A list of puns related to "You and Your Sister"
A crisis
That's mitosis
We’re just kidding
Mine was about 20 years ago, I was 17 at the time and going to my gf’s sisters house for dinner with her family. We brought some things to help with dinner. As we’re walking up to the house carrying the cookware, her dad looks back and says, “hey, now that you’re walking the wok, can you talk the talk?”. Not sure why but I’ll never forget that. Still makes me chuckle to this day. What’s yours?
Son: Dad, there's a girl I like. She's so beautiful. I want to go out with her.
Dad: Who?
Son: The girl across our street, Taylor.
Dad: Oh no, you can't! Don't tell Mom, but she's your sister.
The son was furious, but a week passed and he fell in love again.
Son: Dad, I think I'm in love. She's even prettier than the last.
Dad: who?
Son: She lives next door; her name's Ariana.
Dad: Oh son, I'm sorry to tell you this but you can't date her either. She's your sister too! I'm sorry but it happened more than once.
The son was furious and decided to tell his mother.
Son: Mom, I hate Dad! I can't date the 2 girls I'm in love with just because they're Dad's daughters from different women.
Mom: Oh, don't mind what your father said. You can date whoever you want… he's not your father!
My dad used to tell me this one growing up:
>Native American child is with his father. He looks up at him and says "Dad, how did you figure out what to name us when we were born?"
>
>The dad responds "Son, it's easy: I just looked around nature and what I saw is what I named you. Your sister, Flying-Eagle, for instance, was born while an eagle flew overhead. Your brother was named Roaming-Buffalo for a similar reason. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"
We were having a conversation with our family about cooking, and my dad just casually said to my sister (who’s birthday it is tomorrow:) Hey how do you like your eggs?
Sis: well if you’re talking about breakfast I like them sunny side up! Dad: Oh, well I like them in cake.
I instantly cracked up, and everyone else took a minute. It must be because I’m in culinary school.
I love you dad.
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.
Sister: I wish I had bigger boobs.
Dad: All you have to do is wipe toilet paper between them.
Sister: How would that do anything?!
Dad: Well, look what it did to your ass!
edit: I am a 22 year old girl and my sister is 20. She was just telling me about how she wishes her boobs were bigger and my dad overheard and made this joke.
My sister is in the emergency room with second degree burns on her foot from cooking oil, I need puns to make fun of her at thanksgiving.
Be merciless.
Edit: it was great, you're puns were big hits. After each pun I said your username without context, but at the end of dinner someone asked me if I was going insane and I said "no, those are the pun credits" so, in some of your cases it was pretty funny to say out of context.
Thank you all for your entries, they were great!
In Wal-mart, looking for my girlfriend, and trying to practice my spanish
I look around and say "donde estan, donde estan, donde estan", kind of thinking about this song I heard years ago.
She goes, what does "donde estan mean?"
I say, well it sort of means "where are you, or where are they? I'm looking for your mom and your sister."
Her reply was "I donde estahnd what your saying"
What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.
If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.
Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.
I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.
Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.
I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *
Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.
I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.
Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.
Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?
Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.
Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?
Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.
Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.
Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"
I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.
So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
When you get an infection, urine trouble.
"Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."
How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."
Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.
Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *
*My absolut
... keep reading on reddit ➡Wife: Hey, your sister's wedding is coming up, what do you wanna get her for a gift?
Me: I have no idea. What do you think she'd like?
Wife: Well, she mentioned to your mom that she could really use a comforter for their new bedroom set
Me: A comforter? Oh, yeah, I got that covered.
Wife: You do?
Me: Yeah! Starts rubbing her arm gently
Wife: Wh-what.. are you doing?
Me: shhhhh... it's okayyyy.
Wife: What? What're you doing?
Me: Being a comforter!
(This was before we got married, and she still brings it up to this day for being the most ridiculous dad joke she's ever heard.)
My younger brother is an ass, so is my dad to him. They annoy each other quite often, I think they like it. When my little bro (He was a teenager then) get angry he usually says to my dad "I will leave this house, and go to where none of you will never find, and I will never come back", my dad have many answers, like
I dont remember most of it, you can guess!
My brother usually go out and then forget about it, until one day he moved out, and comes back after a while, lol, of course! My awesome dad died 7 years ago, he was annoyingly humorous.
My Dad, my step-mom, and I visited my step-sister in Montana(we live in Washington) where she goes to school. We had a fun weekend with her all throughout Missoula. My step-mom and step-sister have a a really close bond so when it was time to say goodbye it was tough for them and they both started crying. My dad said something close to "Look now your mother is crying," to which my sister says "Why are you worrying about her I have to walk through people like this." To which my dad hits her with the most dad joke of a dad joke I've ever heard him say. "Why don't you just walk around them instead?"
