Year Walk Puns

"When I was born"

The Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

So young and already making great strides in life.

To get to the udder side

And he wondered what was going on so as he was walking down the fence he saw a hole in the fence, and went to see what was going on, as soon as he went to look in the hole he got poked in the eye.

Then everyone on the other side of the fence started yelling "Twelve! Twelve! Twelve!"

He said his friends call him Smalls.

Son: What accident? Dad: Your procreation!

They keep informing me of my outstanding balance.

I've gotten so advanced, I don't need to use the sticks anymore.

A couple take their six year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the beach, he notices that some of the ladies have boobs bigger than his mother's, and asks her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy is pleased with the answer, goes to play in
the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His mother replies, "Son, the bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returns again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

The third time the bar tender asks why he does that. He said he comes every year on his dead brother’s birthday and has drink for himself and his brother. The next year he only ordered one beer, the bar tender was confused and asked why he only ordered one. He replied “I stopped drinking.”

I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."

Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.

"Hey, you boys Wahstarving?"

"umm... what?"

"Cause I've got WAHFULLS!"

(She was so proud, a decent dad joke from the mama panda)

The son sees a large bird flying overhead. Out of a sincere desire to reconnect, he points it out, and says, "Father, is that a hawk?"

Understanding the gesture, the father does not want to correct his son by informing him that it is actually a vulture. Instead, he offers a hint.

"Carrion, my wayward son."

The monk told him but sir, you have no arms, how will you ring the bell?

The man said, " just lead me to the bell and I'll show you."

So they walked up the long stairwell that led to the top of the belfry. Once at the top, the man walked over to the bell to get a good look at it. He then proceeded back up against the furthest wall and leapt into a sprint, face first into the bell.

He plummeted 65 feet below to his death. Tragically, no sound came from the bell.

When the police arrived an hour later, they asked the monk if he knew the man.

The monk simply said, "No. His face doesn't ring a bell either."

But wait, there's more...

The next day another man with no arms showed up at the monastery and told the monk "Yesterday the man who died here was my brother. This was his lifelong dream. If it's ok with you, I'd like to try just once for him."

The monk certainly couldn't refuse and slowly led the man up the long stairwell.

Once at the top the man walked over to the bell. He kissed the spot where his brother's face hit the bell just a day before and walked back to the edge of the furthest wall.

The priest watched in horror as once again a man hurled himself face first towards the bell, but at the last minute the man tucked his chin, stopped at the last moment and slammed his head into the side of the bell.

The bell rang with the loudest clang the countryside had heard in years. In fact, it was so loud the man cried out in agonizing pain, lost his balance and fell to his death below.

Once again the police showed up, and once again asked the monk if he knew the man's name to which the monk replied, "no, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

I'll show myself out.

Good night

To get to the chick-uzzi.

(My seven-year-old daughter came up with this one on our walk to school this morning. One of her best, I think.)

Long time fan, first time poster.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

He walked into my room and says, "Hey dad, can you take a picture of me?"

I thought it was a weird request, but said, "Sure."

As I'm reaching for my phone, he pulls out a framed picture of himself from behind his back he had taken off one of our shelves, hands it to me, and says, "Ok, thanks!" and walks out without even cracking a smile.

I stared at that picture for a few seconds in proud silence.

*edit/update* Wow... I woke up this morning and noticed a ton of notifications. This made my 10 year old very happy so thank you. And thank you for the awards as well. Totally unexpected and unnecessary but very appreciated.

Sea son's greetings.

When a chap in a van pulls up gets out and says there is a new leather sette and a leather chair in the van you can have it free of charge.

We decided to take it to our house. I told my dad expecting him to be pleased. Instead he came over and clipped my ear with the back of his hand.

Crying i said what was that for. My dad said How many times do i have to tell you. DONT TAKE SUITES OFF STRANGERS!

When the doctor walks in the man notices how buff he is. This doctor is SWOLE.

The exam begins and after some time the muscular physician cannot stop bringing up the weather.

"Hotter than normal this time of year, don't you think?"

"There's a storm coming in this weekend."

On and on he goes.

After this continues for some time the man asks, "why do you keep talking about the weather? This has nothing to do with it burning when I pee."

"My apologies," said the doctor. "I'm a Meaty Urologist."

An older guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Check it out, I got a 'selfie' stick for my cellphone," he tells the bartender. "What the heck did you do that for? You're not a 12 year old girl," the bartender asks. "Because now I can finally hold my phone far enough away to actually be able to read my text messages....."

is just staggering.

One of them brought up that the government has outlawed really loud fireworks My other friend said: "Really? I havent heard of those" To which I replied: "That's the point"

The tailor picked them up, raised an eyebrow, and asked: "Euripides?"

Sheepishly, the customer nodded and replied, "Eumenides?"

