Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
My 5 year old just got me with this one: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
I just got my girlfriend with this: “You heard about that country named after Becky Stan?”
Her: “Who’s Becky Stan? 🤨
... Ohhh 😖”
(Got this one from my 4 year old) how do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Never been more proud
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
I said, "No, not particularly."
So i posted this OC in r/jokes a while ago and it only got 2 upvotes. Hoping you intellectuals will appreciate it more ....... Why do environmentalists iron their clothes?
To decrease the materials being used.
I don't know how much clothes you guys got this year
But I'm up to my neck in T-shirts.
(r/jokes didn't like it, thought I'd try it here)
I made this joke on my old account but I got a new phone so ima say it again... What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
Another one for the IT crowd (if you got this, you are old - sorry)
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Nine... eight… seven...”
I was urchin to keep scrolling down this thread, but you sea, I kept herring that the puns got more and more carp.
v.redd.it/ypd18apxdu531
The older you get the more practical your Christmas gifts get. This year my wife and I got a vacuum.
I also got this from my son. ”What do you call a shemale that’s late to a party?”
My wife came downstairs this morning and laughed, "You had too much to eat yesterday and you've got a hangover, don't you?!" "You don't get a hangover from eating too much!" I challenged.
She dug, "You do! For goodness sake, loosen your belt, it's disgusting!"
This guy got hit in the head with a soda can, but he was okay. Do you know why?
Because it was a soft drink.
Do you guys like dark humor? 'Cause I got this joke about pretzels...
If you thought this year was strange, I’ve got some news for you.
You've got to hear this joke about murder
Did you hear how the farmer got so much wool from his sheep this year?
"My dad got me with this one: 'Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.'”
You know, I've been on this planet for thirty-seven years, amd I've only got two small vices
http://i.imgur.com/LiRlSov.jpg
Got my girlfriend with this over the weekend....As a car with giant subwoofers drove by blaring music and shaking the apartment building, I asked "you know how you buy one of those cars at the dealership?"
You just ask for the bass-line model.
Lovely needles. This packet of needles is lovely. As the saying goes: "You've got to be crewel to be kind."
i.reddituploads.com/b8650…
My daughter got me this morning. "Dad, what should you wear if you want to hide in a herd of camels?"
Almost got stabbed to bring you this one...
My wife was working on a green bean casserole and couldn't find one of the ingredients.
Wife: Have you seen the can of fried onions?
Me: What does it look like?
Wife: White container, red writing.
Me [Feigning hopeful tones]: Little red writing?
Wife [Relieved]: Yeah!
Me: ...hood?
Wife brandishes knife.
I definitely got my humour from my dad, thought you guys would enjoy this
I got my wife with this in the grocery store: Her: Do you like kalamatas or castelvetranos?
Me: I don't know, I like olive them.
Her: <sighs and takes the cart further down the aisle>
My dad did this every opportunity he got. "how do you scare a bee?"
he reaches over and pinches my nipple
BOOOOOBEE!
You think this is a lot of snow, Buffalo got four feet.
You know the animal, the Buffalo, it has 4 feet.
Works best if you live in Upstate NY like we do.
Did you hear about the kid who got hit by a soda can this morning?
Luckily it was a soft drink.
Got my daughters with this one: Eldest: Dad are you ready to go yet?
Me: Digital Potato.
Youngest: WHAT!?
Eldest: What is that supposed to mean?
Me: iYam.
Bonus: Later that day eldest states she has the urge to replay Portal 2.
Every time this player was mentioned on TV, my dad would turn to me and ask "do you think he's got a brother called Art?".
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