(My Grandma called me just to tell me this one): Why did the farmer bury a lightbulb?
He wanted to grow a power plant
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︎ Apr 23 2021
I learned something new about cemeteries; the people in its town aren't the ones being buried there. Do you know why?
It's because they're still alive.
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︎ Apr 03 2021
When I die, I want to be buried with my wedding ring on.
That'll let God know, that I've been through hell already.
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︎ Apr 07 2021
A man got very upset when I buried him in NaCl.
He said my behaviour was insulting.
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︎ Mar 11 2021
You know how tombs tend to have money that's buried with their inhabitants?
That's the first cryptocurrency.
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︎ Mar 10 2021
How should you bury an onion?
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︎ Feb 16 2021
I saw a banker burying money under the bushes in his garden
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︎ Mar 04 2021
My father died and requested to be buried at a specific farm.
He always told us one day he'd be a dead beet Dad.
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︎ Feb 22 2021
The folks who live in my town arenโt allowed to be buried in the old cemetery on the edge of town.
Mostly because theyโre not dead yet.
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︎ Jan 30 2021
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
๐︎ 10
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︎ Feb 05 2021
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Where do you bury asphalt after it dies?
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︎ Oct 03 2020
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard, and taking poops on my flower bed.
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︎ Dec 29 2020
Did you know thereโs a law stating no one living within 5 miles of a cemetery can be buried there?
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︎ Oct 29 2020
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
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︎ Jun 21 2020
There once was a record store. The owner was seventy-four. One day he fell ill then wrote in his will , โbury me with records galoreโ
It was his vinyl resting place
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︎ Nov 14 2020
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
๐︎ 7
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︎ Oct 09 2020
Man: You buried my grandmother in the wrong plot!
Cemetery groundskeeper: I guess you can say Iโve made a grave mistake.
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︎ Oct 07 2020
What do you call a composer thatโs dead and buried?
๐︎ 52
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︎ Aug 08 2020
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
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︎ Dec 19 2020
My goldfish named Nate died.
So, to not make my kids sad, I bought another goldfish. He was an alternate.
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︎ Mar 21 2021
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donโt.โ And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canโt be buried here.โ I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyโre still alive!"
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︎ Jul 26 2020
Did you know that lawyers are buried 12 feet deep when they die?
Apparently deep down they are good people.
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︎ Oct 21 2020
I just went to go visit my late grandmother buried in the cemetery, but when I went there I found her dancing!
It was quite the Plot Twist
๐︎ 11
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︎ Oct 07 2020
When I post a joke and no one rates...
I just assume they all died from laughter.
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︎ Mar 17 2021
What was the name of the Egyptian that was buried with chocolate and nuts?
๐︎ 390
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︎ Apr 14 2020
Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago ?
๐︎ 15
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︎ Jul 04 2020
Our cemetery is really getting crowded.
Seems people are just dyin to get into it.
๐︎ 18
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︎ Feb 13 2021
When I die bury me on the weekend. Because the day I die will be sad,
But the funeral will be on a sadder day.
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︎ Aug 01 2020
Yesterday, I was digging in the garden when I found a buried treasure chest!
I ran inside to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden...
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︎ Jun 05 2020
The crossword fan asked to be buried 6ft down
๐︎ 7
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︎ Jul 28 2020
Why did they bury the sick box underground?
๐︎ 7
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︎ Jul 28 2020
The buried shoe.
Today I buried my shoe.
May it's sole Rest In Peace.
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︎ May 22 2020
What's the respectful way to bury a cow?
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︎ Apr 27 2020
Did you hear about the 500 pound man that they had to bury with a backhoe?
It was a huge undertaking.
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︎ Jun 21 2020
People tend to be buried underground because...
They feel like it has a deeper meaning.
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︎ Apr 09 2020
Want to know why being buried right now would be good?
Because you would be six feet away from everyone
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︎ Apr 23 2020
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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︎ Oct 12 2019
Saw a zookeeper crying today.
He was standing next to the elephant enclosure sobbing his heart out.
'What's wrong?' I asked.
'Trunky has just died," wept the zookeeper
'Aaw, and you really loved him?' I asked.
'No, but I have to bury him,' replied the zookeeper.
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︎ Mar 26 2021
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
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︎ Mar 18 2021
if you bury a cow, does that make them ground beef?
๐︎ 9
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︎ Jul 29 2019
That's reeeealy deeeep down
๐︎ 353
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︎ Oct 15 2020
Anyone can be buried after they die...
But if you wanna get cremated, you've gotta urn it.
๐︎ 324
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︎ Aug 06 2019
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
๐︎ 481
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︎ Apr 12 2019
What did the widow who just buried her fourth husband say?
Another male in the coffin.
๐︎ 7
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︎ Apr 23 2020
My friend Victoria told me she found secret buried treasure.
But she wouldn't tell me under where.
๐︎ 11
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︎ Jan 31 2020
Everyone was really excited when we got rid of the dynamite by burying it.
๐︎ 4
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︎ Apr 07 2020
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donโt.โ And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canโt be buried here.โ I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyโre still alive!"
๐︎ 9k
๐
︎ Jul 28 2019
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
๐︎ 255
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︎ May 16 2019
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