Failed States Puns

They always give straight "eh"s.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

Some precursor- I'm 27, my girlfriend is 34; we visited my family who lives in another state this past weekend for easter. The last two days I started to write down every horrible attempt at a joke my dad did. So these were just the best of the last two days. Note that this was the first time my girlfriend had met them.

When watching a commercial on liposuction, "I was going to get liposuction but they just melt it out, I wanted them to ZAP it out"

When getting directions, "Should I use my Gsp? (I think it was a joke trying to comment on the similar sound between esp and gps... not sure though)

When a commercial kept repeating "we can", he said (to the tune of ice cream ice cream we all scream for...)"WE CAN! WE CAN! WE ALL SCREAM FOR... ... DEATHcam" (I think he realized he had no joke there so sort of trailed off)

Finally, the worst. When we're pulling up to a state park, he's reading the signs that warn about rattlesnakes and scorpions. He leans in and says, "Hey, I've got a great survival tip" with a serious stern face, "Don't feed the rattlesnakes". Then cracks up with a silly laugh as if it's the funniest joke ever created. He realized that no one was laughing, so he thought if he repeated it a few times, it might get funnier. He continued throwing that joke out every time we got to a sign that had wildlife warnings. Seeing this strategy was failing to illicit any laughs, he decided to go with a new approach. He started saying "Don't feed the scorpions,"

Say a team like Boise State is playing. Everytime, without fail: "Wait, Boise's not a state!!"