Natives of the African jungle, when avoiding predators, call the distance between you and a lion a β€˜wimb’

Because the lion in the jungle is always a wimb away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,

People will be lined up for blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 984
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tobias_drundridge
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination

"Saved For Later"

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ridsidious
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are people always avoiding the fan facing the ceiling?

Because they're afraid of it blowing up.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goldenfire123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was Thor avoiding his brother?

He Odin money.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theriwajregmi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Avoiding people can be Avoided if they are in a void.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P00Pisgood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m avoiding playing board games with my family

I really don’t want to die

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whattajosh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
No matter how good they look, I’ll be avoiding all of the Thanksgiving leftovers in my fridge this year.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I got a ticket for avoiding an accident...

Cop said I was driving wrecklessly

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSageOne
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
🚨︎ report
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🀩

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoopass_voice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
To avoid taking down my Xmas decorations...

....I am turning my house into a Chinese restaurant.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of restaurants do Vampires avoid?

STEAK-houses.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whitetaild33r
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I just printed out a bunch of pamphlets on how to avoid saying the wrong things and getting into a fight.

Who wants some?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Santa avoid wearing masks?

Because he is Claus-trophobic!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
To avoid getting addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers...

...it's time to quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely....

.....if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
To avoid bear attacks, carry little bells and pepper spray.

It’s also helpful to know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung has plants and fruit material in it. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to the pandemic, we should all avoid buying butter.

Together we can stop the spread.

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Most folks avoid the beach for dolphin hunting

It’s for legal porpoises

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prollyonthepot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
You should avoid beef when trying to lose weight

Too many cowlories.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shade168
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you avoid a pirate laundromat?

They give no quarter!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?

Don't buy any kind of fungi. They take up too mushroom.

πŸ‘︎ 228
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrobeOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hammer2378
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a bet that I could avoid horses for a week

Needless to say, I ignored all the neigh sayers.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WeebSportsResort
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to an outdoor mall today and there was guy misting water at people as they walked by. My wife quickly avoided him.

Mister mister missed her.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I always try to avoid cracks in the pavement
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coprywriter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Want to know the best way to avoid accidents?

Get a Dodge.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnacksAttacked
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked me, β€œDad, what are condoms used for?”

I said, β€œUsually to avoid answering questions like this one.”

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My high school bully still takes my lunch money.

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

πŸ‘︎ 295
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
As a chubby guy, I always avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it extremely difficult to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
WARNING FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS THE KFC GAME CONSOLE

Avoid getting a console on launch day. Multiple units had to be recalled due to the circuit boards being "fried".

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILikeCodecaine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kattykat21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
After a procedure... Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks

Me: Can I play piano?

Doctor: Yes you can.

Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swatttt007
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do ghosts avoid Bed Bath and Beyond after eating Taco Bell?

They don’t want to get the sheets!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1derin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you avoid hunting deers with a shotgun?

Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rwtsk8
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the math teacher late to work?

She took the rhombus.

πŸ‘︎ 187
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πŸ‘€︎ u/babydluv21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?

Because camping is in tents.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.

Who wants some?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the mother melon say to her daughter when she wanted to run away to get married?

You cantaloupe!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you avoid clickbait?
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awildspenappears
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do anti vaxxers avoid listening to Queen?

Contains 25% Mercury

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliveOcelot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
First last time I made a kichen counter it was too small

Sinds then I have started to take countermeasures to avoid that

Edit: ignore the "last" I messed it up...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T_bizon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
An ice-cream van overturned in our road....

Avoid the area, as it has all been coned off.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Which interview should you avoid asking Clark Kent to give?

2:30 AM: A woman accused of robbing a large bank in San Francisco

6:00 PM: A man accused of scamming high rollers in Las Vegas

9:00 PM: A man accused of shooting two rival gang members in Los Angeles

The last one: Keep him away from the Crip tonight

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I just printed a bunch of pamphlets on how to avoid conflicts and not say the wrong thing.

Who wants some?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a horrific fear of elevators

I’ve started taking steps to avoid them

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tubergod1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m deathly afraid of elevators

So I take steps to avoid them

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ballsquancher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I am afraid of elevators

Which is why I take steps to avoid them

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate negative numbers.

I will stop at nothing to avoid going into negative numbers.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feels_Bad_Man19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm really really scared of elevators...

...so I take steps to avoid them.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodChadAndUgly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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