My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”
He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”
Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?
Because it'll be sadder day.
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..."
“They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I entered my sons room and said, "Remember, boy, masturbating can make you go blind."
"I'm over here dad." He replied.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says “you must be single” and I respond with “how did you know?”
She responded, “ because you are ugly!”
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My girlfriend and I always disagree whether tea or coffee is superior, she said tea will always be there to comfort you, I said...
This isn’t mine and I don’t know who made it, but it’s been on my phone for so many years and I haven’t seen it on here yet. I hope you all love it as much as I do.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: "Blues Lee"
Mine would just say "I'm glad you enjoyed my free Willy and we had a whale of a time, but we need to sea otter whales."
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
My son looked at me with a silly grin and asked, "What do you and an antique door have in common?" I shrugged and replied, "I haven't a clue, what?" He explained...
"You're both worth more than you used to be, even though you're unhinged and your knobs don't work!"
Do you guys want to know what I put in the wooden box I made and threw in the ocean?
Never mind it’s a sea-crate....
(I made this up please don’t murder me)
I went to my parents house for dinner and when I walked through the front door my mom asks,"Are you hungry?"
So I told Her,"No.I'm half German and half Irish."
You know what I said after digging a hole and finding water?
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
Wife: I'm pregnant and you're the father!
Me: Seriously!?
Wife: It's a prank! Happy April Fools!
Me: You mean you're not pregnant?
Wife: No, I mean you're not the father.
I did this in another sub and wanted to share it with you guys.
Bear walks into a bar. Bartender says - “what’ll you have?” Bear says “I’ll have a beer......... and...................... um.............. a bourbon.” Bartender says “alright. Say what’s with the big pause?”
Bear says “oh these? I was born with em.”
I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're...
What do you say to a vampire when he graduates? (and other monster jokes from a book I had)
Countdraculations.
What is 5m. tall, hairy and flies at 2,179 km/h?
A King Kongcorde.
What do witches use to know the hour?
A witch watch.
What do you call a chicken spirit?
A poultrygeist.
And one mine:
What do you call a house inhabited by a chicken spirit?
A hen-ted house.
For all you folks living with diabetes... (My daughter and I both have type 1.) Here’s the joke — What do you say when the waitress at the Mexican restaurant asks you if you want sauce with your carne asada?
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
I'm going to show you a magic trick and make two bras out of thin air
This summer I'm traveling through spice and thyme. What about you?
"So you stood there and watched while I dropped all of the laundry?"
"Yep, I watched it all unfold."
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"
My 8 years old invented this one and I am proudly sharing it with you all
Dad, do you know what an olive is?
A sick grape.
I said to my wife “I hate to tell you this babe, but your bathing suit is too revealing and tight”
She said “then wear your own one then”
I heard if you try to put a gun in your mouth and shot, it's not necessarily to make you die
This fact is just mind-blowing.
I was on a family vacation in Japan when I slept in one day. My dad flung open my door and told me to wake up. I said, “Dad, what do you think this is?...
...the Land of the Rising Son?”
The waiter approached me as I finished eating and asked, “you wanna box for those leftovers?”
I replied, “No, I hate violence. May I just pay for it with my card?”
My wife looked at me the other day and said “You’re not listening to anything I’ve said!”
I said to her “There are better ways to start a conversation.”
My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"
It didn't help, but I knew he meant well
You know the rules and so do I
I read you can buy half a pillowcase down at Bed Bath and Beyond!
Turns out it was a total sham
I glanced up, called my daughter over to the computer and said, "Hey, you like jokes right? Come here and check this one out!"
I don’t know how you guys get home every night but, I squat down, put my head between my knees and fall forward.
I brought my car to a mechanic and asked him, “Do you have any idea why my car is humming?”
He replied, “Probably because it doesn’t know all the lyrics.”
I walked into the kitchen to help my wife prepare dinner and exclaimed, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there honey! It’d really be a shame if someone..."
"...put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end!"
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, “here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, “are you a vet?”