(This joke just deserved a more catchy title, sorry for the mess.)
Every Tuesday growing up, we had German sausages and sauerkraut for dinner - my dad's favorite. Since I can remember, my dad has told this joke and never misses a chance telling it till this day:
"You know kids, it's not the sausage that makes you fat, it's the sauce!"
Both my younger sister and l looked at eachother, rolled our eyes and thought - why is he telling this joke every single time.. it doesnt make sense! There is no sauce here! Only fried sausages, sauerkraut and potatoes. In fact, where is the goddamn sauce, we could need it. This dish is dry as shit! My poor mom shrugged her shoulders, seemingly just as confused.
When i was about 11-12, I caught up on my dad's hinting and eye contact after the punch line.. he wanted me to get the joke so bad at this point lol. I had a moment, as they say. Oh... OOHH. BOOM. Omg the "SAUCE"!! From the sausage.. makes some people fat.. as in pregnant.. Mind. Blown.
My sister, around 8 at that time, had a few hundred more sausage dinners to "ketchup" ;) I'm not doing so bad myself, 'ey?
Edit: For the slow people out there, this joke is about sausage=penis, sauce=sperm and getting fat=pregnant. Did you have your moment too?? Admittingly, the joke works better in my native language, but you get the idea.
One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."
groan.
TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.
edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...
he responded with, "I already wok all over the place."
I'm 31 and my dad is 66 (sister is 28). This will never get old. Please, always cherish the moments you have with your father.
'Here right, I was walking home from the pub last weekend and you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, singing to myself and stumbling all over the place haha. So I walked up the back road, yano the one with trees and bushes on either side of the road and I was singing away, loving life.
Then all of a sudden this figure dressed in black appeared, I couldn't really make out what it was. I got a bit closer and it ran at me, now you know I'm a hard man but it scared the life out of me! This weird looking man looked up from beneath a dark cloak thing and said 'I AM THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS' so dad goes 'awk for fuck sake, why didn't you say. I'm Marty, I married your sister.''
My little sister was getting ready for her ballet recital and she went over to my dad to ask him how her tutu looked. He said "Your tutu looks great, but when are you going to graduate to a threethree, or a fourfour?"
My Dad and I were taking about how my sister paid for her rent at college.
Me: "Well you don't have to pay anything for me anymore" (I'm on a full athletic scholarship)
Him: "I've gotta pay to follow you around to your games"
Me: "You do that of your own accord"
Him: "No, I drive an Altima to the games"
It was a sunny afternoon in the city, and a 29 foot Amazonian Anaconda slithered into a hipster burger store. The snake slithered up to the counter and looked over the menu to find that everything was gluten free. The anaconda was disappointed, because he always found that the light fluffy bread on each end of his burger was his favorite part of the burger.
The clerk greeted him with a smile. "Hello! My name is Hyun! Can I take your order?" he said.
The anaconda responded with a sentence so foul I cannot type it here. It contained several swear words and many racial slurs against his server, all because the burgers would be served without buns.
Hyun reeled back in disgust. He requested an apology from the snake. Again, the anaconda belted out horrible curses and vulgarities.
Hyun, being the good Christian man that he is, said that he would call upon his good friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism on the snake if he didn't leave. The snake finally slithered out upon hearing this.
About an hour later, the anaconda slithered back in with his owner. They approached the counter.
"Now what seems to be the problem here?" Said the anaconda's owner.
"This snake came in swearing up a storm and causing all kind of trouble all because we don't serve gluten in this restaurant" said Hyun.
"I threatened to call my friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism if he didn't leave."
"Oh" said the anaconda's owner "Sorry about that. My Anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, Hyun".
We're sitting in the car. My dad hasn't shaved his beard in a while.
Sister: This is the longest I've ever seen your beard dad.
Dad: Well keep staring and you'll break your record.
Sister Mary Margaret went to the doctor for her early physical. The doctor said "alright, I'll need you to take off your habit and stand in your underwear."
The sister took off her habit and stood in her underwear before the doc. He started to examine her and saw lettuce sticking out of her underwear.
"Sister, you have lettuce sticking out of your underwear. That doesn't look good for your exam."
She replied "that's just the tip if the Iceberg."
So, my grandfather by the name of Leonard might lose his foot soon, due to diabetes/infection. Not at all hilarious, sure, but me and him have an awesome sense of humor. He lost his toe a few weeks back and I asked him if they placed it in a jar. He said, "No, they made it into stew."
My mother was less than pleased with our toe jokes but that was not the groaning moment.
A series of texts about my grandfather losing the entire foot ensues between my uncles, mom, sister and I. It went like this:
Me: If gramps loses his foot, in the worst case of scenarios, how would I go around asking the OR to put it in a jar? (directed to my sister who's a nurse)
Mom: OMG. Bad.
