Wonderful Today Puns

And then it hit me! I didn't see that one coming

I promptly burst out singing: "Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm!"

I got a full-on facepalm out of her. It was excellent.

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

Do marching band performers describe rehearsal as a normal, hum"drum" activity?

My mom: Well, he didn't see you. Thanks for that, mom

Alright, I am the manager at a new vr place in our mall- and we have a wonderful foosball table that people can come in and play free. Three teenage boys come in and challenge me to a game of 2 vs. 2. As I am destroying them, with the boy next to me mostly texting, one stops and looks at me after getting his first point on our team and says "This is getting intense." I nod and look around confused, then say "Uh.. I think you are confused, we are indoors-- not in-tents."

Lets just say i was pretty proud of myself today.

I was driving by some land for sale and wondered the price. It was a lot.

Edit. First attempt at submitting one. Thought of it on the way home from work today.

I was riding with my coworker today and we passed by a car with the license plate of "Wanda3". I comment wondering where Wanda1 and 2 are.

My coworker leans over and says: "I wanda"

groan

I now have so much respect for all the jokes in here,

So i just became a dad on Friday to a beautiful baby girl and my story goes like this.

Today a Midwife came into the room where my wife and I were and started with a speech " Hi my name is !editingoutinfo! I was wondering if i can take a blood sample from the baby, It's voluntary, it's for statistics and it gets sent out to a lab and they test for all rare conditions, they are going to test her genes and..."

At which point i stopped her and said "we haven't got any jeans for her, everyone has been buying her pink dresses"

she gave me a pity laugh and said "ohh the dad jokes are starting already"

What is happening to me?

Today we were having lunch in a fancy restaurant for my cousin's birthday.

The conversation turned to which unusual animals people had eaten and what they tasted like. My cousin goes "I wonder what platypus tastes like, fish?"

Boyfriend: "I've heard platypus is great until you get the bill"

He is constantly saying shit like this... he can't help himself.

So earlier today my sister visited a bakery in Boston known for its cannolis. Her friend asks " I wonder how many cannolis they sell on Saturdays" my sister's response " I cannoli imagine" immediately followed by "my dad would be so proud"

I went to a Korean BBQ restaurant today to celebrate my birthday, and one of the things this restaurant is known for is bringing out a lot of side dishes. Like 20 of them, to the point that there's no way we could finish it all.

So after we eat the manager comes around and asks how we liked the food.

>Dad: The food was really good, but I have a problem with the side dishes

>Manager: Oh no, I'm so sorry, what was the problem?

>Dad: There weren't enough of them, the selection was too small!!

At this point he starts doing the dad laugh, but the manager still didn't realize he was kidding, so my mom had to butt in and say it was wonderful. Hope we didn't offend or anything -.-

I am engaged to a fine lady who is slowly learning the wonder that are dad jokes. I work at a company that makes fans and today I just got a text from her telling me to "Have a FAN-tastic day!"

So today my english teacher was going to test how much vocab we memorized, for the SAT exam if you're wondering, and he asked one student how many did he memorize. The guy answered saying about 300. The teacher replied what can you do with just 300, And then i couldn't hold it and replied "A movie"

I work at a zoo on weekends. We were feeding the King Vultures their meat diets today.

The female almost always gets her meat stolen by the male, so we have to keep the male away while she eats the meat off the exhibit floor.

The other keeper wondered aloud why the male would want her food when he has the same thing waiting on his perch. I said "He must prefer ground beef."

Thank you.

I walked into a Michaels store today and saw a sales sign that had fallen off its stand from one side.

The sales associate saw me looking at it and said, "If you were wondering, we are having a sideways sale!".

I couldn't resist. "Well, that explains why the prices had dropped by half! "

We knew what we did. It was marvelous.

so I was talking to my friend about what made our days good today, and he said "also Thom Yorke randomly dropped an album."

I replied, "what, were his hands too full? ba dum sss"

he hasn't replied back yet. wonder why?

Just as a bit of background I work in the produce department stacking vegetables and such at a chain grocery store.

Today I was fixing up a display and dropped a squash onto the ground. Before I could bend over to get it a customer walked by and grabbed it and put it in her bag. I told her that she could have a different one if she wanted because it may have been damaged. But instead she walked away and turned to said "This one is already squashed so I guess it doesn't matter" and then laughed at her joke while continuing on, leaving me standing there, squash in hand wondering what just happened.

football commentator says something about a player's NFL debut being today just before I get crushed ice from the in-door ice maker from the fridge

Dad: "Wait I missed that, WHOSE debut is it today? What was his name again? I couldn't hear!" Me, loudly: "Hang on!" points to fridge "Ice maker." Dad: "WOW his name is Ice Maker?! No wonder he's so tough!"

Now, my dad doesn't often do this so I kinda started at him before slowly saying, "No.....his....it's not...." Then he grinned at me as I felt dumb.

I was out shooting ground squirrels with my step dad and his friend today. At a pause in the action, step dad asks:

"I wonder what goes through their mind when they are killed."

Me being the smartass I am replied: "A bullet."

Got groans from dad and friend alike. Accomplished a goal.

I was doing my living will today and when I went over where it specifies my cremation I suddenly had the brightest idea of adding the following:

> .. On the jar for my ashes, please engrave the following: "Hi, I'm sorry if I look a bit ashen today..".

I wonder..

A bit of a background, my mom is a nurse who works in day surgery and talks to patients before their sugery and often tells us about people's she met. Today the former CEO of Cadbury Canada came in and is from Malta. Cue my dad with "I wonder if his favourite chocolate is malt" many groans were had by all

When I was in 1st grade I had to get glasses and left school early with my mom and dad to pick them up. The place on that particular day was open half a day and we got there just before they closed. As we entered my dad saw that the receptionist was a dwarf and turned to my mom and said "No wonder they have a half day today."

So, my GF was watching True Blood. I had donated platelets today, which I do every month. The following exchange ensued:

Me: "I wonder do vampires like platelets?"

GF: "They probably consider it one of their main food groups. Like we would view amino acids."

Me: "You're a meano!" (she has to endure lot of shite like this."

GF: "Well you're acidic!"

Me: "What are you basing this on?"

GF: groan

My dad was on the phone, talking to my grandfather about some corn he was looking at today. My dad pointed out that the corn that was packaged was much more expensive than the unwrapped corn. In fact it was 5 for dollar. When my grandfather heard this he replied "So they were a buccaneer?"

My dad just said "No wonder the kids hate my sense of humor!"

So I visited a museum that used to be a bank with my dad today. At some point, I lost track of him and went to find him. After a quick look around, I saw him emerge from the bathroom.

"I was wondering where you went," I commented

"Well this is a bank," he replied "so I thought I should make a deposit!"

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

A man approached me today wondering if he could ask me what day it is?

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