Did you hear about the time Mozart farted in bed? He ended up calling it....
My wife keeps calling me immature. So now, every time she says that, I just tell her….
to get out of my fort! It’s Boys Only!
I keep calling my wife Delilah even though her name is Delia. I keep calling our lawn "the green, green grass of home". And worst of all, every time I see a cat, I can't help but ask, "What's new, pussycat?"
It turns out I have Tom Jones Syndrome. My doctor says it's not unusual.
My youngest daughter was diagnosed with scoliosis when she was 5. That’s the same time we began calling her by her middle name, Sarah.
Her first name is Eileen.
My friend Charles lived away for a long time. So when he came back, I started calling him Harles.
What do you call an orchestra conductor who will only conduct in 2/4 time?
What do you call a trout who wastes his time always getting caught?
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?
Do you know what it’s called when an Egyptian farts and sneezes at the same time?
What is it called when a bird travels back in time and meets itself?
What do you call a man that has been married and divorced multiple times?
What do you call an electrician who drives trains part time?
A semi-conductor.
Edit: I’m peanut brained, thought conductors drove, and can’t edit my title on mobile. Next time I tell the joke I’ll say “takes tickets on the train” pls spare me
How do you call twins - both at the same time?
What do you call someone who snitches for the very first time?
NuTella.
I just thought that up this morning and was laughing so hard my kids asked what was I laughing at. I told them and they groaned and rolled their eyes… I laughed harder.
What is it called when a Russian leader is wasting time?
What’s an animal that hunts by back-travelling through time called?
What do you call a German who takes a long time in the bathroom?
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time?
What do you call it when the tailor measures the middle of your body two times?
What do you call a dead guy that makes you laugh and roll your eyes at the same time?
A ca-DAD-ver.
Yeah I dreamed this joke and remembered it when I woke up. Maybe it’s funny but it definitely made my wife roll her eyes.
what do you call a chef that never gets the food ready on time?
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
All time finisher from my grandfather
Picture myself and sister as young kids running around my grandparents house. My sister stubs her toe and begins to cry.
My grandfather approaches and says “come here let me take a look at it”
My sister crawls over, trying to calm down.
“Oh man, you’ve really done it this time. Looks like we’re gonna have to call a … toe truck”
Cue raging screams from my sister.
Still makes me smile to this day
What do you call taking acid and birth control at the same time?
A trip without the kids 🫠😵💫🥴🫥
That's the 10th time today a passenger has called me a terrible bus driver.
I dunno where these people get off
What do you call a dwarf with impeccable timing?
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks what he’d like. The horse doesn’t reply because it’s a horse and obviously can’t speak or understand English.
Several people get up and leave, sensing the danger of having a live animal in a bar.
If being Frank became commonplace in society,
A lot of people would have to change their name.
a killer whale had a sore tooth....
....so he made a visit to his Orcadontist
What's it called when two Slinkys descend the stairs at the same time?
What do you call a man who shaves 20 times a day?
I have two dogs. one named Timex and one named Rolex.
Puns for Pooper Scooper Business name?
Ok r/puns, help me have some fun :)
Launching a pooper scooper business and need help with business name suggestions.
Parameters:
- Would rather not directly use the word “poop”
- One to Two words ideal, three max
- family friendly
Current big names in the industry:
- DoodyCalls
- Poop 911
- Pet Butler
- Scoop Soldiers
Value Prop:
- Home of the five-star sanitizer & scoop
- Save time by letting us handle your pups dirty doo (Busy moms / professionals)
- Keep your yard sanitary for your furry friends and children
Fire away! 💩
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office
I will find you, you have my Word
What do you call someone who has powers and tricks people at the same time?
What do you call a rapper who wins rap battles half of the time?
Bits are short for binary digits, I had to name ternary digits trits, but after that...
I spent a long time figuring out what to name quaternary digits, I just called it quits.
What is it called when someone takes time off from work to go surfing?
What do you call a math teacher with an OnlyFans?
What do you call a part-time train operator?
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
What do you call a man that shaves ten times a day?
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