Dad: Son, did you know that if you, as an American, go into a bathroom in France you are no longer an American? Son: No, I didn’t. What would I be?

Dad: You’re a peein’.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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I am a unique hybrid of two exceptional athletes. My mom was all-American sprinter and my dad qualified for the Olympic marathon.

So naturally, I have been genetically gifted with the ability to run relatively slowly over very short distances.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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Native American boy: Dad, I'm hungry.

Native American dad: How, hungry.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weavedawg74
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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My italian/american dad who doesnt speak very good english, his attempt

You know why deer get hit by cars

Because their horns dont work

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beastaholic187
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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I recently bought a sweater that had some Native American-like designs on it, when my dad saw me wearing it...

Dad: "Son, I think have some reservations about that sweater."

He then began chuckling deeply for a few minutes before I gave in and joined him.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Th3Greyhound
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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It's Native American, dad.

Dad: Did you hear about that Indian who drank too much tea? Me:... Dad: He drowned in his tea-pee.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lacagada
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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Dad, how did you know American Pharoah was going to win the Triple Crown?

I studied the Gallup Polls

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whiplash1911
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2015
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While watching (American) football this past Sunday the announcer says, "...the ground can't cause a fumble." This prompts my dad to look at me and say

You'd think the ground would know that by now.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Etheril
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2013
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Dad on Native Americans

Did you know Native Americans invented the first tipis?

Now that's Injunuity!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XenobiaXD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
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My American Cultures teacher is the perfect dad

We were watching a movie about the Battle at Wounded Knee, and it went something like this- "Fire at will!" (Commander) -scene changes to a man being hit by a cannon shot- "Oh no, they hit Will!!!" I think I was the only one who laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madmike34455
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
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Why was the king only 12 inches tall?

.. because he was a ruler

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drbandre
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?

Because it'll be sadder day.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hypeaze
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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*On a date*

Date: So, what do you do?

Me: * holds up menu * you just pick one from this picture book of meals.

πŸ‘︎ 848
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niyi_M
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?

Because they're all not 'C's.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedPlanetCorridor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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Gabe had a heavy load this semester

Math, physics, comp sci. The only easy class was "The American Century." Open book midterm and final, so he wasn't going to do any of the reading all semester.

β€œIt’s a huge waste of time, Dad,” he laughed when I objected. β€œI’m not learning a damn thing in the class.”

β€œWell, then you’re just going to have to take that class over again,” I snapped at him.

β€œWhat are you talking about?” he yelped.

β€œYou know why, Gabe,” I said. β€œThose who don’t learn from history are condemned to repeat it.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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"Okay, I did learn one interesting thing," Gabe admitted.

He was finally doing the reading for his history class. "Did you know that Bin Laden was planning to blow up monuments in other American cities?"

"I bet St. Louis was next on his list," I nodded.

"How'd you know that, Dad?" he asked in surprise.

"Well, he was our arch-enemy."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said "ahh, like making love in a canoe."

I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.

It was the father, son, and the goalie host.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.

Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said β€œwhere does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”

I respond, β€œit’s my high knee.”

Dad says, β€œit’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”

I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikehocksbig
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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Apparently you can’t use the word β€œbeefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff..

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KidInk_12
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...Β£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.

He said, "Β£380. Cough it up."

"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?

I guess you can say the baby was airborne

Edit: Sorry if the joke is terrible, I just made it up.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wise_Guy_Plato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
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I want to help people spell diarrhea correctly.

Prevent irregular vowel movement.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KidDene
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
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Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lee_Hey_pat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
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How can you tell if an ant is a girl or a boy?

They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KitKattozIsMyName
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Did you know french fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/somekindahuman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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My dad tried to be funny at a restaurant.

So my family and I were at a restaurant and my mom wanted a photo of us. She asked a waiter if we could take a picture, and after the waiter said yes, my dad said "we'll take this one" and pointed at a photo on the wall...

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSmileyProject
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2016
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Dad told me this one when I read him some jokes from this subreddit

When is a cow hairy on the inside and outside at the same time?

When it's standing in the doorway of the barn.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cutelikepotato
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2017
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Native American naming conventions (contains a swear word)

My dad used to tell me this one growing up:

>Native American child is with his father. He looks up at him and says "Dad, how did you figure out what to name us when we were born?"
>
>The dad responds "Son, it's easy: I just looked around nature and what I saw is what I named you. Your sister, Flying-Eagle, for instance, was born while an eagle flew overhead. Your brother was named Roaming-Buffalo for a similar reason. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JandersOf86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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The best oriental dad pun.

My dad was born in Japan. We're an average looking white family. My dad says he doesn't look Asian because when he crossed the ocean he became disoriented.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cooterholland
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
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Football legend Gary Lineker must be a dad
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/treapor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
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Dad and daughter come into the restaurant I work at. He was crackin me up the whole time.

They are looking through the menu and the dad points to the falafel appetizer.

Dad: How do you pronounce that one?

Me: Falafel?

Dad: No actually I feel great! Just a little bit hungry..

Daughter: (Face palm)

.

EDIT: falafel sort of sounds like feel awful.

.

and again..

.