He said, “vet? I’m fucking soaking”
And I will try to Fix You... [OC]
What happens after you and I buy glasses?
In times like these, laughter is essential. I don't have much, but for the ever vigilant mod team and you, the subscribers of /r/DadJokes, please allow me to offer this open letter...
Your mom and I are going to make you a little sister!
I was sitting on the deck with my son. My neighbor walked by and asked “Are you babysitting?”
I said “No, I’m dad sitting.”
I went camping and a grizzly approached me. I was terrified. I was about to run, but the grizzly stopped and said, “you will die in 10 days.” I replied, “who are you??”
He said, “I hate to be the bear of bad news.”
At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"
I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"
I was racking up to play pool with my son, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We haven’t even started. How lazy are you?”
Honey, I’ve got something to tell you and for once I’m not full of crap
Her: No boo, I meant who and said your name. Ray: Why are you booing me?
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I replied, “Don’t call me son, you’re not my dad.” He scratched his head and said...
“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
...and God said "come forth and I will grant you eternal life."
But I came fifth and just got a toaster.
Added Never Gonna Give You Up to my Spotify playlist and put it on shuffle. I call it, "Rick Roulette"
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?”
She said, “yes or no.”
My daughter wanted to play hide and seek in the dark. I said "That means I would only be able to find you using sound ...
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
I said, "No, not particularly."
My wife shouted, “You’re shirtless and also covered in oil?” I chuckled, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten.”
“Listen! You never listen!”
There was a knock at the door and when I opened it, there was a kitchen sink standing there. He said "You have everything but me."
A patient bursts into his therapist's office and shouts, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I'm trapped in a deck of cards!"
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
you know... i’ve always hated my middle and index finger...
but i’m okay now, i’ve made peace with them.
🎼🎙🎵🎶 And if you wanna get me / never neglect me / 'cause I'm a...
I sat down to dinner and asked my son, “You got any dias?”
Confused, he replied “Dias? No...”. I said, “well I got a whole case-a-dia.” Actually got my wife to laugh a little.
Also, we weren’t having quesadillas.
Somebody stopped me the other day in the shopping center and said "oh, sorry, i thought you were someone else" .
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
I asked my friend, “Have you ever met someone online first and then fall in love with them?”
He said, “Does my girlfriend count?”
I said, “Not sure. If she knows basic math, she should be able to.”
I thought this was appropriate given our current circumstances. One of those jokes that makes you stop and chuckle.
My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.
"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.
I grimaced, "We haven't got a son."
Gave my wife a dart and a map, "once this is over, I'll take you anywhere this lands"...
I guess we're going behind the fridge for two weeks!
A pregnant co-worker walked into the office the other day. I took a look at her baby bump and said “it’s becoming apparent that you’re becoming a parent”.
Stay safe everyone and try to keep smiling
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
My friend walked up quietly and said, "hi Thomas." Then I heard a whiny voice say "hiii Thommasss." "Did you just make fun of yourself saying hi?" I asked my friend.
"Oh no," he replied. "That's my shoes... I'm wearing mockasins."
A cowboy comes to his boss his ranch and says 'thats all 50 cows boss'. The boss answers 'how did you get 50? I only got 48!'
The cowboy answers 'I know, I rounded them up.'
An old woman goes to see the doctor. "I'm very gassy, but fortunately my farts are quiet and don't smell. In fact, I've farted three times since you came in, but know you haven't noticed at all."
The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"
The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"
I have a great business idea but i need someone to help me. I go to the toilet and you tie up bits of string.
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
I went to a bookstore and asked the guy, “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”
Guy: Of course sir. Which one?
Me: William.
As we were watching a DVD, I asked my son, "Do you know Emma Watson's full name?" He shook his head and I continued...
Emmamentary Mydear Watson!
I told my friend I don’t see color. He was shocked and said,”But you’ve known me for forever and you’re saying you don’t know I’m black?” Then I said,
“I don’t know man, you look kinda gray to me.”
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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