Punstoppable
A list of puns related to "Find The Lady"
Shower.
The lady didn’t like her lover’s many hang ups.
This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.
But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.
He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.
Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.
Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.
He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.
After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.
Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.
The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".
The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.
After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an
... keep reading on reddit ➡OK, this technically isn't a dad joke, but it is the first time I've ever seen one of the granddaddies of all dad jokes work in the wild.
I was in PetSmart buying kitty litter. There was one checkout line open and a lot of people waiting. The woman in front of me was getting rung up when one of her items, a dog toy, didn't ring up. Now my first thought is always ALWAYS to say "well, I guess it's free then." But I also know most checkout clerks have heard it a billion times, so I read the room and decide not to say it. The woman that is checking out starts to get flustered because she doesn't want to be rude and keep all the rest of us waiting in line. The manager comes out to help and find the price. The woman keeps getting more nervous and agitated. (My wife has social anxiety and I know what it looks like.) So I look at the woman and the clerk and say, "OK, we've tried the bar code, and checking the system for the price, has anyone said "Well, I guess it must be free then?" I mean that's the next step in the process, right?" The lady and the clerk both chuckle a bit and the tension is broken. The manager heard me say it and was like, "Yep, it's free." The lady looked at her and blinked. The manager repeated herself. And the woman took the toy and left.
IT WORKED PEOPLE!!! THE DAD JOKE WORKED!!!
A cleaning material was usually put onto it to clean them, but it was very sticky, and had to be taken off before someone could go on it. One day, a man comes home to his wife stuck on the toilet seat because he didn't take the stuff off.
"Jim! How could you not tell me you cleaned it?! I can't get off!"
"It's alright honey, I'll help you"
After he tries many times to remove the seat from his wife's bottom, he still can't get it off. His wife is in pain and agony. Jim suggests that they visit the local doctor. His wife is mortified, but she reluctantly agrees.
They arrive at the hospital and request to see a doctor. The lady at the front desk told them to sit down and wait.
"Jim, everyone here is staring at me!"
"It's alright honey"
His wife is on the verge of tears, and Jim is still finding the situation hard to believe. Eventually, the doctor calls them into his room.
"So, what seems to be the problem today, ma'am?"
She explains what happened to the doctor. The doctor nods, and starts calling for some assistance.
"Jim, he's never seen anything like this before"
The doctor looks over.
"I have seen it before, just never framed and mounted"
My daughter wanted a bird. She kept her grades up, so we followed through on our part to get her one. She wanted a cockatiel, but they were sold out everywhere. We find a place about an hour away. I called (on speaker phone) and asked the sales lady (daughter and wife were around me) if they still had the birds available. Lady said yes, she has 3. I asked if we could put one on hold and she said No, they don't do that.
I asked her if we were to leave our house and head up to the pet store an hour away will one be available and she said, yes... they more than likely won't sell out within an hour.
So, I responded "So, they're not exactly flying off the shelves......"
And nothing! Nothing from the sales lady, nor my family other than eye rolls.
no-one gets me!
TLDR: I said something I thought was witty. I was the only one who thought that.
In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.
Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:
EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!
Also, thanks for the gold.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."
When asked his occupation, Sven answered, "Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers" The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labor, he awarded him $80 a week unemployment compensation.
Ole was called in next and when asked his occupation he replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk awarded Ole $160 a week in unemployment compensation.
Sven was FURIOUS when he found out what Ole was awarded. So he stormed back into the office demanding to know why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor." "UFF-DAH!!! What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew da elastic on da knickers, then Ole puts 'em over his head and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."
A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked him if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before."
"Don't be flattered," she said. "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady chimed in, “Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!” Reply
While there, he is wanting to find a lady to dance with. He sees a lonely lady across the bar with a peg leg, and decides to talk to her.
He says, “Would you dance with me?”
Excited, she says “Would I?? Would I??”
He gets mad and says “Peg leg! Peg leg!”
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit ➡From animal puns, we bring for you this funniest bundle of cow puns
How does a cow get to the mooooon? It flies through udder space!
What happens when you talk to a cow? It goes in one ear and out the udder!
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
What is a cows favorite colour? Maroooooooon.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow? Peanut butter.
What do u call a really strong cow? Beefy.
What do you get when you walk under a cow? A pat on the head.
How does lady gaga like her steak? Raw raw raw raw raw.
Why did the cow cross the road? Cause it didnt want Lady Gaga to make a meat dress out of him.
