9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?
De-calf-inated!
Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cΔlf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
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︎ Dec 27 2020
My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I've had enough. I'm leaving you."
"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.
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︎ Mar 22 2021
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
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︎ Oct 30 2020
You had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
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︎ May 11 2020
It was raining this morning and my wife had to drive right past where I work, so I said 'Will you give me a lift?'
She said 'Have you lost weight? Nice shirt, by the way, and your hair looks fantastic.'
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︎ Oct 08 2020
the other night, my dad taught me his famous stew recipe. it went great, the only issue we had was with the herbs i wanted to use. he told me βyouβre wrong about the parsley...
but thatβs okay because youβre right on thymeβ
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︎ Sep 27 2020
I had an appointment with two physicians. They told me, βthe more pain you experience, the better you will feel.β
What a strange pair-a-docs.
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︎ Jul 25 2020
Had a really tough day today. I figured you would appreciate that my wife suggested I peruse r/dad jokes while she drew me a relaxing bath.
I asked her if it was going to be full color or just a sketch.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
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︎ Jan 27 2020
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. βWe had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!β I put down my newspaper, looked at her and saidβ¦
βOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.β
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︎ Mar 10 2018
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started. I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you..."
"...have plaque on your wall?"
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︎ May 21 2020
Me: "We had ribeye for supper, you can microwave some leftovers if you are hungry." Son: "No, y'all ate it all."
Me: "What!? There must be some missed steak!"
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︎ May 18 2020
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?"
I said, "Yes. Steve."
She said, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"
"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"
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︎ Nov 04 2017
You had me
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︎ Jul 08 2019
A pod of porpoises moved into the harbor near my town. So, me and my friends decided to go camping on the beach to check it out. We brought beer for us and some raw fish to feed the pod. Everybody had a great time. You could say it was a party
for all in tents and porpoises.
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︎ Nov 15 2019
Her: what took you long? Me: you dont say. I just had a chat with our son bout how he should be wearing a proper underwear instead of diapers,
It was just a brief discussion.
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︎ Nov 14 2019
My wife and I love to go on dates, but we always do what she wants. Today she asked me, βIf you had to pick any date, what would it be?β
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 04 2019
I was caught stealing the model spine from the chiropractor's office. He called me a theif, and I had never been so insulted in my life. I guess you could say I was taken aback.
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︎ Jun 16 2019
While my 6 year old daughter was playing with her shirt and put both her arms inside her shirt she asked me, "what would you do if I had no arms?"
I quickly replied "We'd lend you a hand." My girlfriend and I burst out laughing!
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︎ Dec 08 2016
My wife is weeks pregnant. Lately the position of the baby has been hurting her tail bone. I had my face down by the belly, and my wife told me to talk to it. βQuit hurting your mother.β I said β Youβre grounded!β
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︎ Dec 15 2018
Doctor:Okay apart from your painful disease, can you tell me something else? Like, the last meal you had?
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︎ Mar 25 2019
My dad asked me why I had a pair of socks in my glove compartment. βYou never know when youβll need a dry pair of socksβ I told him.
βSure you do, when the ones your wearing get wet.β
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︎ Jun 01 2018
I'm so pissed off I can barely see straight! I had an argument with this fucking mute and you know what he said to me?
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︎ Oct 25 2018
My dad just told me he had a new response to the question "Are you all right?"
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︎ Jul 18 2015
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and said, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
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︎ Jun 10 2020
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. βWe had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!β I put down my newspaper, looked at her and saidβ¦
βOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.β
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︎ Jun 05 2019
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