What's the opposite of a croissant?
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︎ Jan 09 2022
Why is 6 afraid of 7 (this punchline is actually different)?
π︎ 6k
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︎ Dec 31 2021
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
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︎ Jan 12 2022
Iβm sick of all NSEW jokes on here
I think itβs time to move in a new direction.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Dec 16 2021
TIL that the Ancient Romans had four types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact.
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.
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︎ Dec 16 2021
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
π︎ 4k
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︎ Jan 03 2022
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tilesβ¦
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster
π︎ 4k
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︎ Dec 29 2021
Letβs see what your made of Mike!
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︎ Dec 24 2021
SERIOUS: This subreddit needs to understand what a "dad joke" really means.
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
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︎ Jan 15 2022
What is the capital of Poland?
π︎ 4k
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︎ Dec 04 2021
I wore a kilt to my first therapy appointment today. Within seconds of sitting down to talk, the therapist told me I was mentally ill
His exact words were "I can clearly see your nuts"
π︎ 3k
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︎ Jan 08 2022
2 guys walk into a bar with their wives and ask for 2 pints of Stella and 2 "girly" drinks
Bartender: 'So that's 4 pints of Stella?'
π︎ 3k
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︎ Dec 22 2021
Lord of the Rings (Background sets not included)
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 01 2022
I opened my pay envelope today and found it was full of parsley.
Someone garnished my wages.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Dec 29 2021
I am thinking of moving to Switzerland, I hear the social benefits are really great.
Their cool looking flag is a really big plus, too
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jan 15 2022
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but they're having a really hard time...
...putting their case together.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Dec 30 2021
Quite a lot of money
π︎ 3k
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︎ Dec 18 2021
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10.β
I still donβt get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
π︎ 4k
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︎ Dec 17 2021
Hey- itβs come to our attention that some of you who are posting here arenβt actually dads. It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Dec 02 2021
Puns the words out of me
π︎ 6k
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︎ Dec 02 2021
What is the opposite of telekinesis?
π︎ 902
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︎ Jan 03 2022
A couple of guys robbed an art gallery, but then their van wouldn't start...
Because they didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Dec 15 2021
Iβve often heard that βicyβ is one of the easiest words to spell.
Looking back at it now, I see why.
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︎ Jan 16 2022
The pit ofβ¦
π︎ 2k
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︎ Dec 18 2021
I got arrested by the Department of Animal Welfare for trying to acquire several crows to raise as pets.
They charged me with attempted murder.
π︎ 702
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︎ Jan 09 2022
We should have been able to predict the fall of the Soviet Union a lot sooner.
There were a lot of red flags.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Dec 19 2021
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible.
Because I am an eighth-theist.
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︎ Jan 13 2022
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
π︎ 879
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︎ Dec 27 2021
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
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︎ Dec 08 2021
One of the best gifts I got for Christmas this year is a whiteboard for my office.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jan 07 2022
I bought a belt off of Amazon from a company called Orion. I was hoping it would be the best belt I'd ever owned, but it was just so-so.
π︎ 857
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︎ Jan 08 2022
Too many of them...
π︎ 3k
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︎ Dec 03 2021
(My 6 year oldβs first homemade joke) What kind of clothes do cats wear to bed?
π︎ 499
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︎ Jan 15 2022
If sweet dreams are made of cheeseβ¦
π︎ 1k
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︎ Dec 26 2021
My wife has accused me of stealing her thesaurusβ¦
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Dec 23 2021
My 7yo came up with this gem: βWhat kind of candy does a sidewalk eat?β
π︎ 11k
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︎ Nov 17 2021
A taste of what my wife has to deal with
My wife was stepping on my back and she suddenly asked "How do dominatrixs not kill people when they do this with stilettos. Do they have to get certified or classes?"
I told her "The only certification for dominatrix is a master's degree"
Top tier groan in response.
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︎ Jan 12 2022
What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December?
π︎ 1k
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︎ Dec 18 2021
An egg and a piece of bacon walk into a bar....
...bartender says "Sorry, but we don't serve breakfast here"
π︎ 1k
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︎ Dec 28 2021
This has probably been posted before but I canβt find any posts of it right now
π︎ 986
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︎ Dec 30 2021
Letβs see how many of us remember biology 101β¦
π︎ 5k
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︎ Nov 03 2021
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Dec 21 2021
I made a few batches of Synonym Rolls the other day.
They all came out looking different but they taste the same.
π︎ 4k
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︎ Dec 03 2021
What do you call a piece of corn that joins the army?
π︎ 2k
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︎ Dec 12 2021
What language do people speak in the middle of the earth?
π︎ 410
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︎ Jan 01 2022
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus
This accusation has made me dumbfounded, awestricken, flabbergasted, stupefied and quite frankly, bewildered
π︎ 2k
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︎ Dec 17 2021
What fish is made out of two sodium atoms?
π︎ 1k
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︎ Dec 16 2021
What group of people never get angry?
π︎ 8k
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︎ Nov 16 2021
The surface of the earth is approx 70% water. None of it is carbonated.
Proving the earth is flat.
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︎ Jan 06 2022
What kind of Dr. is Dr. Pepper?
π︎ 6k
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︎ Nov 24 2021
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