The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
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︎ Apr 27 2020
I really don't like hanging around horses. Every time I come up with an idea, they say it won't work.
They're a bunch of neigh-sayers.
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︎ Feb 12 2020
If you work at a grocery store and you pooped on company time
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︎ Jan 28 2020
A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening heβs absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend βWhy I have to change my position every time?β
He replies βI know, this sub is full of repostsβ
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︎ Aug 10 2019
I have this guy at my work and in his spare time he dips his balls in glitter.
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︎ Jul 17 2019
Doodle I drew in my spare time at work.
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︎ Apr 08 2019
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...
The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
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︎ Oct 03 2019
I was running late for work yesterday so I called the bus company to ask if my bus was running on time?
The lady on the other end laughed at me and said "Dear... We don't operate a fleet of DeLoreans! All of our buses run on Diesel..."
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︎ Sep 13 2019
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60.
Boss: Youβre fired.
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︎ Oct 31 2018
We have a guy at work that takes so much sick time and goes to the dentist...
Iβm betting he has the dentist on retainer.
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︎ Jun 03 2019
My friend takes time off work to go dig for water in drought stricken areas.
He has a well paying job.
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︎ May 16 2019
Every time I leave work early to surprise my wife, she always greets me with these three special words.
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︎ Aug 13 2018
Dad and daughter come into the restaurant I work at. He was crackin me up the whole time.
They are looking through the menu and the dad points to the falafel appetizer.
Dad: How do you pronounce that one?
Me: Falafel?
Dad: No actually I feel great! Just a little bit hungry..
Daughter: (Face palm)
.
EDIT: falafel sort of sounds like feel awful.
.
and again..
.
Dad orders his daughter a slice of cake for dessert.
Me: (to daughter) Here's your dessert. and (to the Dad) I brought you a fork in case you wanted some too.
Dad: Thanks! I love fork! (begins to pretend to eat fork)
Daughter: (absolutely mortified face of embarrassment.)
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︎ Aug 25 2013
"The way Hulu works, only one person can watch at one time." - me
My dad responds with "So if there are two of us in the same room, Hulu will not work."
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︎ Jul 12 2018
I work as a full-time across the country truck driver.
I guess you could say life is a highway.
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︎ Aug 13 2018
It's about time my scarecrow friend wins an award for his work
He's really outstanding in his field!
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︎ Nov 10 2018
I need to work on my time management.
Maybe I should get a spice rack?
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︎ Aug 20 2018
After arriving 1 hour late to picking my wife from work for the third time this week she said βIβve had it, Iβve lost all of my patients!β And I said βyou know what?...
Maybe you should be a better doctorβ
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︎ Sep 23 2018
I phoned in sick to work for the 5th time this week to tell them I'm flat out on my back.
They told me to stop lying.
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︎ Jul 30 2018
In Colorado for work, had some free time, and animated my first pun.
imgur.com/MCThxnS
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︎ Mar 02 2018
I was talking to a guy at work. The conversation got around to wives, and he said he had been widowed three times. I said "Three wives, all dead and buried?" He said "Yes."
"What happened to the first one?"
"Poison Mushrooms."
"What happened to the second one?"
"Poison Mushrooms."
"And the third?"
"Fractured skull."
"How did that happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the bloody poison mushrooms."
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︎ Mar 25 2018
This sign I drive past on my way to work gets me every time.
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︎ Jul 19 2017
Me at work: "Hey Steve, can you check what time I get off of work on Wednesday?" Steve: "Wednesday let you."
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︎ Apr 27 2018
When I have a hard time getting my bazooka to work, I'll have...
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︎ Dec 11 2016
You know what, I had a rough time at work the yesterday.
They told me I was fired three weeks ago.
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︎ Nov 14 2017
I wish I had more time to work the animal shelter
They keep hounding me to come back in.
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︎ Nov 10 2017
Pun times at work today
This morning at break our foreman is eating breakfast and says "This bagel isn't even cut", to which I reply "It must not be Jewish". He didn't laugh.
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︎ May 30 2014
So at work I was offered a course about time management....
But I was too busy to go :(
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︎ Aug 27 2016
How did Scrooge get his employees to work double time on Christmas Eve?
He made Crochet sign a quaver.
(Credit goes to a friend of mine who's been writing Christmas cracker puns)
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︎ Dec 24 2012
Night Porter at work with my favourite dadjoke of all time
Receptionist at work had gone to get a glass of water from the bar. As she came around the corner stephen(the night Porter) was coming around at the same time. Startled, she said "oh jesus!" And without missing a beat he said "no, Stephen" and carried on walking. My admiration of the man rocketed.
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︎ Jun 23 2016
Works every time...
Casually grabs my shirt sleeve and gives it a feel with his thumb and pointer finger and asks:
Dad: Hey, is this felt?
Me: No!
Dad: Well It is now!
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︎ Jul 14 2015
I told my son the time I drove to work in a limousine.
He didn't believe me. Well I can't blame him, it WAS a bit of a stretch.
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︎ Jan 05 2016
Got dadjoked several times on the way to work
So a few nights ago my girlfriend said she was craving tuna. Today I'm bringing her a can as a joke, and in the car the dadjokes started rolling out:
Me: "I told her the surprise (tuna) was nothing romantic so don't get excited"
Dad: "Yeah. It's a little bit fishy"
Me: "Facepalm"
Dad: "I know, that joke was a little slimy wasn't it?"
Me: "This is going on reddit"
Dad: "Perhaps I should scale it back a bit"
Me: This is too much"
Dad: "I should just go back to the school (he's a teacher)"
Edit: formatting
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︎ Aug 31 2014
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︎ Nov 15 2013
My wife is at a conference for work and took some time to respond to a text...
Her: "Sorry, I was at an evening session."
Me: "Ah, so now can you even?"
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︎ May 28 2015
Every damn time my dad comes over to work on my family's cars.
His hands all dirty with oil and other car parts gunk.
Me: "Dad want something to eat?"
Dad: "Sure why not"
I serve him and before he grabs a bite.
Dad: "Wait, did you wash your hands? I hope you did before you served me"
Then he goes on for a good 5-10 minutes about all the possibilities that I could have tainted his food with dirty hands and not showering before he gets up to wash his hands and eat.
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︎ Aug 24 2013
Me: Every time I drive by cows I always honk to see if they will turn and look. Dad: You want to know why they don't respond? Me: why? Dad: Because their horns don't work.
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︎ Jan 03 2015
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