>You Apollo-gize
(From my son today, he has improved astronomically over the past few years.)
Instepcion
I always stand.
Aluminimum... Alinumum... Alinimum... Aluminium. There, thanks for listening.
"Huh. Must be from all that flying you did"
Something
There is a clown that forgets something at every gig. You know what he forgot this time?
A punchline.
Fly: "Ouch! Did someone just bite me!?"
A small voice chuckles
Fly: "You must be pretty small to fit on my back. What are you, a mite?"
Mite: "Yeah as in I MIGHT bite you again hehehe."
Fly: "...... That pun was terrible."
Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."
Because all their uncles are ants.
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
He wanted to make America Grate again
But that's just a blanket statement
"Only Gabriel, Michael, and Raphael were listed by name," Stated my teacher
I quietly raised my hand and asked, "What about Clarence?"
I always feel like there's something missing.
I always feel like something is Amish when I go there.
...I feel like she's plotting something.
I’m not going to stand for it.
They're so full of themselves.
Leek on a Quiche.
(I bet you thought I’d say Korn on the Cob).
Mom drove him. He works there.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡She had a great time, but I was stuck on the toilet the whole night.
Deja view
I call it the Thais That Unbind.
Edit: I posted this joke and got this message:
“Hi there, A concerned redditor reached out to us about you. When you're in the middle of something painful, it may feel like you don't have a lot of options. But whatever you're going through, you deserve help and there are people who are here for you…”
Thanks for caring about my digestive system Reddit, but it’ll be at least a few hours before the salsa takes full effect.
Edit: I just realized this joke made somebody shake their head so hard they actually thought I needed help. Dad joke expert level unlocked.
He mentioned he was feeling a little “fuzzy”, as he described it. I asked him what he thought was wrong, he said it might have had something to do with the money he ate out of my wallet earlier that morning, but he wasn’t certain. Curious, I asked him… “Was it a ten you ate?”
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it…
Fly: "Ouch! Hey you must be pretty small to fit on my back. Are you a mite?"
Mite: "Yeah, as in I MIGHT bite you again hahaha"
Fly: "Wow.... That might be the worst joke I've ever heard"
Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
But now I’m clean
EDIT: Day 1 of posting soap puns for a week
But now it’s really growing on me.
