Bumming Puns

Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!

Me, eyebrow raised: “And why is that sweetheart?”

Her: “Because mine has a crack in it!”

I actually laughed. I don’t really know where she heard the joke or if she even knows why it’s funny, but it’s a good start to the day.

Proud dad moment.

... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first!

Happy cake day to meeeeee!

I bought my bidet on sale!

Years ago I thought my “communicator” would be used to beam me aboard my ship, or call for assistance in case of hostile aliens. Instead, it reminds me to take out the trash and that my colonoscopy is due.

Must be the high Mercury content.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I had my eyes closed.

It’s got a crack in it!

Just as I was right in the middle of taking down the Christmas decorations...

You could say they are charging a Pee-mium.

He finishes his drink and asks for his check.

Duck billed platypus.

Sweeeet quarantiiiiine...

They have troubleshooting.

Edit: Wow! This really took off! I'm happy to have inspired so many grins, cringes, and chuckles!

All bums will be able to get colonoscopies.

It was a bum wrap.

Because Missouri loves company!

Doctor: I’m sorry to tell you that it is just the tip of the iceberg.

Doctor: Don’t worry, I’ve got some cream for that.

But with a positive attitude, things have really taken off.

kid:- Because they have small hands!?

Dad:- No you bum, cause they’re extinct!

He tried to bury his booty.

A pain in the ass!

A bum rip

It was a bum rap.

What is the last thing to go through a flies mind when it hits a cars windshield?

It's bum.

https://imgur.com/7N9cd2V

She only has two feet.

I used to tell bad jokes, but now I tell dad jokes.

That's not what I wanted to hear as I was taking down the Christmas decorations...

She just can’t seem to let it go.

Dad: That is a catastrophe

He brought it home for me to sign. I guess his tan is more important to him. Help. How do I be square with him?

What's the worst part about time traveling jokes?

It twerks

Some quackers!

You don't know? Remind me never to ask you to post a letter

Their preference is mail.

Teach a man to duck, he'll never hit his head again.

Because of all the mole asses.

David Bowie: "You look a bit down in the dumps, Bing. What's wrong?"

Bing Crosby: "my inflatable arsehole needs blown up."

Bowie: "Do you want to borrow my rubber bum pump?"

Bing: "Rubber bum pump?"

Bowie: "Rubber bum pump."

He asks “Hey, you got any grapes?” The bartender replies “No we don’t, this is a bar sir.” The duck goes home. He comes back the next day and asks “Hey, you got any grapes?” The bartender yells at him and says “No we don’t, and if you ask me again, I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor!” The duck goes home and comes back the next day. He asks “Hey...you got any nails?” “No, we don’t have any nails.” ... “You got any grapes?”

This is in honor of my dad, who says this to me all the time. He doesn’t even know what the duck song is.

It was just a bear bum.

Two old bums were sitting on the corner as I was waiting to cross the street and I overheard this conversation.

Bum 1: what are we gonna eat today?

Bum 2: I thought you were buying food. You got $20 a few days ago.

Bum 1: I'm so poor I forgot to pay attention

Toilet roll. Bum fodder, because it's fodder bum.

(My boyfriend actually made this dad joke, he's not even a dad)

I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.

When it’s snot.

It was a grand dad joke

An ARRRRRRse.

I just heard him speaking parcel-tongue.

how smooth and relaxing it is to wipe the bum

A DOYOUTHINKHE-SAURUS

I had to quit my job at the recycling plant last month. I'm really bummed. Why you ask? It was soda-pressing! Lmfao my friends groan every time they hear it.

It costs you an arm and a leg

When he gets to the place where he’s supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him that he just ran out. “If you need to shoot just say ‘BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!'” he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next area where he’s supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. “If you need to stab someone just go, ‘STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!'” he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its way to the front where there’s a battle raging on.

Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, “BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!!” Amazingly, the enemy soldier drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, “STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, I’ve become unstoppable.

So when he sees his next foe way off in the distance, he shouts, “BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!” at him. He waits for him to fall, but nothing happens. The guy charges his unfazed adversary next and goes “STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” Again he thinks the man will fall and again nothing happens. “Why wont you drop?” the guy says. The enemy soldier knocks him down and responds, “TANKITY TANK TANKITY TANK!”

talking with parents after a gathering

Mum: I feel bad for John, he's so antisocial.

Dad: Yeah, he's like an eternal flame!

Me: Eternal flame? What?

Dad: He never goes out!

Mum and I burst out laughing while dad grins proudly

The guy asked, "will you be putting that up yourself?" I said, "No I'll be putting it in my living room."

Ba dum bum

it's bumming me out

I might have assthma, butt it could be type two diabooties. I hope these puns aren't bumming you out, they're just for the crack. I don't mean to be cheeky, although I might be scraping the bottom of the barrel. Butt some of them are easy to get behind

You don't have to be anal about it, its not like you're the butt of the joke. I mean anusthing is possible, I think I'm getting to the rear end of these puns now.

It's asstounding how long this is lasting. I mean I don't want to half-ass it. Okay, I'll leave out the back door, but its so dark out, I can even see the full moon!

Just kidding I'm back.... side. Okay okay I'll bring it to a robust end. It's all behind me now.

Man with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger

I was telling my mom how I fell on the ice outside my door and landed flat on my butt. She replied with "oh no, does it have a Crack in it?"

He said it was called “Youth in Asia” I was SO bummed when I figured out what he meant.

It was bummed :l

Would I be left behind?

I'm pretty bummed out about that.

Walking back from the kitchen at work with a snack I turn to my coworker and say:

"I like pears, which is why I'm bummed there was only 1"

"Ok dude", he waits for a moment and looks at me... "Was there a hidden joke in there?" He questions skeptically.

I smile at him and wait a moment. Realization dawns on his face and he curses and turns away trying not to show that he's laughing.

So I tried to cheer her up:

"Well do you know what the last thing that went through his head was?"

"what?"

"His bum!"

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.

“So as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.

“Please, call me Max”

“Alright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”

“No that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, “I’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”

Self-defecating jokes.

He who fall asleep with itchy bum, wake up with stinky finger.

Couldn't decide whether to post here or /r/nostalgia. I fell asleep reminiscing about this gem last night.

Disclaimer: not a regular dad joke.

My wife (+ step kids) and I split up earlier this year and I told my stepdad I was feeling pretty bummed out with it being Father's Day and me now kidless, so I rode my motorcycle to the beach to get some wings. He said "don't worry about it, if I had the choice between being a father or getting wings, I would have gotten wings too." Can't decide if I should feel better or worse.

My family was discussing the cubs winning the world series in 2016.

Me: I'm so bummed that it was just one year off from the back to the future prediction.

Mom: Well, at least it was in the ballpark!

Doctor: "I have some cream for that."

Again, the bartender tells him, "No, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes."

The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

It’s bum.