Dad orders his daughter a slice of cake for dessert.

Me: (to daughter) Here's your dessert. and (to the Dad) I brought you a fork in case you wanted some too.

Dad: Thanks! I love fork! (begins to pretend to eat fork)

Daughter: (absolutely mortified face of embarrassment.)

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riggy60
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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So proud

Helping my 13 year old make his bed. It's a hot night and the ceiling fan is on.

"Don't flick the sheet too high, Dad, or else..."

Me: "Or else what?"

"or else the sheet will hit the fan"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neuromesh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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Dad joked while trying to save my money

I accidentally put my wallet through the wash last night. This morning, as I was drying its contents with a hair dryer, my uncle walks in and immediately says "you do know that money laundering is a crime, right?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zephyrsothe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2014
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Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?

Because he had a vowel movement.

I'm 28 and came up with this myself, not a dad yet!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SKRehlyt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2014
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So we're having a roast dinner; cue stupid dad joke.

Having roast pork for Sunday dinner, which needed to be scored to make crackling:

Mum: The meat needs to be scored.

Dad: 5 out of 10.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostunicorn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2014
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**Dad:** Hey M, did you hear about that kidnapping? (my little sisters name is Emma, everyone calls her M for short)

My Little Sister: No! What happened?!

Dad: Dont worry, he woke up.

My Little Sister: ROLLS EYES

Me: Hahahahahaha! Nice.

My Little Sister: Omg! Is this funny?

Dad: No, THIS IS PATRICK! (We all really love SpongeBob SquarePants)

I GET UP TO GIVE MY DAD A HIGH FIVE AND HIS PHONE RINGS AS SOON AS I GET UP. IT'S MY MOM CALLING HIM FROM THE KITCHEN

Mom: Hi, I was wondering if I had the right number. Is this funny?

Dad: No! THIS IS PATRICK!

My Little Sister: Really?! You too Mom?!

Mom: No, I'm 49 sweetie.

My Little Sister: Nevermind! I'm watching, "Black Mirror," in my room by myself.

Dad: Sweetie, African American, don't just call them Black. That's not nice.

My Little Sister: ............. I hate you all.

  • I know this isn't necessarily a,"Dad Joke." It's more of a conversation my Dad and Little Sister had. But it was seriously one of the funniest moments I've ever seen.

  • I really love my family. Lol

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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The Cheerio story

So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the β€œAmerican dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackcrackaman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad jokingly asked if I wanted a check for my food and brought me this a minute later
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StillWeCarryOn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Just heard this dad call the local radio station...

This morning, a local radio station had trivia going on, in which the first correct caller would win a free dozen donuts at a local store.

Radio DJ: 20% of Americans have one of these in their home, and despite not working, have no plans of fixing them. First caller, you're up!

Dad: (without hesitation) Hello, I have the answer, I'm ready for the donuts!

Radio DJ: (laughs) What is the answer?

Dad: Teenagers!

Radio DJ: Next caller, you're up!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Margerita94
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
🚨︎ report
I might regret introducing my father to Reddit

A few days ago, my dad (who is a recent Reddit convert) and I were watching "American Hustle" and in the middle of the movie, Christian Bale's character opens up a safe at one of his dry cleaning businesses.

Dad taps me on the shoulder, leans over and says:

"OP Delivered"

He immediately began cackling as I groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/msassafras
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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I know you're rushing...

I'm a waitress and this one got dropped on me today when a family of 5 came in. They had previously stated they were in a hurry so brought them the check and said (i should probably mention that I have a very southern accent) 'I know y'all are rushin' so-' the dad cut me off with 'No, we're Americans.' His kids and wife were not amused and I just busted up laughing and high fived him. Anyway, I thought you guys would enjoy it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/insaneyetnoble
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
american sniper is a musical

My dad and I were arguing whether we were gonna watch American Sniper or Into the Woods. I wanted to watch the former while he wanted to watch Into the Woods.

Eventually, he started to say how Into the Woods was a better musical than what I wanted to watch. I was kinda confused and then he just said,

"How is it not a musical if it's full of violins? Ahe..he..he"

And he smirked and chuckled to himself and I am so mad right now

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfanta
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
🚨︎ report
This happend today. An American walks into the store

Dad: where are you from?

American: Wisconsin

Dad: you ever been to Australia?

American: yes

Dad: have you seen the dangerous? ( dan-ga-rouse-)

American: ???

Dad: you keep seeing signs saying dangerous.

Thought this was the perfect subreddit to post it. Also dads reading this. Please stop the: I'll do it next year joke."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dankmeme96
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm sick and tired of people referring to meth users as tweakers.

The politically correct term is Methican Americans.

Sorry if it's been posted before, my dad actually told me this one a few nights ago and I had to post it.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FReakily
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Every time I wanted to talk to my dad as a kid...

Me: Daddy, I have a question.

Dad: Is it in Portuguese? (We are one-language Americans)

Me: Well, no.

Dad: Then I don't want to hear it! (Hearty laughter as he walks away.)

So many unanswered questions. :(

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canhazhotness
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad: "If you're American when you go into the bathroom and you're American when you come out, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

European."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wtayjay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2014
🚨︎ report

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