I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards
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︎ Mar 11 2021
My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 22 2021
Ima start spelling weed ouiโd cos I canโt say no to it
๐︎ 374
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︎ Feb 21 2021
My wife found out I cheated when she found all of the letters I'd been hiding
She swore she will never play Scrabble with me again
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︎ Mar 07 2021
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling ๐ณ '
Thank you for the awards
๐︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
๐︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
You'd be hard-pressed to find good cider in this town.
๐︎ 8
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︎ Apr 06 2021
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that youโd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
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︎ Apr 05 2021
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Nov 20 2020
Oh! False One, You Have Deceiv'd Me
๐︎ 6
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Iโd like to stay for two Knights please.
๐︎ 38
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︎ Mar 08 2021
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
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︎ Jan 19 2021
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Mar 28 2021
What did the Captain of the Evergreen Cargo ship say when he realised he'd messed up?
๐︎ 6
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︎ Mar 29 2021
Jay-Z is DMing a D&D campaign for his son.
Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.
"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.
Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."
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︎ Mar 09 2021
I miss my deceased father and his dadjokes, so I figured Iโd text him.
๐︎ 28
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︎ Mar 31 2021
How'd I do?
๐︎ 4
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︎ Mar 08 2021
My friend from Prague came over to play D&D. Instead of just a face mask, he's wearing full body armor
The Czech is in the mail.
๐︎ 7
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︎ Mar 27 2021
Someone dug a plethora of dโearth. Now Iโve got a hole lot of nothing.
๐︎ 3
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︎ Mar 19 2021
It'd be awesome to have a DeLorean
but honestly I'd only drive it from time to time.
๐︎ 50
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︎ Mar 08 2021
When I was a kid I thought weโd all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
๐︎ 349
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︎ Jan 14 2021
I walked into my boss' office to tell him I'd like to be considered for a promotion.
I sat in the chair and said, "Boss, I want a higher position."
"Well, if you push that lever," he said, pointing by my legs, "the chair will go up."
๐︎ 6
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︎ Apr 02 2021
Did you hear that the new Obi-Wan show from D+ isn't going to have Liam Neeson in it?
Apparently his role was taken.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Mar 30 2021
I've been wearing this mask for so long, I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get rid of it.
๐︎ 8
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︎ Feb 25 2021
How'd you get in here?
Oh I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith
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︎ Apr 04 2021
I was worried about how I'd react to antivaxxers.
But think I'm immune now.
๐︎ 18
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︎ Mar 20 2021
After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...
It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.
๐︎ 13
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︎ Mar 06 2021
If I could be a superhero I'd be Aluminum man...
That way I could foil crime.
๐︎ 19
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︎ Feb 20 2021
๐ฎ๐ถโd my brain hard that day
๐︎ 9
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︎ Mar 03 2021
My friend said, โYou have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.โ
It was a third degree burn.
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︎ Feb 12 2021
So, earlier I was replanting my succulents and I offhandedly mentioned to my fiancรฉ I'd like to do gardening shit with my sis...
He replied, "She'd be super helpful since she's a HOE."
#mypunssucc #punnyshit
๐︎ 4
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I always had low charisma when I chose elf in D&D.
Maybe that's why I have such low elf-esteem.
๐︎ 11
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Since it's International Women's Day, I'd like to point out some inequality: If my wife wears nothing but one of my t-shirts it's cute, but if I wear nothing but one of her t-shirts...
...I have to leave Home Depot.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Mar 08 2021
Whatโd that cab driver say to the guy getting in his car with a cheap hooker?
๐︎ 5
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︎ Feb 03 2021
Whyโd the fish swim right into the bull sharkโs mouth?
๐︎ 4
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︎ Feb 22 2021
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
......and the second one Duplikate.
๐︎ 15
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︎ Feb 21 2021
I promised my wife I'd follow her into the afterlife if she died, but it took me longer than expected.
"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."
๐︎ 21
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︎ Feb 24 2021
What did Shakespeare say when someone asked if he'd written any limericks?
๐︎ 2
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︎ Mar 21 2021
You'd be impressed with the display cabinet I have at home, full of saltwater and semen.
๐︎ 2
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Boss said heโd fire me if I made any more country puns
It was the end of my Korea
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I'd like to share a small victory with you all today
๐︎ 13
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︎ Feb 03 2021
Whereโd the one-legged waitress work?
๐︎ 5
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︎ Feb 19 2021
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
๐︎ 39
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︎ Jan 07 2021
I'd like to personally thank the inventor of the mini skirt...
My balls have never felt so free.
๐︎ 17
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Customer: "I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese."
Cashier: "Sorry, we only accept cash."
๐︎ 47
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︎ Mar 17 2021
The wife asked me tonight if Iโd seen the dog bowl.
I said โto be honest I didnโt even know he played cricketโ.
๐︎ 56
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︎ Feb 06 2021
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
....and the second one Duplikate.
๐︎ 477
๐
︎ Dec 01 2020
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