A list of puns related to "You've Got Time"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
When it was my turn to pay my respects, I leaned in and whispered “Who’s thinking outside the box now, Brian?”
Stop Yellen and do something about it!
This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.
But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.
He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.
Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.
Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.
He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.
After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.
Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.
The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".
The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.
After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an
... keep reading on reddit ➡She knew all her customer's names, and they all knew and loved her. Unfortunately her husband passed away and she took it hard. So hard in fact that she took to the bottle. So badly her work began to suffer. It got to the point that the store owner realized he had to take action. Reluctantly he called her into his office one Friday. "Martha, I know you've been here a long time but I'm going to have to let you go." Martha was taken aback "But why?" "Because checkers can't be boozers"
So 3 guys are walking in a forest. And one of them finds a lamp, he rubs it and a genie comes out and says "you've freed me, I will grant you all 3 wishes each"
the first guy says "I want 1 billion dollars"
the second guy says "I wanna always be the richest person alive"
and the third guy says "I wish my left arm spun clockwise permanently"
the genie says "ok now for your second wish?"
The first guy says "I wanna look perfect"
the second guy says "I wish I never got sick or diseased" and the third guy says "I wish my right arm spun counter clockwise permanently"
the genie says "ok and for your final wish?"
The first guy says "I wanna marry the most beautiful women ever"
the second guy says "I wanna stay 29 years old forever"
and the third guy says "I wish my head was constantly nodding"
the genie wishes them all good luck disappears, and the men go their separate ways.
Years later they meet up and chat about how things have been. The first guy says "I invested the money and multiplied it several times, and so I am very rich and my wife is still very beautiful" the second guy says "I'm still the richest man alive and I've built charities with a fraction of my wealth, and I haven't aged a day" the third guy comes over to them with his arms spinning and his head nodding and he says "guys, I think I messed up".
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)
-
Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,
Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.
Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.
So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.
Answer these 3 questions in your reply:
Only apply if:
We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:
Don't apply if:
We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.
A bloke has been feeling unwell, decides to go the doctor to get checked out.
Doctor: I'm afraid you've got a terminal illness, uncureable, only 200 or so people in the country have it.
Bloke: My god that's awful what's it called?
Doctor: I'm afraid to say sir, you've contracted Yellow 34
Bloke goes home to his wife, sitting in the kitchen all sad. Tells the wife: darling I've been to the doctor's, I have an illness called Yellow 34, it's uncureable and I'm really worried.
Wife: I'm so sorry darling but it sounds like nothing we can do Why don't you come to Bingo to take your mind off it?
@Bingo
Bloke wins 3 games in a row, full house every time, can't believe his luck. Goes up to collect his prize for the 3rd time.
Bingo caller: Sir, I've been calling number here for 15 years and never seen anything like it, you must be the luckiest person in the world.
Bloke: To be honest mate, I've had some bad news today, just came to Bingo to take my mind off it.
I've got Yellow 34.
Bingo caller: Fucking hell, you've won the bloody raffle as well!!
"Red sky at night, sailors' delight.
Blue sky at night - you've got the time wrong."
Every time my oldest daughter would ask me to pick her up, I would say "You've got pretty eyes." She was about 8 when she finally got it. Now when I do the same joke to her younger sisters, I hear off from elsewhere in the house, "Daaaaaaaaad".
"Well son, now that you've got a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this"
"Dad, you don't mean-"
"Yes son, I do" Dad pulls out a copy of 1001 dad jokes.
"Dad .. I'm honoured ..", he says, tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honored", replies his father. "I'm dad".
Its an essay over the movie Cast Away and its about how the eggtimer, from the beggining of the movie, represents mechanical time(clocks) and how the waves on the island represent biological time(the human life cycle). Give me the best you've got!
Edit: I have untill tuesday (10/13/13)
I've got a 13 month old daughter. She's awesome. Anyhow, she's only recently achieved table top height and likes to grab things off the edges (that was a scary development!) Anyhow, one time she grabbed the coffee grind tamper, dropped it and went "Bahhh!" and I said "Now you've lost your tamper."
An older gentleman had an herb garden, one of the herbs that he had planted was thyme. The thyme took really well to the climate and environment of his lawn, and began to extend past his garden, into his lawn. Now, this was unacceptable as he prided himself on having a pristine lawn. He decides he needs to reign in the problem and heads to the nearby nursery to find a solution.
He gets there, but wants to make sure he finds the right product. After about 30 minutes, one of the customer service associates notices he's spent a lot of time looking around the herbicides and whatnot. Thinking the man has a weed problem, he offers the following assistance.
"Hey can I help you find a weed-killer? You've been on this asile awhile, and I can definitely speed up the process."
"No thanks," the man responds, "I've got some thyme to kill."