What are a cows favorite subjects in school? Moosic, psycowolgy, cowculus
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? Udder-Catastrophe
Where do you find the most cows? Moo-York
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever
Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer? He wanted her to hit the hay!
Why do cows think cooks are mean? They whip cream!
Why doesn’t Sweden export it’s cattle? It wants to keep it’s Stockholm!
What is the definition of “moon”? The past tense of “moo”!
Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress? She was charged with rustling!
Why was the calf afraid? He was a cow-herd!
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn? He was too much of a bully!
What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand? Cows-mopolitan!
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat ? Put him in a tight jumper !
What South American dance do cows like to do? The Rump-a
What does a cow make when the sun comes out? A shadow
What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil? Pre-tanned leather.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow? Cowboom!
What did the calf say to the silo? “Is my fodder in there?”
What would you hear at a cow concert? Moo-sic!
Why did the cow jump over the moon? To get to the Milky Way!
What’s a cow’s favorite moosi
... keep reading on reddit ➡So, I'm about to eat breakfast at my parents. I ask what kind of bread everyone wants. My mom says, "I like the dill rye bread." My dad replies, "that's because it's made of dill dough!" And they both start laughing hysterically. My parents, ladies and gentlemen. 37 years together and she still finds him funny.
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
Older coworker asks me to find a mail order and gives me the SKU to find it and this is how the conversation goes
Me:I know this is the right phone case but I'm not sure why the SKU doesn't match.
Her:Looks like the number is SKU'd up.
Her:Do you get it?
She is a cute 50 year old lady and I just couldn't stop laughing.
A lady asks a man working in the produce section, "Excuse me, where can I find leeks?"
He responds, "Well there are probably some in the ceiling."
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off saying......... "Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"
I was at the airport waiting for my flight home the other night when over the P.A they asked everyone from flight DJ-478 to Sydney to make their way to the service desk, so myself and my fellow passengers make our way over to the desk, where the very embarrassed and obviously distressed desk worker informs us that our flight has been cancelled, and the next one isn't till the morning, she then tells us that the airport will happily put us up in the 5 star hotel around the corner, and have us dropped back at the airport at 7am the following morning. Most the people there accepted this, after the desk lady told us it was for our personal safety and that there wasn't a lot more they could do, except this one particular gentleman, who storms over to the desk, and tells the woman that he needed to be in sydney tonight, and demands a flight be made available. (It's like 9:30 by this point, surely it could wait till the morning?). After again apologizing to the man, she tells him that won't be possible, and she sends us all on our way to the shuttle bus, with our bags already on there, and off we go to the hotel. The entire bus trip this guy carried on whinging and swearing, getting angrier and angrier by the second. We get to the hotel, and he's about 30 people behind the front of the queue to check in, and he gets impatient with the time it's taking, and again, storms his way up the line, past me (I was at the front), walks over to the desk, slams his fist down and says to the woman behind the desk "I want the biggest room you have, I want it in the next 30 seconds or so help me god, you aren't gonna like what happens", the woman looked up at him and said "Sir, the airport has paid for the rooms we already have organized, if you'll take your place back in line, we'll be with you as soon as we can", the guy got really angry about being asked to move back to his spot, he threw his bag down, and yelled at the woman, "Fuck this, call me a taxi, right fucking now, I'll find somewhere else to stay", that's when i decided to step in.
I said. "Oh okay then, you're a taxi".
He took his place back in line pretty quick.
so i had a buffet with my mom and dad in a fancy hotel restaurant. I go to grab some food. I had some trouble finding the sushi because it was all the way at the corner, but i found it eventually. I walk back to my seat, not seeing my dad, he probably went to grab some food. When he came back, he was holding a dish of sushi. He had a big smile on his face. my mom and i asked him what happened. he explained and we laughed for a good 10 minutes after. He said he was out looking for food, and he couldn't find where to grab the sushi. eventually he found a plate that had a good 6 pieces of sushi. he grabbed 4 of them, so that he wouldnt be the one who took them all. as he put down the plate, an old lady next to him screamed. My dad had took the sushi from her plate, thinking it was for serving.
Usher at a baseball game last night was telling some of us that he had gone to play chess with his son, but some of the small pieces were missing.
Turns to a couple ladies, "do either of you know where I can find a pawn shop?"
They groaned. My girlfriend groaned. I laughed hysterically and shot water out of my nose.
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady chimed in, “Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”
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