An old man on his deathbed calls together his family. “My darling wife are you here?” he asks. “Yes dear, I'm here”, she replies. “And my son, are you here” he gasps. “Yeah dad, I'm right here.” “My darling daughter are you here?” “Yes daddy, I'm here”.
The man says, “Well, if you’re all here, why the hell are the lights on downstairs!?”
How do you know that birds are spies?
Because they are always in de skies
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you...
If you're dreaming that you are peeing in your sleep and you wet the bed, would that be a dream come true?
For all you jerks who are saying my dad jokes about Christmas aren't any good...
There are two reasons why you should never drink the water from the toilet.
If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
what are you standing there help your pet
Cop: "are you high?" guy: "am I what?" cop: "high"
Two chess enthusiasts are sitting in a hotel lobby, discussing their recent tournament victories. The manager says, "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."
"We have a strict policy against chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
My friend asked me, “Why are you going fishing today?”
I said, “Just for the halibut.”
If you think thursdays are depressing, just wait 2 days.
What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?
Are you guys aware of the benefits of dried grapes 🍇
therapist: "i think you might have a phobia of marriage. do you know what the symptoms are?"
me: "can't say i do"
therapist: "that's one of them!"
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands...
There are no canaries there either.
My son asked me why you are allowed to bring pencils on an aircraft when sharp objects are forbidden.
I told him they have to draw the line somewhere.
What do you call people who are addicted to cats?
Catholics.
(Please tell me that wasn't offensive)
What are you after you're a Russian?
I don't know how you all are feelin' this morning....
...but I'd say today is a 10/10.
You think gas prices are expensive, have you seen chimneys?
They're through the roof.
If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you strong or weak?
When you really have to pee, your Russian to the bathroom, when you walk out, you're Finnish, so what are you while you're inside?
European! This was one of my dad's jokes
go to the animal shelter for a pet and you are a saint
But go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind
Did you know corduroy pillows are in style?
Did you know that there are actually fake koi?
These have been a riding problem in recent times actually
So the Japanese have a way to "grade" koi to distinguish the real from the fake
And they use letters, A being the best, and D are obviously the fake koi since they are...
D-kois!
I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me the splits. He said well how flexible are you?
I said, I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays
Why are you not allowed to bring hot drinks to court?
Because in the courtroom, just ice is served.
Ghosts are always willing to tell you everything.
Because of their transparency.
What are you if you're scared of bread.
Are you my mom's belt?
Because you hit different.
Did you know boomerangs are Australia’s biggest export?
It’s also their biggest import
Someone asked me "Are you a comedian?"
I replied "no that's a horrible name"
What do you call it when two Vietnamese people are successful?
A Nguyen Nguyen situation
I told my girlfriend, “There are approximately 8000 people currently living who is like you”, and she got really upset.
I should have just said, “You’re one in a million.”
What do you do with ballon’s that are hurt?
You helium
I’ll show my self out
Are you a devout believer in creamy holiday cocktails?
No matter what your nationality is, what are you when you’re in the bathroom ?
You could say flights are getting… eggspensive
Did you guys hear? That new Star Wars show AndOr is so popular they are making another series.
It's called Star Wars IfThen.
What do you call word games that are in adult magazines?
If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
Did you know that your pupils are the last thing to stop working when you die?
Most people are familiar with the theories of Karl Marx, but did you know he had a famous sister?
Here name was Onya, and she invented the starting pistol.
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