What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?

DON'T BE JELLY!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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My grandfather always said, β€œBe envied, not envious.”

I’m so pissed off I didn’t think of that quote first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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So your envious friend has been working really hard to best you.

You could say he's zealous

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rinat1234567890
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Why was the Hadron envious of the Neutrino?

Because the Neutrino has a higher life expectancy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrigidSloth
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2016
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When my wife told me i had stop being a flamingo..

I had to put my foot down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RND2KO
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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After all these years, he's still got it.

Being a father of my own, I'm still envious of the masterful skill in which my dad can come up with his material. While driving down the interstate, a Miller Lite truck pulls out in front of us, more quickly than he should. My dad swerved to the left to avoid my door from getting broad sided by a tractor trailer. I yelled from being startled.

Me: He almost hit us!

Dad: We're fine. I can handle this.

Me: He almost totaled the car! What if he had hit us? I could be dead!

Dad: Nah, you would've been fine. It was Lite beer.

Me: (jaw dropped in awe and amazement)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/taggsyoureit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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