I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

πŸ‘︎ 25k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amalgamxtc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...

....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/b_wanker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"

The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."

πŸ‘︎ 113
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...

"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 262
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"How about something to eat?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"What about some peanuts?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"

πŸ‘︎ 178
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I was interrogating a crab the other day and I asked it β€œWhat’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?”

It said β€œMichelle”

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KinglerKong
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.

I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat spinach as fast as possible....

I'll call it Popeyedol.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I was sitting in a restaurant when the waitress walked up and asked how did you find your steak sir?

I said I looked at the mashed potatoes and the steak was right next to them.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their moustache, and suddenly...

She isn’t your friend anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cheifsup
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I went in to get a checkup for severe pain near my belly and the doctor said "You have acute appendicitis". And I said..

Thanks, but I was looking for a treatment, not a compliment.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sanehussain
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What body part do you spell using the letters P, E, N, I, and S?

Spine.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HisokaLaMagician
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, β€œI’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...

...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I was laying on the couch and my fiancΓ© said β€œI thought you said you were interesting”

I said no honey, I said I was into resting.

πŸ‘︎ 120
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Over-the_sun
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to donate blood and the clinician asked, β€˜Would you like to lay down?’

I told them I was inclined to it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dencolab
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to an all you can eat Lebanese restaurant today and had too much to eat.

Now I just falafel.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealitiesOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"

"A person always wins!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I made this She's got of lumps and bumps but I'm overall happy she's finnished kings, queens, and non-binary beans I present to you, my Les-bee-ian πŸ˜‚πŸβ€οΈπŸ§‘πŸ€πŸ’—
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xxCandy_floofxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?

If good;

The good news is there is no bad news.

If bad;

The bad news is there is no good news.

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/older-and-wider
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, β€œWill you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She smiled and answered...

β€œI do!"

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"

"But he didn't listen!"

πŸ‘︎ 230
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad: β€œ... and if I’m being frank you are acting terrible about it”

Child: β€œ if you are being frank who is being dad?”

Actual conversation I heard in the store

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '

Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My son never does his laundry so one day I got fed up and told him "If you don't start cleaning your clothes I'm going to leave you all my dirty clothes in my will!"

Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".

That was the punchline

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neo-1000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife rang me at the pub and said, β€œIf you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I ran into my nephew yesterday and said, β€œWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last.”

He said, β€œNope. Still have two.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded β€˜Lola’ and β€˜You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...

I just have to work out a few Kinks.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"

He'll come around eventually

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/clouc1223
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did

Daughter: "Quarantine."

Me: . . .

Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I was making crumpets this morning and my wife asked me β€œhow did you make them?”

β€œWell, I asked them nicely.” - I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RoosterBurger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, β€œCan you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..."

β€œThey’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave the dog a bath today and the wife noticed how soft she was and asked β€œDid you condition her?”

So I said β€œyeah, I rang a bell and then fed her”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billwashere
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend works in IT and I asked him, β€œHow do you make a motherboard?”

He said, β€œI usually tell her about my job.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
In Ancient Rome, there were four types of poisons. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.

Poison IV would just make you kinda itchy

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_iguano_man
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.

Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Physicists are playing hide and seek in the afterlife. It's Einstein turn to seek. He counts to 100, turns around and notices Newton in a 1m*1m square. Hah, Newton, I found you!

See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zsozso01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...

It becomes tearable

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Love_and_Poop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"

..."No, Ken do"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/canadaddy-o
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...

She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

πŸ‘︎ 195
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.