Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"

Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.

Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/evilbrent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what does it become?

Wet.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconLord1401
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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Did you hear about the president's new favorite bakery? It's only serving treats with red, white, and blue frosting.

All the other ones were un-pastry-otic.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybaby
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2015
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You know, it's really ironic how the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom.

Except when there flashing behind you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BetaCrasher
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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How do you kill a BLUE elephant?

Shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun. How do you kill a PINK elephant? . . . . Hold it's nose until it turns blue then shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Binksamus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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3 yr old grandson says, "Papa, where's my sword?"

Papa, "What colour is it?"

3 yr old, "Blue."

Papa, "Where did you see it last?"

3 yr old: "In my hand."

Endless entertainment!

Edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UhmBah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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This is a series of dad jokes that all relate to each other and form a dad joke story so bear with me.

How do you kill a blue elephant? (How?) With a blue elephant gun.

How you you kill a pink elephant? (With a pink elephant gun?) No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? (No clue...?) So they can hide in cherry trees

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Of course not) Then clearly it works

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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A couple is sitting in the living room drinking beer

Out of the blue the husband says, β€œ I love you”

β€œ Is that you or the beer talking” asks the wife

β€œIt’s me” says the husband β€œtalking to the Beer”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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It’s my right to cheese

Don't be blue, this will be over soon. I don't typically share my political views online, but I am very PROvolone. I think every manchego has a right to choose. Some people may think I am a muenster for this. I am not just some liberal Monterey Jack. If you Havarti another point of view, it's a gouda idea to share it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LunOverdose
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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I couldn’t think of a good Blue Cheese joke to share for my Cheese Day...

So instead, tell me your best and maybe even... cheesiest... joke that you’ve used for your own Blue Cheese Day!!

Edit: Apparently that’s a Cake. Damn it. I probably could have found a sweet cake joke to use.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AFUSMC74
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"

Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.

Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"

And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ancil5199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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A dental implant is a device. Toothpaste can be blue.

So if you have a dental implant, and brush with blue toothpaste, what do you call it?

A Bluetooth device.

Courtesy of my seven-year-old son, who is getting the hang of this pun thing.

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πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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I need help with this riddle

Cant figure it out I do know it's a 2 word answer and it's a pun. The riddle is

Penguins blue, I love you. Penguins bare, sometimes wear. Please find what tops a penguins hair!

Hint: There only are a few of these. There are two words!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tea_baggins69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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There was a man driving a pickup truck.

In the bed of the truck was a bunch of baby ducks. He passed a police officer, the officer fired up their blues and twos and pulled the man over.

The officer said, "Sir, you can't just be driving around with all these ducklings in your car. You must take them to the zoo immediately."

The following day the same man was driving the same truck with the same baby ducks in the bed, except this time, they were wearing sunglasses.

The same police officer saw, they pulled the man over again and said, "Look mate, I told you yesterday to take those ducks to the zoo."

The man said, "I did take them to the zoo. They loved it! We're going to the beach today!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joshymint
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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A lot of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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My 6 year old dad joked me

My 6 year old son came running into the room and said, "Dad is your shirt blue?"

"Yes it is buddy."

"Why don't you cheer it up then?" And then he left the room.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebwit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2016
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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A good friend of mine, who is a father, sent me an original joke of his creation today, an I wanted to share it because it was pretty good

He's someone who has been very creative in his ways when he delivers his jokes to his victims, I'm a bit ashamed I didn't see this one coming

He called me on the phone, saying he needed help with doing something, sounding fairly serious on phone. He said "soljakwinever I need your help with something on amazon. I keep searching for lighters and it's not working right. Can you open it on your phone for me" Recently he's been asking me for help with some computer stuff, I built it for him lately and it's got nothing problems, blue screens over stuff, he's very smart but I wouldn't say he's anywhere near 'tech-literate'. But his is getting issues like I've never seen. So I assumed he needed help with something like that. I answered "Sure Bryan. Let my just open the app." Pulling Amazon up on my phone. "So what did you need help with? Something about lighters" I ask. He replies still sounding serious "I keep searching for lighters and the app keeps showing me matches. Can you try it and see if that happens to me too." I type 'Lighter' into the search bar, submit the search and looking at my results, seeing product listings for lighters. "Looks normal to me. I'm seeing nothing but lighters" He responds starting to crack "Yeah! Nothing but matches!"

I got played.

EDIT: Wording fix

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πŸ‘€︎ u/soljakwinever
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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Just yellow please

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrotalusHorridus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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Classic chain of dadjokes (no puns:

What animal can fly and eats stones? the flying stone eater.

How does an elephant come out of a river? Wet.

How do you stuff a giraffe inside a fridge? You open the fridge door, you put the giraffe inside and you close the fridge door.

How long does it take for a rock from the top of the Eiffel tower to fall to the ground? It doesn't, because the flying stone eater eats it.

What's green and smells like blue paint? Green paint.

What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge.

What's white on the outside, yellow on the inside, and can't climb trees? The fridge with the giraffe inside.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What's green, 40 feet long and hangs from trees? Elephant snot.

What's wet and has wheels? The elephant from the river, I lied about the wheels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dronelisk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Star Wars Puns

From movie puns we provide you the funniest collection of Star Wars puns

What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber? A Sith-Kabob!


Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns? So it doesn’t Hang Solow!


Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money? Because he’s always a little short


What program do Jedi use to view PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi


What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets? Wookieeleaks


What do you call a Jedi in denial? Obi-Wan Cannot Be


Where does Princess Leia go shopping for clothing? At the Darth Maul


Greg: Which Star Wars character travels around the world? Craig: Who? Greg: Globi-wan Kenobi!


Matthew: What does a Star Destroyer wear to a wedding? Daniel: What? Matthew: Bow ties, of course!


