Whenever a book publisher refuses to accept my hand-delivered unsolicited autobiography, I usually just squeeze it as hard as I can with my thighs...

so that it's easier to walk away with my tale between my legs.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OK_Compooper
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03 2021
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I asked my kid to get me the phone book. He called me a dinosaur and handed me his iphone.

So the fly is dead, the iphone is broken, and my son is furious.

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2022
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Just bought a book called 101 Ways to Get Glue Off Your Hands

It's dreadful, but I can't put it down!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RiskReward92
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2021
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Why was the chef thrown in jail?

For a-salting the chicken

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2023
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Can't believe penguins have to publish all those books with their tiny hands.

Truly a capitalist society.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kumarshumar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 04 2022
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At the University, I used to make videos of urine at different resolutions.

I even got a pee HD.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RickySan65
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 11 2023
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What is one of the most terrifying things to read in Braille?

DO NOT TOUCH!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EndersGame_Reviewer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2023
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fruit
๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/myverypunnydad
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
i deserve a little plaque for that one
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/myverypunnydad
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 25 2022
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Weighing in on the million dollar challenge
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EndersGame_Reviewer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit theyโ€™re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. โ€œIโ€™d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,โ€ it says. โ€œSorry, but I canโ€™t serve you,โ€ the bartender replies. โ€œYouโ€™re out of your head.โ€

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. โ€œWe donโ€™t serve your kind here,โ€ the bartender says. โ€œWhy not?โ€ one yogurt asks. โ€œWeโ€™re cultured.โ€

A friend of mine didnโ€™t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heโ€™s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and thereโ€™s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, โ€œWhat are you staring at? Havenโ€™t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?โ€ The guy says, โ€œItโ€™s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.โ€

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, โ€œWhatโ€™s with the paper towel?โ€ The pirate says, โ€œArrr! Iโ€™ve got a Bounty on me head!โ€

A turtle is crossing the road when heโ€™s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, โ€œI donโ€™t know. It all happened so fast.โ€

Armed robbersโ€”some say theyโ€™re a drain on society, but youโ€™ve got to give it to them.

Barbersโ€ฆyou have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Donโ€™t forget the pickle. Itโ€™s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereโ€™s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisโ€ฆ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bugasum
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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what kind of advice do you give to an architect?

Constructive Criticism

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ryebread92025
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 28 2022
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Gravity is the most fundamental force in the universe.

If you took it away, you'd have nothing left but gravy.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wimpykidfan37
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2022
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Reddit

Said the frog, as the librarian handed him yet another book.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OliPark
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
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The last time my family went to church

So me, my mom, my dad, and my sister Annie we're in church and they had just put new book covers on all the bibles. Just those like plasticky slick cellophane ones, nothing fancy. But at one point we were standing there singing one of the hymns and the guy behind us just getting into it, he's a great singer and all but he swung his hand and I guess his palms were sweating because one of those thick old books with the lyrics flew out of his hand and railed my sister in the side of the head. And I leaned over and said "are you okay Annie? You've been struck by a smooth hymnal"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Picker-Rick
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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So there this kid that really loves tractors...

He has tractors books and toys,tractor wallpaper and pajamas, a tractor lunchbox, you name it.

The kids ambition when he grows up is to drive a tractor.

A few years later and the kid is old enough to drive a tractor for the first time,ends up falling out and breaking his leg. This puts him off tractors for good.

A while later he is out in town and hears screams, "help" comes the screams, "that building is burning,there are people trapped inside,they could die of smoke inhalation" The kid goes up to the building,opens a window and cups his hand like a straw. In one breath he sucks all the smoke out and saves the day.

How did you do that asks the crowd watching,that's superhuman. Oh that's nothing says the kid, I am an ex tractor fan!!!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TroutAdmirer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2021
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A chicken went into a library

She went up to the counter and said "buk" The librarian handed her a book and she left. Five minutes later the chicken returned to the counter and said "buk buk", got 2 books and left. This went on about six or seven times before curiosity got the better of the librarian and she decided to follow the chicken outside to the park with a pond in the middle. The chicken threw the latest book to a frog sat on a Lilly pad in the middle of the pond and shouted "BUK!" The frog looked at it and said "Reddit"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/looce13
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad Joke Inception

While celebrating the birth of his newborn, a son is drinking with his father. The father turns to the son with a gift. "Here son, it is your time to have this" says the father as he hands across a book title '1001 Dad Jokes' "Wow, I don't know what to say" states the son "I am honoured" "Hi honoured, I'm dad"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Snorklenator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.

