Me: A leopard can't chang its stripes
My son: Dad leopards have spots
Me: well what do you know, they did it!
๐︎ 5
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︎ Sep 14 2019
Got the waitress at P.F. Chang's good a couple weeks ago.
I was out for a nice dinner at P.F. Chang's with a couple buddies to celebrate my birthday. I had decided to order the Shaking Beef, because it sounded delicious (and it was).
The waitress came to take our orders, got to me, and I asked for the Shaking Beef. When she asked how I wanted it, out of impulse, I replied "Shaking, not stirred".
Both of my buddies groaned and gave me shit for the rest of the night, but the waitress laughed, so it went okay. I was, and still am, proud.
๐︎ 72
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︎ Aug 23 2014
The most common surname in China is Chang
๐︎ 43
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︎ May 06 2017
Whatsapp has changed its feature previously known as โmarked as readโ
๐︎ 15
๐
︎ Jan 13 2021
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
๐︎ 10k
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︎ Sep 11 2020
Be an agent of change
๐︎ 12
๐
︎ Jan 05 2021
I once knew a girl who married a Chinese.
She had to Chang her last name.
๐︎ 3
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︎ Jan 09 2021
My wife has changed dramatically since becoming a vegan.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
๐︎ 136
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︎ Dec 08 2020
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
Itโs a real game changer
๐︎ 8
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I didn't think a vasectomy would change my life that much...
๐︎ 8
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︎ Dec 05 2020
My friend just called me and told me he has changed his name to Spinal Column.
I said, "I'll call you back."
๐︎ 30
๐
︎ Dec 27 2020
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
๐︎ 39
๐
︎ Dec 10 2020
My movie script went through a big change
๐︎ 17
๐
︎ Dec 24 2020
I was at a local store buying a shitty old CD for $9.95. When I handed the cashier my $10, he handed me my change and said:
"Here's your Nickleback."
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Dec 17 2020
Did you hear that they're replacing two letters of the alphabet? Instead of T, you have to say "Clowns". Instead of V, you need to say "Jokers". I refuse to use them, but I was singing the alphabet when they changed them, so I have a problem...
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with U.
๐︎ 11
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︎ Dec 06 2020
I am baffled that the cashier is out of change.
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Dec 08 2020
My wife asked me, โAre you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?โ
I said, โActually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.โ
๐︎ 11k
๐
︎ Jul 14 2020
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a personโs aura changes when they die.
๐︎ 150
๐
︎ Oct 31 2020
What do you call a father that has changed gender and is slightly invisible?
๐︎ 6
๐
︎ Nov 27 2020
Istanbul kept changing its name over the course of history
We could say it wasn't Constantly Nople.
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Dec 09 2020
What's the drug that changes your voice?
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Dec 03 2020
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
๐︎ 12
๐
︎ Dec 15 2020
If you harm someone who's had a sex change...
...You've committed a transgression.
๐︎ 14
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Algebra teachers support change in the world...
Because they love radicals.
(Sorry if this has been done before, this is my first post on this sub)
๐︎ 4
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︎ Dec 16 2020
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One... Or two.
One......... Or two.
๐︎ 164
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︎ Oct 10 2020
The seating columns at my church are going through a period of awkward changes...
***Pew***berty, in other words.
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Dec 12 2020
I changed my diet...
...the cookies now stand left of my keyboard.
๐︎ 6
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︎ Dec 07 2020
why do children have trouble looking at their parents after a gender change?
Because parents become Trans-parent
๐︎ 10
๐
︎ Dec 04 2020
Whatโs it called when a chameleon cannot change colors anymore?
๐︎ 17
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︎ Oct 29 2020
In an effort to combat climate change, the U.S. Army will no longer allow rabbits to drive vehicles.
This will eliminate 75% of Americaโs car bunny missions.
๐︎ 7
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︎ Dec 02 2020
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
๐︎ 12k
๐
︎ Dec 01 2020
Did you know that you change nationalities when you really have to go to the bathroom?
When youโre trying to find the facilities, youโre Russian. Once you get there though, European.
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Nov 18 2020
Well. After many years I have decided to change my gamer tag to glove.
I just think itโs catchy.
๐︎ 10
๐
︎ Nov 07 2020
When we were leaving the maternity ward the baby pooped himself and the wife said to go in and change him.
So I went inside, put him down, took one of the clean babies, and left.
๐︎ 19
๐
︎ Nov 18 2020
Even if Autocorrect changes "Fuck" to "Duck"...
...Its still considered fowl language
๐︎ 170
๐
︎ Oct 01 2020
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Nov 20 2020
My wife was changing through channels on TV. She asked me if I skip, too.
I said, โNo, running is faster.โ
๐︎ 3
๐
︎ Nov 29 2020
I just changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice...
Now it just says, "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while. "
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Nov 09 2020
I'm changing my name to Kanye
Because all I do is West my time.
๐︎ 3
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︎ Nov 26 2020
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
๐︎ 2
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︎ Nov 25 2020
What do you call a dad that has changed gender and canโt lie?
๐︎ 2
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︎ Nov 27 2020
My mail man just had a sex change operation.
I guess I should call him a post man now
๐︎ 36
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︎ Oct 07 2020
It's amazing how some word's spellings change between America and Britain
For instance, in America they call Tyrannosaurus Rex a T-Rex and in England they call them a Tea-Rex
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Nov 17 2020
Paul got his name changed in the Bible...
๐︎ 6
๐
︎ Nov 12 2020
I Changed All of my Passwords to โKennyโ
Now I have all Kenny Loggins
๐︎ 16
๐
︎ Jan 16 2021
Whatsapp has changed itโs feature previously known as โmarked as readโ
๐︎ 3
๐
︎ Jan 13 2021
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb...
๐︎ 33
๐
︎ Oct 29 2020
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
Itโs like Iโve never seen herbivore.
๐︎ 11k
๐
︎ May 18 2020
I changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now I have Kenny Loggins.
๐︎ 96
๐
︎ Aug 27 2020
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