Sister: Ew. Lol.
Sister: http://giphy.com/gifs/jar-AuSAduPrXkDgk
Me: Oh man, if in forty years I'm ever at a family reunion all drunk, I'd be doing that. "Come my niece/nephew/grandchild! Speak of all your woes to the foot!"
Mom: STOP! Bad Grandchild!
Sister: You need a nap.
Me: I'd put the foot in an estate so that it can be passed down for many generations. It'll be the GrandPAW of Leo!
Mom: OMG
Sister: Ha!
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this
for me."
"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's
not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.
"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.
Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!" Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."
"It's Paul Ryan!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
Scene: A family exploring a busy city, they've been walking for a while.
Sister: "My feet are so sore can we sit down somewhere soon?"
Dad: Sees the church that he wanted to check out "We can go inside that church"
Sister: "I just don't wanna walk any more though"
Dad: "But when you go inside, you can sit down and let your sole be healed" (Alt. Ver. "Let your soul be heeled")
It didn't hit me that we were dad joked until we were sitting inside.
It started off pretty innocently. I was at work doing work stuff (I'm an apprentice boilermaker if you want to know) and came up with this...
Q. How did the bacon get to hospital? A. In the HAMbulance.
Kinda just snowballed from there...
Q. How did the sheep get to hospital? A. In the RAMbulance.
Q. How did the oyster get to hospital? A. In the CLAMbulance.
Q. How did the marmalade get to the hospital? A. In the JAMbulance.
I decided to post my hilarity on Facebook, and my brother in law dropped this one:
Q. How did the martial artist get to hospital? A. In the JEANCLAUDEVANDAMMEbulance.
And my sister chimed in too:
Q. How did the Beaver get to hospital? A. In the DAMbulance.
The next thing I knew, it just wouldn't stop...THEY JUST KEPT COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN!
Q. How did the sweet potato get to hospital? A. In the YAMbulance.
Q. How did the Indian get to hospital? A. In the PAPADAMbulance.
Q. How did the other Indian get to hospital? A. In the WIGWAMbulance.
Q. How did the insomniac get to hospital? A. In the DIAZAPAMbulance.
Q. How did the baby get to hospital? A. In the PRAMbulance.
Q. How did The Flash get to hospital? A. In the SHAZAMbulance.
I went to bed around 8.30pm. NO SLEEP FOR ME, MORE DAD JOKES TO THINK ABOUT!
Q. How did Sean Penn get to the hospital? A. In the IAMSAMbulance.
Q. How did Dr Suess get to the hospital? A. In the SAMIAMbulance.
Q. How did the exhibitionist get to hospital? A. In the WEBCAMbulance.
Q. How did the 80's pop stars get to hospital? A. In the WHAMbulance.
Q. How did the air hostess get to hospital? A. In the PAN-AMbulance.
Q. How did the POW get to hospital? A. In the VIETNAMbulance.
I'm pretty much spent at this point, but thought I would share with you guys. Maybe you've got more of your own to add?
My sister went to a LARP over the weekend as a bard and brought her ukulele. My dad had this to say when she got back
"You know, you better be careful running around the woods with your ukulele. You could get minstrel cramps."
7+ years ago my sister and I were spending time with the makeshift hammock we had just built. She was spending more time than I was in it which led to argument.
Me: "Get out of the hammock or I will throw this Pretzel at your face."
Sister: "Go ahead and throw it at my face! I will just charge you with a salt!"
She laughed and winked as she shouted it.
Another time when she was around 8 or 9 she shouted something from the bathroom as she bathed.
Sister: "Everyone! what does a pirate say when his bath is too cold?"
Family: "What?"
Sister: "SHIVER ME TIMBERS!"
These aren't even the best moments she has had. I just remember them most vividly.
(circa 1990)
Dad: I'll give you ten dollars if you get me a beer.
Me: Seriously? Okay.. --go and get him a beer--
Dad: Alright, go get me one of your sisters dolls.
Me: What? Why?
Dad: Well do you want your ten doll hairs or not?
This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.
Sister: My balls are caught in the door!
Me: LOL, WHAT?
Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.
**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.
**Grandma**: *grins and nods*
**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.
**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.
**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.
**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.
**Grandpa**: No, $2.
**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.
**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*
~
**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.
**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.
**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!
**Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE.
~
**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?
**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?
**Me**: Wow.
~
**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.
**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!
**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!
**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!
**ME**: I DID.
~
**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.
**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...
**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.
~
*while watching American Idol*
**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.
**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.
~
**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!
~
*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*
**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.
**Tyla**: Oh yeah? Well at least Papa loves weenies!
*Me and Papa look at each other*
**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.
~
*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off*
**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?
**Me**: ...Seen what?
**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.
**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about?
**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town?
**Me**: ......
~
*While driving through Alton one morning*
**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.
**Me**: Ew. Coffee is nasty.
**Grandma**: No it isn't! It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!
~
*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face*
**Grandma*My friend has a little girl and every year on her birthday I pretend to think shes older than she is.
me: hey isn't it your birthday today? what are you, like 8 years old now?
her: no! I'm only 5!
