>You Apollo-gize
(From my son today, he has improved astronomically over the past few years.)
Instepcion
I always stand.
Aluminimum... Alinumum... Alinimum... Aluminium. There, thanks for listening.
"Huh. Must be from all that flying you did"
Something
Fly: "Ouch! Did someone just bite me!?"
A small voice chuckles
Fly: "You must be pretty small to fit on my back. What are you, a mite?"
Mite: "Yeah as in I MIGHT bite you again hehehe."
Fly: "...... That pun was terrible."
Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."
He wanted to make America Grate again
But that's just a blanket statement
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
I always feel like there's something missing.
...I feel like she's plotting something.
They're so full of themselves.
Mom drove him. He works there.
Leek on a Quiche.
(I bet you thought I’d say Korn on the Cob).
I’m not going to stand for it.
She had a great time, but I was stuck on the toilet the whole night.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡If this isn't allowed feel free to delete!
For my college project we need to produce a fashion photoshoot and we chose a fruit theme. This professor says you need to have a creative title. We are creating 4 shots based on different fruit types (berries, citrus, melons and exotics), and we are gonna label the shots with those specific puns, but we need a general fruit pun to call the whole project. I was maybe thinking like 'pick of the bunch' or something along those lines but please give me any suggestions!!
Thank you in advance!!
Deja view
I call it the Thais That Unbind.
Edit: I posted this joke and got this message:
“Hi there, A concerned redditor reached out to us about you. When you're in the middle of something painful, it may feel like you don't have a lot of options. But whatever you're going through, you deserve help and there are people who are here for you…”
Thanks for caring about my digestive system Reddit, but it’ll be at least a few hours before the salsa takes full effect.
Edit: I just realized this joke made somebody shake their head so hard they actually thought I needed help. Dad joke expert level unlocked.
He mentioned he was feeling a little “fuzzy”, as he described it. I asked him what he thought was wrong, he said it might have had something to do with the money he ate out of my wallet earlier that morning, but he wasn’t certain. Curious, I asked him… “Was it a ten you ate?”
A friend of mine has this great idea for a small business selling collectables, so he goes into a bank and walks up to the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan for a small business venture."
Patty looks in disbelief as she realizes this voice is coming from a dog. But being professional she clears her throat and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The dog says $500,000. And proceeds to fill out the loan paperwork.
Patty, the teller, reviews the paperwork and notices his name and is a little star struck as it reads: Buddy Mick Jagger. Feeling embarrassed, but curious, Patty asks if there is any relation to THE Mick Jagger?
The dog sighs and says, yes, Mick is his father, adopted, but his father nonetheless.
Patty explains that $500,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need something to act to secure such a large loan.
The dog says, "Yes ma'am. I have several sets of these" and shows her a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly shaped. He then produces more and more of these small porcelain animals all hand crafted and painted various colors. While trying to explain these collectables are what he hopes to sell Patty becomes very confused and thinks up a quick excuse:
"Well, for such a large loan and unusual collateral I will have to consult the branch manager."
Ms Whack finds the manager and says "There's a talking dog named Buddy Mick Jagger out here who claims to be a relation to Mick Jagger and wants a loan for $500,000. And as collateral he wants to use this?" She then holds up the small porcelain elephant. "I mean, what even is this? Is it valuable?"
The bank manager stands up, blinks a few times, looks her straight in the eye with a large smile and says: "Oh! That's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
(My grandpa would tell this joke at family gatherings to all of us grandkids, we would only ever get small parts of it at a time, but the rest of the adults would always groan at the end. Wasn't till many years later I realized this was a pretty common long haul joke! Still a good memory, hopefully it have you a chuckle!)
Every time I get on them, they are always either up to something or just putting me down. I had to get in contact with a therapist because I feel like it’s my fault for pushing their buttons. Thankfully, I’ve been able to take steps to avoid them.
Fly: "Ouch! Hey you must be pretty small to fit on my back. Are you a mite?"
Mite: "Yeah, as in I MIGHT bite you again hahaha"
Fly: "Wow.... That might be the worst joke I've ever heard"
Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
But now it’s really growing on me.
even though one of them is Erie
But now I’m clean
EDIT: Day 1 of posting soap puns for a week
I feel like they’re going to be up to something later.
Something bad is going to happen.
I can feel it.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Something awful is gonna happen soon, I can feel it.