Deen Why was the droid angry? Mark: Why? Deen People kept pushing its buttons.


Luke: Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? Lei Not sure. Luke: To get to the Dark Side.


Darth Vader: I know what you’re getting for Christmas. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.


What do Whipids say when they kiss? Ouch.


What is a jedi’s favorite toy? A yo-yoda


What do you call a pirate droid? Argh2-D2


Where does Jabba the Hutt eat? Pizza Hutt


What is Jabba the Hutt’s middle name? β€œThe” Why is Han Solo a loner? Because he’s solo.


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi What do you call a Sith who won’t fight? A Sithy.


What time is it when Darth Vader steps on your chronometer? Time to get a new chronometer.


What do you call a pirate droid? Arrrrgh-2-D2


Which side of a wookie has the most hair? The outside.


Where does Jabba eat dinner? Pizza Hutt


Who do Jedi call to help open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call someone that tries to be a Jedi? Obi-Wannabe


What do you call a bounty hunter from Alabama? Bubba Fett


What time is it when Jabba the Hutt sits on your blaster? Time to get a new blaster! Why is Luke


Skywalker always invited on picnics? He always has the forks with him.


Which imperial officer hated Thanksgiving? Grand Moff Turkeyn


What do you call stormtroopers playing Monopoly? Game of Clones


Why did

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πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Shirts and ties

Just got back from shopping for new work clothes with my girlfriend. She picked out two button-down shirts for me to consider. The first was a blue-green color. I told her it wouldn't work because it doesn't match most of my ties.

The second shirt was solid gray. "You could wear a lot of your ties with this color," she said.

"True," I said. "But wearing more than one would look kind of silly."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spacecatapult
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
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Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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So there's this abusive boss at my Dad's work, right...

And he's not letting anyone go home at reasonable hours or take leave until the big project's . He's been working early mornings and late nights . It's been going on for weeks. they're all tired and homesick. I haven't had a meal with him at home all month which really sucks because he was a great laugh at dinner time. Even when I do see him he's too overworked to even think straight.

Anyway, yesterday Phil, one of his workmates had a brilliant plan.

He turned to my Dad and said to him; "I've had enough of this crap, I'm going home and calling in sick for the next couple of days!"

My dad is amazed. "Phil!" he says, "You can't do that - you'll get sacked!"

"Don't worry, mate," says Phil, "I've got it all worked out." tapping his nose. Out of the blue he reaches up and grabs the ceiling fan (It was off) and hangs upside down from it. My dad has no idea what's going on and tries to ask him, but Phil doesn't answer.

Eventually the boss walks in and asks "Phil - what the Hell are you doing?"

"I'm a lightbulb." replies Phil.

The boss is surprised and realises the guy needs to go home and sends him off for a couple of days. All of a sudden my Dad gets up too and walks away.

"What do you think you're doing?" says the boss.

"You don't expect me to work in the Dark do you?" replies my Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toggle2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Dad joked my geometry teacher in high school.

Mr. Z brought out the blue plastic examples of shapes (pyramids, cubes, rectangular prisms, etc.) and he when he brought out the sphere, he accidentally dropped it:

Me: Wow, I guess you really dropped the ball on that one.

Cue moans. The teacher was the only one that laughed. I was proud.

Edit: grammar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/veetoe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2014
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Went out for Dad's birthday last night, he set me up big time...

He asked the waitress what beers were on tap, which included Blue Moon and Sam Adams seasonal. He said "it's not a special occasion, so I'll have the Sam seasonal." After the waitress left, I asked, it's your birthday, what special occasion do you mean? He said "I only have it once in a blue moon."

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2014
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Dad just zinged me.

Walking past him when out of the blue...

Dad: Hey timodachampo. What's that in front of you?

I look down and couldn't see anything.

Dad: Oh, it's just your belly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timodachampo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
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Got blue balls because of this one

So my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob and decided to use my penis as a microphone to do some stand-up comedy.

Her: "Welcome, welcome, to the stand-up of the century. Ask me if I'm a tree."

Me: "Are you a tree?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Don't take it personally, but I think your stand-up is a bit hard to swallow."

She stopped and I got blue balls because of this, but hell it was worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clayton_69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
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Dadjokes at breakfast

Around the breakfast table we were discussing what kinds of things in nature are naturally blue.

Me: I think the blood of the horseshoe crab is blue.

Brother: What's a horseshoe crab?

Dad: You might know it as a king crab.

Me: No, that's another... ooooh.

And groans ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kigbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2015
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Blue elephants

How do you kill a blue elephant?

You shoot it with a blue elephant gun

How do you kill a red elephant?

You hold its nose til it turns blue the. Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/actsparkles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary.....

.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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A lot of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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A man is arrested.

Police: It says here you have a violent background.

Arrested Man: The background looks blue to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/officialdavid1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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How do you kill a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Squeeze it’s trunk until it turns blue, and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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Blue Elephant Gun

Person1: How do you kill a Blue Elephant?

Person2: I don't know

P1: With a Blue Elephant gun, how do you kill a Pink Elephant?

P2: With a ponk Elephant gun?

P1: No, you pinch it's nose until it turns blue and kill it with a Blue Elephant gun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xavierjh1775
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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How do you kill a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?

You strangle it until it turns blue, and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/qqwrz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2017
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some of my dads jokes i thought you people would enjoy

dad: whats blue and smells like red paint? me: what? dad: blue paint

dad: you know how when geese fly in a V one side is longer? me: yeah? dad: do you know why? me: why? dad: more geese

dad: how do you catch a unique rabbit? me: i dont know, how? dad: unique up on it dad: how do you catch a tame rabbit? me: i dont know dad: the tame way

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aroostofes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
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