Today I could be a free man !

This was a few years ago, but my father-in-law loves to tell this story:

He witnessed a car accident at a 4-way stop. Nothing serious, just a fender-bender. The car who had run the stop sign drove off. My FIL pulled over, of course, checked on the driver of the other car, and offered to call the police.

And then he saw it. Laying on the pavement, right at the spot of the impact, was the other car's license plate. He quietly picked it up, set it in his car, and hoped he would get the right set-up.

He was not disappointed. After giving the officer his description of the accident, the officer asked, "Did you happen to get the license plate of the other car?"

FIL, totally deadpan, says, "Why, as a matter of fact..." as he reaches into his car and pulls out the license plate, "I've got it right here."

As if on cue, another officer at the scene came walking up right at that moment, asking, "Was he able to get the plates?"

FIL holds the plate up higher, points to it, "Yep, right here!"

Peak dad joke.

We have a DVD copy of the 1977 Disney classic "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh." One day I put the DVD case on the floor of the kids bathroom and then walked into the living room and loudly said, "That's disgusting! There's poo on the floor in the bathroom!"

Lots of eye rolls from the teenager. The five year old thought it was hillarious

Then the next 18 telling them to sit down & shut up!

Yes, you've caught me I'm not actually a dad but rather a 16 year old female. This is a mess of a story so please bear with me:)

The other day I went downstairs to take my nighttime meds. When I got to the dining room, I saw my dad sitting at the island and he just looked so... sad. I've NEVER seen him like that before but he just seemed so lost and it broke me to see him like that.

My dad always puts on the tough guy act for whatever reason. I doubt he wanted anyone to see him like that so I pretended not to notice. So, I walked over and started chatting with him. We talked about school and video games for a bit until the conversation went a bit dead. However, I had the lovely idea of telling him some dad jokes because those always cheer me up:)

Here are a few of the jokes I told (yes, I did steal them from here haha):

What did the lawyer wear to court?

A lawsuit

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What do you call a romantic vampire?

A necromancer

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Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2²

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I told more but I don't remember them off the top of my head.

Those jokes did spark conversation and it made me realize how much I missed having chats with my dad.

After about an hour and a half, I unfortunately had to go to bed as I had school in the morning.

However, since then my dad and I have been regularly having chats:)

A friend of mine has this great idea for a small business selling collectables, so he goes into a bank and walks up to the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan for a small business venture."

Patty looks in disbelief as she realizes this voice is coming from a dog. But being professional she clears her throat and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The dog says $500,000. And proceeds to fill out the loan paperwork.

Patty, the teller, reviews the paperwork and notices his name and is a little star struck as it reads: Buddy Mick Jagger. Feeling embarrassed, but curious, Patty asks if there is any relation to THE Mick Jagger?

The dog sighs and says, yes, Mick is his father, adopted, but his father nonetheless.

Patty explains that $500,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need something to act to secure such a large loan.

The dog says, "Yes ma'am. I have several sets of these" and shows her a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly shaped. He then produces more and more of these small porcelain animals all hand crafted and painted various colors. While trying to explain these collectables are what he hopes to sell Patty becomes very confused and thinks up a quick excuse:

"Well, for such a large loan and unusual collateral I will have to consult the branch manager."

Ms Whack finds the manager and says "There's a talking dog named Buddy Mick Jagger out here who claims to be a relation to Mick Jagger and wants a loan for $500,000. And as collateral he wants to use this?" She then holds up the small porcelain elephant. "I mean, what even is this? Is it valuable?"

The bank manager stands up, blinks a few times, looks her straight in the eye with a large smile and says: "Oh! That's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

(My grandpa would tell this joke at family gatherings to all of us grandkids, we would only ever get small parts of it at a time, but the rest of the adults would always groan at the end. Wasn't till many years later I realized this was a pretty common long haul joke! Still a good memory, hopefully it have you a chuckle!)

Just remembered this today. Not 100% sure where to post this, but it does involve a joke told by my dad, so…

Several years ago, (I was probably 11-13, somewhere in there) my dad started tossing his empty cardboard six-pack holders into the garbage can in the bedroom shared by me and my brother. I don’t know why.

After doing this for a while, he walks into our room, looks in the garbage can, and says “Boys, I’m disappointed by the number of beer containers in your garbage can.” My brother and I grin at the stupid joke, and then we hear Mom from across the hall yell “WHAT?!?”

That took some explaining.

As my co-workers gather round, she sobbed loudly "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!"

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

....you look for fresh prints!

The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..

He is going to celebrate his graduation from four years of law school.

However, he does not step inside and order a drink.

Instead, the man keeps walking down the sidewalk.

He passes the bar.

Pop, goes the weasel.

but it would be too cheesy

Since then, I've made great strides.