What's a secret agent's favorite type of chicken?
What kind of glue is trusted by secret agents worldwide?
I met a pig that’s a secret agent.
His alias is Mr. Cunning Ham
An FBI agent has been arrested for attacking a man with a bottle of cough medicine...
I wonder if the victim will Sudafed
What do you call a secret agent working undercover as a baker?
Why did the secret agent with poor vision eat a lot of peppers?
Because peppers are spy see.
SO me and my son are watching Agent carter
She smacks a guy girl over the head with a bag of coins over the head sending all the money everywhere and knocking the girl out, my 9 year old boy goes "ooohhh, Money shot"
Left me in stitches.So proud of him.
Went to a fish and chip shop shop that served the food on old atlas pages instead of newspaper.
A bit odd but it really put that plaice on the map.
What's the opposite of a croissant?
Why is 6 afraid of 7 (this punchline is actually different)?
I’m sick of all NSEW jokes on here
I think it’s time to move in a new direction.
TIL that the Ancient Romans had four types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact.
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles…
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster
Let’s see what your made of Mike!
What is the capital of Poland?
I wore a kilt to my first therapy appointment today. Within seconds of sitting down to talk, the therapist told me I was mentally ill
His exact words were "I can clearly see your nuts"
2 guys walk into a bar with their wives and ask for 2 pints of Stella and 2 "girly" drinks
Bartender: 'So that's 4 pints of Stella?'
Lord of the Rings (Background sets not included)
I opened my pay envelope today and found it was full of parsley.
Someone garnished my wages.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but they're having a really hard time...
...putting their case together.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
Hey- it’s come to our attention that some of you who are posting here aren’t actually dads. It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad.
What is the opposite of telekinesis?
I got arrested by the Department of Animal Welfare for trying to acquire several crows to raise as pets.
They charged me with attempted murder.
A couple of guys robbed an art gallery, but then their van wouldn't start...
Because they didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
We should have been able to predict the fall of the Soviet Union a lot sooner.
There were a lot of red flags.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
One of the best gifts I got for Christmas this year is a whiteboard for my office.
I bought a belt off of Amazon from a company called Orion. I was hoping it would be the best belt I'd ever owned, but it was just so-so.
If sweet dreams are made of cheese…
My wife has accused me of stealing her thesaurus…
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
My 7yo came up with this gem: “What kind of candy does a sidewalk eat?”
An egg and a piece of bacon walk into a bar....
...bartender says "Sorry, but we don't serve breakfast here"
What did Adam say to his GF on the 24th of December?
This has probably been posted before but I can’t find any posts of it right now
Do real estate agents prefer decaf tea or non decaf tea?
Let’s see how many of us remember biology 101…
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.
What do you call a piece of corn that joins the army?
What language do people speak in the middle of the earth?
I made a few batches of Synonym Rolls the other day.
They all came out looking different but they taste the same.
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus
This accusation has made me dumbfounded, awestricken, flabbergasted, stupefied and quite frankly, bewildered
What kind of Dr. is Dr. Pepper?
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