I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 11k
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10.β
I still donβt get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
π︎ 9k
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︎ Mar 16 2021
Wife says I wonβt get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
π︎ 25k
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︎ Feb 18 2021
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Feb 23 2021
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
π︎ 113
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︎ Apr 16 2021
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...
"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
π︎ 77
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︎ Apr 19 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 262
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︎ Mar 24 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Dec 27 2020
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"
π︎ 178
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︎ Mar 25 2021
I was interrogating a crab the other day and I asked it βWhatβs your name? Where do you live? Whatβs that on your back?β
π︎ 27
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︎ Apr 05 2021
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
π︎ 1k
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︎ Feb 09 2021
I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat spinach as fast as possible....
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 01 2021
I was sitting in a restaurant when the waitress walked up and asked how did you find your steak sir?
I said I looked at the mashed potatoes and the steak was right next to them.
π︎ 12
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︎ May 02 2021
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their moustache, and suddenly...
She isnβt your friend anymore.
π︎ 129
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︎ Mar 08 2021
I went in to get a checkup for severe pain near my belly and the doctor said "You have acute appendicitis". And I said..
Thanks, but I was looking for a treatment, not a compliment.
π︎ 27
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︎ Apr 22 2021
What body part do you spell using the letters P, E, N, I, and S?
π︎ 32
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, βIβll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
π︎ 32
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︎ Mar 17 2021
I was laying on the couch and my fiancΓ© said βI thought you said you were interestingβ
I said no honey, I said I was into resting.
π︎ 120
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︎ Mar 11 2021
I went to donate blood and the clinician asked, βWould you like to lay down?β
I told them I was inclined to it.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
I went to an all you can eat Lebanese restaurant today and had too much to eat.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 18 2021
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"
π︎ 11
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︎ Apr 01 2021
I made this She's got of lumps and bumps but I'm overall happy she's finnished kings, queens, and non-binary beans I present to you, my Les-bee-ian ππβ€οΈπ§‘π€π
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 21 2021
I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?
If good;
The good news is there is no bad news.
If bad;
The bad news is there is no good news.
π︎ 81
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︎ Feb 13 2021
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, βWill you still love me when Iβm old, fat, and balding?β She smiled and answered...
π︎ 22
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︎ Mar 27 2021
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
π︎ 230
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Dad: β... and if Iβm being frank you are acting terrible about itβ
Child: β if you are being frank who is being dad?β
Actual conversation I heard in the store
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 29 2021
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
π︎ 48
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︎ Feb 20 2021
My son never does his laundry so one day I got fed up and told him "If you don't start cleaning your clothes I'm going to leave you all my dirty clothes in my will!"
Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
π︎ 13k
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︎ Sep 22 2020
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, βDo you want to hear todayβs special?β
I said, βYes please.β
Waiter: βNo problem sir. Today is special.β
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
π︎ 17k
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︎ Sep 13 2020
My wife rang me at the pub and said, βIf youβre not home in 10 minutes, Iβm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.β I was home in 5 minutes.
Iβd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
π︎ 14k
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︎ Sep 06 2020
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
π︎ 11
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︎ Feb 23 2021
I ran into my nephew yesterday and said, βWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last.β
He said, βNope. Still have two.β
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 20 2021
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? Iβm going to do personal training for the band that recorded βLolaβ and βYou Really Got Meβ. Itβs a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"
He'll come around eventually
π︎ 49
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︎ Feb 12 2021
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
π︎ 14k
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︎ Aug 08 2020
I was making crumpets this morning and my wife asked me βhow did you make them?β
βWell, I asked them nicely.β - I replied.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, βCan you describe the symptoms?β I replied, "Sure..."
βTheyβre yellow, Homerβs fat, and Marge has blue hair.β
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Jul 01 2020
I gave the dog a bath today and the wife noticed how soft she was and asked βDid you condition her?β
So I said βyeah, I rang a bell and then fed herβ
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
My friend works in IT and I asked him, βHow do you make a motherboard?β
He said, βI usually tell her about my job.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
In Ancient Rome, there were four types of poisons. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.
Poison IV would just make you kinda itchy
π︎ 59
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︎ Feb 07 2021
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
π︎ 19k
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
Physicists are playing hide and seek in the afterlife. It's Einstein turn to seek. He counts to 100, turns around and notices Newton in a 1m*1m square. Hah, Newton, I found you!
See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!
π︎ 22
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
π︎ 37
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still donβt get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
π︎ 195
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
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