From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......
Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.
Well played, boy.
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
What happens when you put your hand in a blender ?
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
I asked my future father-in-law for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He said I hope you take the rest of her too!!
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
Did that man in the Bible really leave his sense of sight in the hands of one person claiming to be the son of God?
I have a friend that steals hand-held kitchen tools in broad daylight.
Hes quite the whisk taker
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, ‘This isn’t for me.”
Dad, why did they cut off people's hands for theft in the past?
Hmm. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think they just wanted them to hand something back.
In Soviet union you were not allowed to write with your left hand. That isn't right!
What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
The wizard in my campaign just got handed a whole bunch of random, unlabeled Sesame Street videos.
He's going to learn how to count or spell.
How many bones are in a hand?
What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands, and two legs?
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
Why do people in N/A stand in circles and hold hands???
Because they dont do Lines anymore.
When I catch my son, Luke, eating with his hands.
I just chopped my left hand.
I put a hand gun in a long sandwich.
Now it’s a Sub Machine Gun
My boss walked into my office this morning and handed me a brochure on anger management.
What is the fastest growing city in the world?
Capital of Ireland
It's Dublin everyday
american schools are some of the only places you can have first hand experiences with Quadrilaterals and quad-collaterals
My hand slipped off the handle of the casket while carrying it to the hearse and left a deep bruise on my leg.
Whenever a book publisher refuses to accept my hand-delivered unsolicited autobiography, I usually just squeeze it as hard as I can with my thighs...
so that it's easier to walk away with my tale between my legs.
What do you call a scoop of ice cream in your hand?
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
Two guys were arguing. One of them had only a left hand and one had only a right hand.
After a while, the left handed guy realized that the other guy was right, so he left.
In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
I've started a boat building business in my attic...
...sails are going through the roof.
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away
I just had two paws for a moment
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
The police caught the teflon thief red-handed
And yet, the prosecution couldn't make the charges stick
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
My friends call me weird, but on the other hand,
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
Why your hand cant be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
As I handed my dad his 53rd birthday card, he said,
"You know, 1 would have been fine"
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
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