Last night I got beat up by the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

I guess the odds were against me.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nathan_Atwater
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet

Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"

Proud dad moment!

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelprstn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A darker one my 10 year old dropped on me... (possibly triggering)

She could see I was stressed out with work and she and I have a very dark sense of humour.

Hey Dad, you ok?

Yeah li'l beat just over worker and tired and stressed about the holidays.

"hey dad, lots of men struggle with mental health don't worry about it too much, Robin Williams and Kurt Cobain daughters turned out just fine."

πŸ‘︎ 332
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rogalporn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A pediatric surgeon sewed his kids together as a new form of punishment.

If you can’t beat β€˜em, join β€˜em.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jay-overthinks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do police get to riots early?

To beat the crowd.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/srivapal
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Out-dadded by my 5 y/o niece

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.

My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."

Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckvet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My uncle used to be a rare coin dealer...

Until a group of crooks broke into his shop & beat him 'cent-less'

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know what car someone who loves rhythmical music should own ?

A Honda Beat.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBeat25
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
When is a chef bad?

When he beats the eggs πŸ₯š and whips the cream.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Irishlamb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the best present you can gift?

A broken drum kit.

Nobody can beat that....

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Michismelody
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the chef arrested?

He was caught beating an egg.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Q: What's the name of J.K. Rowling's hip-hop album?

A: Fantastic Beats and Where to Find Them.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zjunkmale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What about the star?

My husband and I finally finished decorating the Christmas tree tonight. There’s always a star and we forgot to grab the box from the basement. I said to my husband, β€œWhat about the star?” Without skipping a beat, he says, β€œIt’s 2020. Zero stars.”

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"

I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."

Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Etereve
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm going on a quiz show! There are lots of other contestants, but they're all grizzlies and polars. It's called...

Who wants to beat a million bears.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is married to a sadist. I asked her why she married the guy and she replied...

β€œBeats me”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CaymanRich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...

She beats the eggs and whips the cream.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?

To beat the crowd.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisrus65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My evil clone is trying to attack me.

But I probably shouldn’t beat myself up over it.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I took my dad to a nice restaurant.

The hostess asked us if we had a reservation. Without missing, a beat my dad said, β€œNo, I am fully confident I want to eat here.β€œ

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EcksMarksDespot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me for some favors because her knees were bothering her.

I told her she was being awfully kneedy.

( My first attempt at an original. Sorry if someone has beat me to it.)

πŸ‘︎ 140
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cats_Ass
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Row199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Al Gore Beat-Boxing

What do you call Al Gore beat-boxing/rapping? An Al-Gore-Rythm 😁

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0rionB
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, β€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, β€œgo away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said β€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. β€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, β€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, β€œSay that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, β€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, β€œCharlie! It’s a talking dog!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyOrange69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't vegans have sex?

Beating meat is animal cruelty.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlatchULancelot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a redundant horse?

dead beat

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arc-ion
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Pun

When the meat calls you gotta beat

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotBenGoodling
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a masturbation addiction....

But I'm beating it

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
do you know why police like to arrive early at riots?

They like to beat the crowd!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do the police show up early to peaceful protest?

They like to beat the crowds.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bigbackclock69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the police officer get suspended?

Beats me.

πŸ‘︎ 322
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ipooponturtles
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?

To beat the crowd.

Edit: All credit goes to u/AleoMoorea, who posted it here.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMasonX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
As an archaeologist, I could instantly tell the people of the ancient world were into sweet things...

They used a mortar and PEZ-tle.

Yeah, it's dumb but it sure beats a repost!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The Tortoise : I won the Race...

The Hare : you beat me in the race but i had a nap, so who's the Real Winner.?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/europiece-of-shit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend told me she would to leave if I didn’t stop quoting Micheal Jackson songs.

I told her to beat it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vadersdrycleaner
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!

I beat the raining champion.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do police get to riots early?

To beat the crowd

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The1Pootato
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/90eight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the absolute best Christmas present?

A broken drum β€” you can’t beat it!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend punched a steak before I got to.

He beat meat to it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KIT-3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the sign say on the shut down brothel?

We’re closed, beat it!

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JCimeno
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do the police show up early to the riots?

To beat the crowd

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Gus3114
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What it the best Christmas gift?

A broken drum.. you can never beat it

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report

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