For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time

or

In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield. Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.

I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AustralianGroan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This might be my proudest dad joke so far

My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tubabacon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Halloween Puns

Why couldnโ€™t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween Iโ€™m going to write โ€œLifeโ€ on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy Iโ€™m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


โ€œHalloweenโ€ = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


Iโ€™ll be your trick if youโ€™ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


Whatโ€™s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A โ€œhollow-weenie!โ€


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



Iโ€™m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always doโ€ฆ by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, โ€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?โ€ The other monster replied, โ€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something youโ€™re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, itโ€™s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Iโ€™m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italianโ€™s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why canโ€™t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when theyโ€™re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope itโ€™s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Chemistry Puns

Funny collection of chemistry puns

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโ€™s 0K now.


What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.


How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone


What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.


Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you canโ€™t helium or curium, you barium!


Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.


Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because itโ€™s in the ground state.


How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocadoโ€™s number.


If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What element is a girlโ€™s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโ€™s 0K now.


What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium


What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe


What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A โ€˜gramโ€™ cracker.


What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)


What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.


How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a โ€œcarbonkneelโ€


What did one titration tell the other? Letโ€™s meet at the endpoint.


How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because itโ€™s basic material.


Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down


Why do chemistry professor like to

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

โ€ฆ u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Skormes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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1001 Dad Jokes

My brother's wife recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and being a new father, my brother and dad sat down to talk. I heard my brother expressing his concerns about being a new father, and all the challenges it would bring. My dad just smiled and put his hand on my brother's shoulder, pulling out a big, goofy colored book titled '1001 Dad Jokes.' With this, my brother began to tear up. He looked at my dad and said "Dad...I'm honored." My dad, with some tears of pride in his eyes as well sniffled and said...

"Hi honored, I'm Dad."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ThatOneRussian
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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Dadjoked my teacher girlfriend last night

She was preparing to teach a unit on light, and asked me to look something up in the manual for her. As she handed me the book,

Her: "This is the light teacher's manual."

Me: "Feels pretty heavy to me."

Glare

Her: "You're not funny."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 05 2014
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I dad joked my co-workers

I work at a catholic hospital and they were handing out a book called "Bless You". I asked if it was a hospital guide to sneezing one secretary laughed and everyone else groaned.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 67
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ianrab
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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My dad at a second hand

Me and my dad were at a new second hand that had just open up. We were standing by the books when he remarked about order the books stood in, or rather the lack of.

Dad: I can't find anything, it's like they just tossed them up.

Me: Definitely, on this shelf alone there's Sci Fi, fantasy and weight loss books.

Dad: Huh, so they're placed by category.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 49
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MeLikeChicken
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
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Dad-joked my mum

We were baking two cakes for a friend. My mum asked me to check the temperature of the recipes. I put my hand on one of the recipe books and said: "Hmmm, feels to be about room temperature".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 88
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DoctorShuggah
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 25 2014
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Dadjoke in Game of Thrones Book

Quote from "A Feast for Crows," between Arya Stark and a guy known only as the kindly man at this point in the book:

โ€œWill you show me how to change my face?โ€

โ€œIf you wish.โ€ He cupped her chin in his hand and turned her head. โ€œPuff up your cheeks and stick out your tongue.โ€

Arya puffed up her cheeks and stuck out her tongue.

โ€œThere. Your face is changed.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/youssarian
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 08 2014
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Dadjoked by a Cosmonaut

In Mary Roaches book, Packing for Mars, she asked a Cosmonaut (Who general spend longer periods of time in space than astronauts) How do you deal with not having sex for long periods of time.

"Married couples ask me this all the time! They say; 'Sasha, how do you make sex in space?'

And I tell them 'By hand of course!'"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SnakeyesX
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
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I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sierrasport
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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Cake Day Clock Jokes

My book about clocks just come in the mail. It's about time.

6:30 is the best time, hands down.

What is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurtie.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence.

How do you know is a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Why did the child throw the clock out of the window? He wanted to see time fly.

What is a belt made of clocks called? A waist of time.

Why should you never eat a clock? It is far too time-consuming.

One clock was reading a clocks biography, a written work about a persons life not written by them. It was second hand information.

What kind of candy is never on time? Choco-late.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mrman1575
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2022
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 87
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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