did a darkjoke towards one of the Police commanders.
So there is a commander in Scottsdale PD named Commander Coffee, and today I asked him, in a serious tone, "Hey Coffee, can an I ask you a question?" And he responded with a serious "Sure Joe, what's up?" And then I asked "If the mafia ever put a hit on you, wouldn't that mean that they are trying to ice Coffee?"
He giggled and was like "Wow, that was actually pretty good." Then continued on his way to the police side.
Me: Doc, I can't stop swallowing swords, spitting fire, and swinging from a trapeze...
Doc: I can't help you, sounds like you need advanced sideshowtherapy.
Yeah yeah yeah, the circus fire was in tents but did you hear the one about the giant who got super drunk and threw up?
Really, you didn't about that? It was all over town.
How do you tell the difference between a chemical fire and an electrical fire?
With a fire distinguisher.
Two inventors died and ascended to heaven. There, they met each other and with their brilliant minds created a brand new form of fire making utensil.
It was a match made in heaven.
I survived a fire, and lost everything
At least I'm smoking hot, now.
Did you hear about the guy who lit a fire in his canoe and caused it to sink?
It just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it too!
Martha had always listened to her parents when they said ‘stay away from fire’, but today, her interests got the best of her and she intentionally lit herself on fire just to see what it felt like.
Martha was burning with curiosity
I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’
‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
I was messing around with my wife while we were camping and accidentally lit her hair on fire...
She’s not going to divorce me, but she was fuming.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
I really love setting things on fire, so does my wife and our kid.
The first time he set fire to a building I said "Yep, that's arson".
What do you call a confident and stylish, male fire ants?
i like fire trucks and moster trucks
So me and Eddie Vedder go camping, but he insists on building the fire
He says “My campfires are better, man.”
before fire lord ozai and chin the conqueror
it is oft forgotten that the air nomads once tried to rule the world.
they were known as... the roamin' empire ;)
Today I found out there's a sect within Satanists that believes hell isnt fire and brimstone, but rather rime and ice.
This is why they say "Hail, Satan"
Getting fire training at work and was asked what steps to take in the event of a fire.
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire....apparently the wrong answer.
My daughter is trying to light a fire at camp and it just WOULDN'T light. Turn to her and tell her it's because the firewood is bad. "How can you Tell" she asks..
Because the wood is naughty.
I wrote all my jokes down and threw them into the fire!
Build a Man a fire, and warm him for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life!
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a day...
...set him on fire and he’s warm the rest of his life.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I was cold while in my kayak so I lit a fire and it sunk
Shows you can’t have your kayak and heat it too!
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day...
...set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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