If your Mother doesnβt give you a gift in return today, youβre allowed to take yours back and keep it for yourself.
After all, it is Sunday, too.
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 13 2018
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Mar 16 2023
Waiter: How would you like your steak cooked, sir?
Me: like I am winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
π︎ 611
π
︎ Feb 24 2023
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head because...
π︎ 518
π
︎ Feb 26 2023
I heard that by law you have to turn your car lights on when it's raining in Sweden..
But how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden...?!!
π︎ 768
π
︎ Feb 07 2023
If a bull comes to your house trying to sell you a red cape, don't buy it...
π︎ 489
π
︎ Mar 02 2023
My eight-year-old asked: "How do you decorate your pots in the kitchen?"
"With pot stickers!"
He's a cute little dumpling.
π︎ 44
π
︎ Mar 13 2023
What do you call a cheese that isn't yours?
π︎ 37
π
︎ Mar 01 2023
What do you call two guys hanging above your window?
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 17 2023
What does being born in September tell you about your family?
That your parents like to start their new year with a bang.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Mar 13 2023
Would you eat soup with your right or left hand?
Neither, you should use a spoon.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Mar 08 2023
The catholic church gives you 90 days to pay off your exorcism.
If you don't pay you get...re-possessed
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 16 2023
Why are your pupils the last part of your body to stop working after you die?
π︎ 28
π
︎ Mar 09 2023
So seeing as it's St. Patrick's Day today.. do you happen to know what you'd call an Irishman who lingers around on your porch for extended periods of time?
...that'd be Paddy O'Furniture.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 17 2023
You can now use disposable masks to brew your coffee
Theyβre good coughy filters !
π︎ 62
π
︎ Feb 11 2023
Do you stir your coffee with your right hand?
If so, try using a spoon next time.
π︎ 136
π
︎ Jan 16 2023
If you ever get locked out your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
π︎ 612
π
︎ Jan 10 2023
When youβre down by the sea and an eel bites your knee
π︎ 49
π
︎ Feb 16 2023
How do you keep your bagel from being stolen?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 17 2023
Did you know that you can open your car door with your cargo shorts??
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 09 2023
Where can you look up information about all your favourite DJs?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 09 2023
What do you say to a cow thatβs in your way?
π︎ 41
π
︎ Jan 23 2023
The number of people who don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Oct 31 2022
What do you call a partner who snoops through your phone?
π︎ 88
π
︎ Jan 05 2023
Why should you not pave your own roads?
Because if anything goes wrong it's your own asphalt.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 26 2023
Did you hear about the new air freshener that is controlled via your mind
It makes scents when you think about it.
π︎ 48
π
︎ Jan 18 2023
what do you call a guy with a gun at your head?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 04 2023
Who do you call if you get your toes stuck?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 07 2023
What do you call a group of gamers who get in your face?
space invaders
(this was so bad i know)
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 16 2023
Wairer: Do you wanna box for your leftovers?
Dad: No, but I'll wrestle you for them!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 01 2023
If you were in a game show, and the question was βWhat body part do you smell withβ, would you pick your: A: Elbow B: Eyes C: Nose
If you answered βCβ, you should really stop that. Itβs gross to pick your nose.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 26 2023
How Do You Stop A Mormon from Drinking All the Beer in Your Party?
Invite two Mormon to your party.
π︎ 589
π
︎ Nov 19 2022
What do you use to attach a Frenchman to your back?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 27 2023
How can you tell if an Irishman likes your puns?
Heβs Dublin over in laughter and craic-ing up
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 17 2023
Dr.: There was a problem during the surgery. Iβm afraid youβll never get your sight back. Patient: I see.
Dr.: Then forget what I just said
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 16 2023
What do you have when you accidentally take your laxative with holy water?
π︎ 205
π
︎ Dec 21 2022
I told a guy today: "You got a lot of blood on your hands!" He was carrying a bag full of blood vials out of a lab I was getting my blood drawn at. My pun went wasted. He didn't get the joke.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 08 2023
If you're ever in Germany and people start hoarding sausage and cheese, you should be worried.
It means they're preparing for a wurst kΓ€se scenario.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 17 2022
If you put a squirrel up to your ear, and listen very closely
You can hear exactly what itβs like to be attacked by a squirrel.
π︎ 80
π
︎ Feb 05 2023
Why should you always carry an accordion in the trunk of your car?
For when you polka hole in your tyre
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 09 2023
Hi Reddit. Have you been scrolling too long and now your eyeballs ache? I built a website with exercises to relieve eye strain.
It's a site for sore eyes
π︎ 36
π
︎ Feb 16 2023
where do you get your haircut in North Africa?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 10 2023
if you're driving and an old lady and a child cross the road,what do you hit first
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 31 2023
What do you call when your nervous system reaches a Zen state?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 14 2023
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 14 2023
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when itβs raining in Sweden..
But how am I supposed to know when itβs raining in Sweden?
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 13 2022
What do you call cheese thatβs not yours?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 03 2023
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when itβs raining in Sweden
But how am I supposed to know when itβs raining in Sweden?
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Oct 02 2022
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