My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DementedOak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills

Those were goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 436
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gotblake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 847
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, you get down from a goose

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down.

Do you think it's stumped?

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Here's a step-by-step guide on how to fall down stairs!

Step 28

Step 27

Step 24

Step 21

Step 16

Step 12

Step 7

Step 3

Step 1

πŸ‘︎ 650
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.

Confused and upset, I asked why.

The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down ??

It gets "toad" away

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gp_11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/primo8731
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Can an Admin tell me why my post was removed? It was very inconvenient... My whole fence fell down
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/muddoo7887
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad asked me, β€œDo you know why our neighbour’s house burned down?”

Me: Fireworks?

Dad: Yeah. Sadly it does.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..

.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm writing a book about falling down stairs...

It's a step by step guide.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FLASHsixx
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Was driving by the prison the other night when I saw a midget climbing down from a window.

I said to myself, that’s a little condescending

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awag80
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
At my boss's funeral, kneeling down and whispering slowly.

Who's thinking out of box now Kevin?

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tbag420-69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🀩

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoopass_voice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to bless the rains down in Africa...

It was a Toto failure. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
How does harry potter get down a hill?

Walking

JK Rolling!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yurie_tarded
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Never gonna let you down
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TelepathicPsych
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My post about chain link got reported and taken down

I guess someone took a-fence

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k,256k, 512k and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why Did The Toilet Paper Roll Down The Hill?

To get to the bottom

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/djendb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Just heard there is a geezer down the market selling Oxford vaccination for Β£2 each

Or 3 for a Pfizer

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkenPeanut97
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone with great hair who can't hold down a job?

A hair-do-well...

[Just thought of that one as I was looking in the mirror.]

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danieltkessler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,

Ba-dum-tss

πŸ‘︎ 174
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.

I turn to her and say β€œI bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?

The work gave him gnawsea

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hesquiat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
That's reeeealy deeeep down
πŸ‘︎ 349
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dattara
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"

The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?

rick ash-tree

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/imboredwithlyf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy sees a pirate walking down the street with a steering wheel in his pants...

He yells, hey! Hey, pirate! There's a steering wheel in your pants! Pirate says, Aarr, I know! It's driving me nuts!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeelixOne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
my wife and I found out that our boy was convicted of burning down houses

no matter what he's still arson

πŸ‘︎ 346
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ax3-_-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The hospital I work at has shut down the revolving doors

I hear it’s cause they don’t want Covid going around....

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sanjiroku
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
As we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, I got down on one knee and said, β€œHoney?”

She gasped audibly and said, β€œYeah?”

I said, β€œHelp! My knee is made of magnets!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...

...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A Norwegian fell down a canyon...

It was a Fjordian slip.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What is more funny than a penguin sliding down a hill?

The penguin who pushed him!

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,562 trees

β€œHow do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired

Lumberjack: β€œEasy. I keep a log.”

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Just took down my icicle lights..

Now my hands are frozen..

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grumpykixdopey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I was walking down a hill and fell down.

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lightguyneb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How to fall down a flight of stairs

Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 4:

Step 9 :

Step 17:

Step 36:

Floor

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tubergod1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get down off an elephant?

You don’t. You get down off a duck.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elo_Solo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking!.... JK ROLLING!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xIR0NPULSE
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you get Down off an Elephant?

You don’t, you get Down off a Duck

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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