William Poser Puns

MATCH RESULTS

IMPORTANT NOTES

• Kickoff with Grayson Waller who cuts off the intro and says you see the greats in the opening but you don't see Tomaso Ciampa among them because he's larger than life. He says the fans boo everyone who becomes a star like John Cena, The Rock, and Roman Reigns and they all are killing it now just like he will be. He says he isn't listening to people with 80,000 tweets and 3 followers who are saying he's nothing, he knows he's a superstar.

• LA Knight is interviewed, he says he didn't go out and cost Grayson Waller the match because he'd do that on his own, and that's a fact of life. Joe Gacy comes by and says his facts are harmful and they should be building each other up not tearing each other down and says he has a safe space out there if he wants to work through this. Knight says he'll meet him in the ring and he won't be bringing and micro aggressions, just ruthless aggression.

• Toxic Attraction are shown arriving to the arena. Mandy Rose says Cora Jade doesn't even belong in the ring and she's just a poser. They're walking by as Dakota joins them. They see a bunch of junk destroyed and wonder who smashed it up and walk off as Kay Lee Ray smashes more of the junk after they pass.

• A Crestfallen Cameron Grimes comes down to the ring. He says he grew up in a very small town in North Carolina, and every day he'd have people push him down and tell him he's not good enough. But he showed them he was good enough, it didn't matter how much he scratched and clawed, how many concrete floors he slept on, or how many times he scrounged for change, he proved that Cameron Grimes holds it down. Through it all he kept his beard to remind him where he came from and to remember when he was the only one he could rely on. Duke Hudson took that from him, and demands Duke comes to the ring. Duke appears on the titantron in a

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Do your worst!

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

They’re on standbi

BamBOO!

Pilot on me!!

Published in Offbeat: Uncollected Stories, edited by William F Nolan (Valancourt Books reprint, 2017). There is a slightly edited version in Backteria and Other Improbable Tales (RosettaBooks, 2011); the only consequential difference between that "Last Blah" and this one is that the final five paragraphs have been removed.

> You are awake, pale thing, your muddy eyes perusing. There the ceiling, there the walls; security in plaster and paint, in parchment jiggled with coordinate lilies. Primo: Lousigoddam wallpaper. It is, has been and never more will be your opening reflection. Secundo: Mildred isajerk. This thought may continue. > > Slumber-fogged, your gaze seeks out the clock. It has not clarioned the dawn. It is, indeed, not even cognizant of dawn’s most rosy rise, its black arms pointing frozenly to midnight’s XII— > > —or noon! You start, eyes bugged and marbleized, mouth a precipitate sanctuary for some indigent gnat. Wotnth’ell! And— snap! