Misdirection Puns

Misdirections.

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!

Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend were in college. Now, Christina likes men with lots of testosterone, and her boyfriend was no exception, but the downside was, he was already losing his hair. "I would do something about it," he'd say, "but I don't know how much it would cost." One weekend they went to a student fair, and one of the campus groups was holding a couples' spelling contest. They were offering all kinds of gag items as prizes; condoms, jock straps, training bras, that sort of thing. The top prize for the winning guy was a hairpiece, valued at $100. So Christina helpfully suggested to her boyfriend, "If you won a bee with me, baby, there's a priced toupée!"

Misdirection