You loose ya phone and ya wallet but Alicia keys still there.
Right back at ya buckaroo
Ill give ya
First one to upvote and comment gets my free reward
Just hand made my first welcome sign, what do ya think?
Ya know, I really like the singer Sia, but I'm a bigger fan of the band that always closes her concerts
Ya know the hardest thing about skydiving?
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll ya have?” The rabbit says...
“I dunno. I’m just here because of autocorrect.”
Ya know everyone seems to hate the U.S right now, but I honestly think it’s pretty
Guess that’s maths for ya
John Wick said to the ninja, “Bet ya can’t hit me with that thing!?”
Ninja replies, “Shuriken”.
Did ya hear? Willie Nelson died.
He was playing on the road again.
Doc's office takin' the piss out of ya!
... and ya really wanna show it....
Take A Lock At This Will Ya!
Ya know the weird thing about waiting for peace?
Ya ever hear of the panda girlfriend that tried tricking her panda boyfriend into eating vegan?
Needless to say... he was bamboozled
Ya know why you can’t bury a lava lamp?
My girlfriend needed a blood transfusion. Life or death ya know? But her parents and I could not remember her blood type. As she lay dying on her gurney, she kept insisting “be positive, be positive,”
But sometimes, it’s really hard without her.
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor..
But I just didn’t have the patience for it
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, "do ya wanna box for that?"
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
I'm sure she would tell ya
How many kidneys ya got?
Told this one to my daughter a while back.
She said 2. I said "Nope, you have 4"
Then proceeded to poke her in each side "one kidney, two kidney" and pointed at her knees. "3 kid knee, four kid knee"
Southern (US) dadjoke: Better brush ya teeth afore ya wind up with summer teeth!
Daughter: What are summer teeth?
Me: Well. Summer there. But some ain't.
Ya know, I saw superhero on the street once, he was in line for a hotdog, read this guys mind and saw that his head was in the clouds, and he just pushed in front of him!
If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.
Idk what to say here so ya ..
Did ya hear about the guy who lost his hand?
Its alright, he found another one at the second-hand store.
Did ya hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Ya know why we had to make the FBI agent leave the bar?
Ya hear about the girl who dated a bottle of ginger ale?
She was Schwepped off her feet!
Gotta hand it to ya, ya'll.
Know why ya never stand behind a cow?
Ya know, what this sub really needs is more water
http://i.imgur.com/BO1guSD.jpg
My Dad literary banged on the toilet window and shouted, "Did I scare the shit outta ya?"
Ya'll ever been to a frog race?
It's a ribbiting experience.
So, did ya'll hear about the lumberjack who got fired?
Ya know guys, today is a gneiss day, don’t take it for granite.
While my wife and I were dating in high school we were at this church lock in. I said, “Can’t wait till we get outta here and I can plant one on ya” she said, “What kinda flower”
No hesitation I say, “Tulips”
Ya know how you annoy an r/dadjokes subscriber?
A buddy of mine makes dick-shaped guitar picks, thought ya'll would enjoy his "Dick Picks" ;)
youtu.be/Vm4hCYAvYuo
I wanted to write a joke about sodium but then I was like na none of ya’ll will get it
Hey, I got a joke for ya. It's a long one, so bear with me.
Joooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke
Ya know, I feel bad for plungers
They’ve been through a lot of shit.
Alicia Keys should start a piano leasing service called “I’ll lease ya keys”
My son: hey it’s getting late, I should go. Me (a chef): Would ya look at the thyme *pulls out sprig of thyme*... Bye
I’m Dad... nice to meet ya
This is the latest joke making its way around our house. My kids started it — I swear. And I’ve perpetuated it. Much to their dismay.
Typical exchange, usually around the table:
Kid: “I’m hungry.”
Me: “I’m Dad. Nice to meet you, hungry.”
Kid: “ARGH! I’m serious.”
Me: “well, I’m still Dad, Serious.”
Kid: (Thoroughly annoyed.) “Can I be excused.”
Me: “Well, I’d prefer you stay Serious. If you’re not Hungry, though, you may leave the table.”
Ya know, America just wouldn’t be the same without me.
Hair's a great pun for ya
Whenever someone comes up to me and says, “Random question for ya.”
I always reply, “Pineapple!”
Fencing, just kidding. A bit of swordplay for ya!
Hey son, ya know why we put salt on the rim of our margaritas?
ya know what they say about men with bigfeet
they have Sasquatch infestations
I do so much laundry all the time... o ya, how much?
Ya'll hear about the fire at the circus?
What a cow say when it chargin at ya
MOOOO BITCH GET OUT THE WHEY
That's some trash talk for ya'!
What do ya call apple juice that makes all of the decisions?
Son, I gotta tell ya, I've done some deep thinking and I've realized it's high time I quit my job and finally pursue my dream. I'm going to open a museum that commemorates the extensive and fascinating history of beverages.
I'm calling it The Gluggenheim
"Son, lemme tell ya the best way to get a farm girl to consider dating you..."
Ya know how some cows wear a bell?
They must have a broken horn.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
Ya know what? this sub can use some repairs.
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