The first thing I do when I get to work is go and hide
Because they say a good worker is hard to find!
My boss said “This is the fifth time this week you’ve been late for work. Do you know what that means?”
I had to quit my construction job because I wasn't strong enough to do the work.
I gave them a too weak notice.
Why do you need a lot of experience to work at the animal hospital?
Because they only hire vets
Do you know why they rejected me to work at the zoo?
Because I wasn't Koalafied...
At Costco a while back and we purchased a squatty potty (2pk) and the cashier asks me, do these really work?
Me: “Ya man, I guess you could call it a stool stool.”
If girls with big boobs work at The Hooters, where do the girls with only one leg work?
Why do birds sing in the morning?Because they don't have to go to work.
Why do they call the people who work in an ambulance paramedics?
Because they’re a pair’o’medics
From my 10 year old as we were doing some yard work: Dad, do you know why the shovel is so important?
It’s because it was such a ground breaking invention.
Talk about proud Dad moment :)
The wife and kids went to my in-laws for a cookout, I stayed home to work on a few projects. She sent a text, "do you want me to bring home some brats?"
I responded, "is there an option to leave them all there?"
Why do Apple employees work in the dark?
None of them have Windows.
What do you call the security guards that work for Samsung?
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
What do you call a procrastinator who has others do all the work for them?
Please answer soon, thanks!
Wife: I’m not in the mood to do my homework. Me: Just phone it in and do C-work. Wife: I don’t know how to do C-Work.
Me: step 1, buy a boat.
Just happened. Not an official dad yet but she’s 6 months pregnant. Got to get the practice in while I can.
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
After all the hard work i put in, It's the least you can do
"Dad, I really want to work in the moisturizer industry, what should I do?"
"The best advice I can give you is to apply daily."
Chinese restaurants do not get enough appreciation for all the work that they do
Do you have any idea how hard it is to teach a chicken how to fry?
I work with a small town search and rescue. We recently had a guy visiting from the big city to do some kayaking on the river.
He doesn't know the area and gets himself lost. All he does know is that there are a lot of grizzly bears roaming around during the salmon spawn this time of year, so he's quite afraid to get out of his kayak.
The temperature starts to drop. He needs to stay warm, and decides to build a fire inside his little boat on the river.
He learnt a valuable lesson that night: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Do you know why table cloths are the work of the devil?
Because they are made of satin
Ba-dum-tssss
I asked my skydiving instructor what I should do if my parachute doesn't work. He said when it comes to that, we'll figure it out on the fly.
How do you know the work week will get even crazier after Monday and Tuesday?
Because all that's left is WTF.
Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I don’t get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.
Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.
When you’re like Kepler and your boss wants you to do his work without giving you all of the info
Do you think that Terry Pegula's kids ever get tired of him saying, as he's headed out the door to work ...
"Time to go pay the Bills."?
Where do fishes work???.....in the Offish (*1 pity upvote)
How do the monsters that hide beneath bridges get to work?...
...They ride the Troll-ey.
Every year at work they make us do a Sexual Harassment training, and I don't see what the big deal is...
Harassment nothing to me.
What does Santa do to work off all of the cookies and milk he gets for Christmas?
One of the upper managers said "I do a lot of work in spreadsheets"
I responded "Would you say you excel at it?"
The collective groan of everyone else during the training session made it all worth it
What do you call the set of instructions that makes the internet work?
Just wanted to remind everyone of all the hard work the significant others of superheroes do. They deal with so much, have to be in their shadow, yet still stand by them...
They really are fucking heroes
What do Amtrack conductors have to do before they can work on the job?
I procrastinated and now have to do all the work for my Middle English literature class in a couple days...
Do you take the train to work?
No way, the train takes me.
I Work in a pediatric hospital and today the doctor asked a young boy "Do you eat at breakfast, lunch, and dinner?"
The young boy turned to the doctor and said "No. I eat at school and when I'm at home."
He's going to make a great Dad someday!
I called my wife on the way to work, I said when I get home, I want you to do something freaky to me. You know what she said?
How to do the stud finder joke - a step by step guide (may not work for all models of stud finder)
Discovered this today while hanging a curtain rod.
I am using the zircon one step stud finder, seen here http://m.acehardware.com//product/index.jsp?productId=1298011&KPID=997266&cid=CAPLA:G:Shopping_-Measuring_Tools/Marking_Tools-_New&pla=pla_997266&k_clickid=21a0e1ae-1f94-44cd-b27e-a6a83ba1fdc1
Begin by using the stud finder to locate a stud as normal. Release the button.
Lift the stud finder off the wall slightly and press the button. This will help calibrate the stud finder to "empty space", making it think that any hard surface is a stud.
Quickly place the stud finder on your chest, onto your breastbone, the stud finder should beep indicating it is on a stud.
Make joke as normal
This saves you from making the beep noise yourself, which, in my opinion weakens the joke.
This way the tool itself confirms that you're a stud.
My work colleague just got me... How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
What do you call two friends who both work with the Union?
The first thing I do when I'm at work is to hide
Because good staff is hard to find today
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