Every year on her birthday I joke with her like that... did the same thing to her older sister.
Then today, again on her birthday, I heard her on speaker phone with her uncle who called to wish her happy birthday, and he did the exact same joke. It made me feel old... have I been dad-joking all along?
My sister was showing off her new iPhone to my dad and me, since she finally broke her old phone after owning it for two years. I asked what happened to the old phone.
Sis: "Oh, I dropped my 4c and it broke the screen."
Me: "So you didn't foresee it happening?"
She rolled her eyes. My dad laughed, I laughed. I asked what she upgraded to.
Sis: "I got a 6s, it's the newest model."
Me: "So your day was a success?"
My sister was not pleased, but my dad was losing it, and he shook my hand. I think I have his blessing to become a dad.
My little sister and I are trying to explain to my dad what ratchet ment, out of no where he says "I don't appreciate your guys language" everyone was confused and said what? He responds with "you guys are keep saying rat shit" we all groaned loudly
My dad woke my brother up this morning on his 18th birthday by saying, "Good morning, now you can get a job!" After retelling this story and making everybody at the dinner table laugh he said "Yup, I guess I'm just Mr. Dad jokes." To which my sister replied "Hi Mr. Dad jokes I'm your daughter."
I walked in the house after work yesterday and my sister was wearing her "I voted!" sticker on her cheek. I said to her, "You voted!" and she sarcastically replied, "How could you tell?"
"It's written all over your face!"
MAN LAWS
The International Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding
... keep reading on reddit ➡My sister asked me how many ribs we have. I ain't got a clue so I was like "six or seven maybe". Mums a doctor and looks outraged at me not knowing the right answer. Me: "that's not something you learn I bet dad doesn't know the answer. Dad how many ribs have we got"
Dad: I dunno, depends if they're saucy and how many your brothers having
So mom and dad have my wife and my kid along with my sister's kid out whale watching and sent us a photo of orcas they saw. This followed...
Me: killer view!
Siss: killer view!
Me: are you thinking the same as me OR CAn you not think of anything unique and are copying me on porpoise
Me: I mean I’m having a whale of a time
Me: Did you FINish?
Me: Does your boat have a motor anD/OR SAIL?
Mom (probably dad's joke tho): You are on a roll
Me: Not sure I have many lines left actually
Me: Actually I’m beginning to waver on that statement
Me: Though it seems siss has bowed out of the conversation.
Me: Maybe she’ll come up with something after I’m done
Me: have you guys SEAn (sic) anything other than orcas?
Mom: Humpback
Me: good day for that!
Wife: Very cool!
Me: Definitely looks chilly
Wife: 20 texts... Wow
Me: Definitely an imPORTant thread to watch
Me: like how i cap-size my text to make the joke obvious?
Me: siss’ silence is fishy tho
Mom: You definitely LANDed them
Me: They just come to me and I let em sail
Me: To admit some are a bit ridockulous
Me: Which can make them tough to catch
Me: but I’ll keep tossing them out there anyway for the few that land
Me: I think we lost the point of the conversation though
Me: Let's coral it back
Me: I'm being far too shellfish by uslurping it like this
Me: But Siss did have the gull to keep repeating me
Me: Buoy that one was bad
edit: formatting
My dad, sister, and I were sitting in our living room when my sister said, 'Hey, boogerface, what do you want for your birthday?' My dad replied, 'Tissues.'
Me, my girlfriend, and my dad were chatting before eating dinner. My younger sister walks in and starts to boil water to make tea, and joins the conversation. A few minutes pass, and my sister pours the water into her mug and puts in a a tea bag.
-Dad: What kind of tea is that?
-Sister: It's chamomile.
-Me: How are you supposed to see your dinner?
it's my first day back home for the holidays and my 12 year-old sister has invited her friends for a sleepover
she asked my dad to bring some edamame to her room
five minutes later i hear: girls are you ready to eat your mommy?!?!
i feel for you sister. brings me back to....every time i had friends over.
My mom, sister, and myself are all blonde with blue eyes, but my dad has black hair and green eyes. While discussing our coloring he dropped this on us. My mom-"you're so lucky. With your coloring you can wear nice oranges when we can't." My Dad-"Wouldn't oranges be awful heavy as clothing?" My mom-"just stop."
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