*Passing every cemetery as a child* Dad would exclaim....

"WOW, people are DYING to get into that place!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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How does jesus exclaim?

Jeeeezzyaaas!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ubbless
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the foot exclaim when it met its long lost relative?

Ankle!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dazzko
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the man exclaim after the change machine explained its purpose?

Ah, makes cents!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manlymatt83
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a southern florist exclaim his disbelief?

What in 'Carnation??

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StalinsChoice
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, "Newton, I've found you!"

Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeifEriccson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
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A chemistry student turns to his professor and excitedly exclaims "Sir this mountain has exactly 6.022x10^23 atoms in it!"

The professor sighs replying "no need to make mountains out of mol hills"

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5ision
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the shepherd exclaim after the snow storm?

I see you!

Icy ewe!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beaverpudding
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
An Italian notices that his lawn is full of weeds. He exclaims,

MILAN!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeaAndBubbles
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the farmer exclaim when the ducks got into his dairy farm?

Cheese and quackers!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender exclaims:

"Holy shit, a talking horse!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Thanks - I’ll never part with it!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatmanC2000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
🚨︎ report
At the beach with wife, friends and three kids. My wife exclaims: "Aren't our kids an odd trio?"

"Aren't they always?"

Wife groaned. Wife's friend had the delayed giggles. Good times.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSnowden
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2016
🚨︎ report
What did the monarch exclaim regarding the attempted coup?

"Revolting!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
🚨︎ report
My son (8) walked out of the bathroom this morning and exclaimed "whoof!...

... I haven't peed since last year!"

I couldn't be more proud

πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcschnazz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œI love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. β€œAll you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. β€œWhat did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

β€œYou herd me!"

πŸ‘︎ 782
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
As the evil nano-bots swarmed the superhero’s wrist-based time piece, he exclaimed...

Not on my watch!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RAClef
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was chopping down a tree but was surprised when the tree suddenly exclaimed, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chopinsbach
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A peasant's wife told him to go get milk for the baby. Dutifully, he went to the market with the baby and brought home a hefty jug of milk. "You've forgotten the baby!" she exclaimed.

"No I haven't... I got milk for the baby!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catillionaire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
"Walnut, Date and Banana Bread?", I exclaimed to the barista...

"Yes, it is really nice." She said cheerfully

"Oh no, I don't agree with Dates, too many bad experiences for me" I said with a smirk ear to ear.

"Oh, really? Why is that?" She asked.

Calmly I said, "They all end badly."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cayphed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I walked into the kitchen to help my wife prepare dinner and exclaimed, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there honey! It’d really be a shame if someone..."

"...put an β€˜s’ at the front and an β€˜e’ at the end!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:

"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to gather wood. As he found the perfect tree to cut down, he began sharpening his axe, and the tree exclaimed, β€œNO! Don’t chop me down! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack responded, β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/articElite0
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Napoleon was visiting a friend at his new estate. The friends great pride was his lavatory which was a big room with pottet plants, beautiful tapestries and carpets. When Napoleon saw this he was gobsmacked and exclaimed "What a loo!"
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/operasmurf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
🚨︎ report
When it finally dawned on Watson that it was the limestone he exclaimed β€œBut Holmes, how did you know?!” /r/3amjokes/comments/fmr0…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenVosReinaert
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My son just played "Don't Break The Ice" by himself with two hammers and exclaimed "I won!"

To which I replied "but on the other hand, you lost"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/badenglishihave
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
"We don't need a fishy super hero!" The land locked victims exclaimed.

"I sea," said Aquaman

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
After finishing making the first map of the world, the guy exclaimed...

"Atlas"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MEraser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a therapist’s office exclaiming, β€œTeepee wigwam teepee wigwam!”

The therapist says, β€œCalm down, you’re two tents.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spangonia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Today while at work some coworkers were talking about the mushrooms they started cooking. I exclaimed β€œI like to think I’m a mushroom” they looked puzzled so I clarified β€œI like to think I’m a fun guy”
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dannyboy6657
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
True story: My SO and I got into an minor argument while laying in bed last night. I jokingly exclaimed β€œomg, I literally cannot stand you!”

To which he replied, β€œgood thing you’re laying down”. Ugh.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zestylemonn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
(real life) Left a door open for an elderly man.... he exclaimed:

What a Gentle.... Moment!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GGenErick
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Three women were on the run from the law (A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead).

Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks. The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow." "Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says. The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof." "That's just a sack of puppies" they say. The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
For his birthday, a boy wants a pet spider.

His dad takes him to an exotic pet store, where they see a big, hairy spider. The father asks how much it costs. β€œThat’s fifty dollars,” the clerk replies.

β€œFifty bucks!” the dad exclaims. β€œForget that, I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
You’re Hired!

A very skilled attorney interviews for a job at a prestigious firm. The managing partner looks over his resume and exclaims with glee, β€œOh my goodness! You’re so experienced! You’re hired, and you can name your salary!”

The interviewee paused for a moment and said β€œThank you. I’d like to call mine Dennis.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JakeMann220
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
We were driving past the β€œFireworks Superstore” when my wife exclaimed wow that place is huge.

I replied yeah you just can’t hold a candle to that place.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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Girlfriend and I were arguing. She exclaimed "why can't I have a stable relationship!?”

I replied that "you should probably get a horse."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glitchNglide
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas

An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my friend I saw a man get thrown under a bus today. He exclaimed, β€œOh my God! Was it moving?!”

I said, β€œWell, a few people were crying, but I was fine.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A__Wild__Goose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My first official dad joke!!!

So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim β€œhey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ β€˜n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.

πŸ‘︎ 538
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πŸ‘€︎ u/do_it-to_it
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 492
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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