I'm counting on you to hold me up
If you’re ever trying to do something unexpected, don’t steal someone’s abacus. They’ll be counting on that.
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks “What are you counting?”
And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
On October 5, 1520, the British discovered counting by 5's.
Counting on you !
My son was just opening his computer this morning to start his school work. I walked my fingers up his arm, counting 1,2,3,4,5. He asked me what I was doing. I told him "Counting on you......to do a good job at school today.
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes
that way I always start the new year off on the right foot
My kitchen timer is broken...good thing I wasn't counting on it.
I was polled: “When counting to five on your fingers, where do you start?”
Me: “One”
(He was interested in thumb, or index finger. Apparently he had a write-in for pinky. Weird)
Always counting on my Dad for one of these.
After walking through the room he is sitting in saying "HUMP DAY!"
He responds with: "Heh, but don't even ask me about Tuesdays on Twitter."
I pause for a moment thinking..
"What's Tuesdays on Twi-.."
"I told you not to ask me."
A Spanish magician said, "I will make myself disappear on the count of three!"
Uno, Dos, POOF!
He disappeared without a tres.
I don't think you can count on God.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says 'uno', 'dos' *poof*
He disapeared without a tres
I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.
I can count on the fingers of one hand...
>!...the fingers on my other hand!<
This is a bit different from other jokes on this refit but it was my dad who told it so I think it still counts.
A panda walks into a resteraunt. He walks up to the host and the host says “what do you thing this is?” The panda takes out a dictionary and reads “Restaurant, an establishment that serves food.” The host says “fair enough” and takes the panda to a table. The panda orders his food and eats it all and gets up to leave, the host says “you need to pay for that!” The panda proceeds to pull out a gun and shoot the host. The host yells “Who do you think you are?!?” The panda looks back and says “I’m a panda look it up.” The host opens to the section that says panda and reads “Panda, a member of the bear family, native to china, Eats Shoots and Leaves.”
Why are vampires always picked last for dodgeball?
I was kidnapped by mimes once.
I’d rather not talk about it.
There are three types of people in this world ...
There are those who can count and there are others who cannot.
He disappeared without a “tres”
They say a dog is mans best friend, but what else can you always count on?
What’s the difference between me and a calendar????
A calendar actually has dates…..
How are parking spaces measured?
I lost my watch yesterday
I can't tell you how long I spent looking for it.
My friend got a job in a factory that makes Dracula figurines.
There’s only one other coworker on that line, so he has to make every second count.
I was having a hard time figuring out what came after 21
Then I put 2 and 2 together
Why should you never count your money while standing on an ant hill?
Cause you might finance in your pants
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
You know what was the most amazing thing they discovered when they found the wreck of the Titanic?
After more than 100 years, the swimming pool was still full.
I lost 3 fingers on my right hand
So I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
He said, "Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it."
Here are three things i can't do:
Is this a pun, or just a play on words?
My brother told the family he was preaching today, and my dad responded with "what are you preaching on?". I chimed in with "a stage, probably" which received many eye rolls from the family. Does that count as a pun? I wasn't really playing on the meaning of a specific word, but rather the phrase/concept as a whole.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: "For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…"
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
When times get rough what can you always count on?
A Spanish Magician says he will vanish on the count of three.
No one knows why he stopped at dos. They say he disappeared without a tres.
What do you call a small house in Scotland.
My Dad was dishing up dinner for me and himself.
When adding the mash potato to the plates, I jokingly aaked if he was counting how much he was putting on each plate, so we'd end up with the same amount. He replied "Of course, I'm doing the mashmatics"
I'm really counting on you to hold me up.
The Spanish magician began his disappearing act. "On the count of three: uno, dos--" POOF!
He disappeared without a tres.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..."
and then *poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says “uno, dos...” poof.
He disappeared without a tres.
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." *poof*.
He disappeared without a tres.
A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3
He says “Uno, Dos….” Poof
He disappeared without a tres
A mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of three. He says "uno, dos"
Poof!
He disappeared without a tres.
The spanish magician vanishes on the count of 3.. Uno, Dos
He disappeared without a tres! 😯
I can count on one hand how many times I've been to chernobyl
I've visited that place seven times
A Mexican magician tells the audience he'll dissappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..."
poof he dissappears without a tres
A Mexican magician tell everybody that he can disappear on the count of 3
Uno, dos... Poof. He disappeared without a tres!
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says “uno, dos..” poof. He disappeared without a tres
A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3.
He says, “uno, dos..” and then POOF he disappeared without a tres…
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.
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