My family went up to Washington for a couple of weeks and my sister brought her boyfriend. Let's refer to her as Kiwi and him as Konrad. We didn't want to deal with bringing a car up, so we rented one, going with a Volkswagen Jetta at the recommendation of the agent who saw the huge volume of stuff we were carrying. I remember seeing Konrad smirking a little bit when we got in the car, but didn't think anything of it at the time.
Fast forward to the end of our vacation, and we're heading back to the agency to turn in the car, and unpacking all of our stuff from the trunk, and Kiwi says "That looks like everything," and Konrad says "Yup, I guess that's the return of the Jetta."
Me: "You've been waiting three weeks to use that, haven't you?"
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
My dad (talking to my 9 month old): you look like you've grown a foot since the last time I saw you.
Me: nope, still just got the two.
I was a bit chubby for a few of my formative years and my Dad used to tell me that I had "Bootydoo"
The first time he told me this: Dad: It looks to me like you've got a case of Bootydoo. Me: What's bootydoo? Dad: It's when your belly sticks out further than your booty-do. Me: Daaaaaaaad!
Dave is working at his job at the Time Travel Factory when his partner Bob comes back in his own time machine. "Come quick Dave!" he says "I just got back from the Middle Ages and have met a prince!" So Dave climbs into Bob's machine and they head to the Middle Ages.
They arrive at a castle and immediately meet the prince Bob was talking about. "Your Majesty" says Bob "Allow me to introduce my friend Dave. He works with me at the Time Traveling factory." As Dave bows, the Prince says "It is an honor to meet you my loyal subject. I am a Prince. My mother and father are Queen and King of this kingdom."
"It is even more of an honor to meet you, Your Highness" says Dave. "I have never met royalty before."
"It is indeed a rare honor for most subjects." said the prince. "Because of a strict guideline of pre-arranged marriage and inbreeding, there are only a small number of us around."
"Er...ok..." said Dave. "So tell me Prince, how vast is your kingdom."
"It is most large" said the Prince. "However my population has been dwindling lately. In recent months, I've had to behead a large number of my subjects. It fulfills my bloodlust and desire for authoritarian control by any means necessary."
Clearly uncomfortable, Dave turns to Bob and quietly says "I hate to say it, but this prince you've found is kind of a bummer."
Bob said to Dave "Well what did you expect, I told you. I have meta prince.
My parents are both immigrants from Taiwan and came in the mid 80's. We've always owned restaurants (currently have a Japanese steak house this is important for later) so their English isn't all that bad and has improved over time. I've never gotten a single dad joke from him. Ever.
Que yesterday we are driving home from a family dinner to celebrate his birthday. We all get into the vehicle and my mom says in Chinese "You've got something hanging onto your shirt, it looks stringy. Is that a spider web?"
I respond, "What? That's his pet, he can't raise a pet spider?"
Dad says, "Yeah I raise them really big and fat so we can make spider rolls at the restaurant." (Spider roll is typically softshell crab in a roll with other stuffs for the non-sushi fans out there)
I groaned, chuckled, then reveled in all that was my first dad joke. It was awesome. Thanks for reading guys! Sorry it's so long.
"You mean you've got a brain?"
Every fucking time.
Be courteous to the DeDutch waitstaff (and to yourself) this holiday season by leaving your dads at home before dining at DeDutch. Following is just a small sample of jokes that your dad WILL make after ordering his DeBratwurst from DeLunch menu on his DeClub card.
The waitstaff will pretend to laugh every time. But secretly they die inside a little every time.
It's really quite DeSpicable.
That way, by the time he figures it out you're a mile away, AND you've got his shoes!
He signed onto AOL and when it said "You've got mail!" (this was the first time I'd heard it), he said "It's a little late for the mail man, you mind getting it?" I went to check the mailbox and came back inside confused with no mail and found him stifling back laughter.
My girlfriend tells her dad while he's in the middle of watching his favorite tv show, "Dad I'm craving pasta, can we go get some?" He replies "You've got to let the time pasta little." And proceeds to burst out laughing.
Sister: They're making a sequel Dad: what, does she lose the other arm? A short time later... Sister: what she did was really cool Dad: Well you've got to give her a hand...
It was half-time and it was time for the mascot, Uga, to get walked out into the center of the field before the band played. Everyone, as always, stood up and was really excited to see the dog help get the crowd pumped up for the second half.
Once the band started playing, the dog got settled down on the Georgia logo and started licking his ass like you've seen countless dogs do before.The man on the other side of my dad nudged him and joked, " Man, I wish I could do that."
My dad looked at him and exclaimed, "Are you kidding?! That dog will bite you!"
Any time I order something that lists "chicken" as an option, like fajitas for example, he asks the following:
"You've got fajitas? Okay, chicken or pollo?"
At this point I just tell him either one is fine.
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
"No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father
"Well son, now that you've got a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this"
"Dad, you don't mean-"
"Yes son, I do" Dad pulls out copy of 1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition
"Dad... I'm honoured...", he says, tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honoured", replies his father. "I'm dad".
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
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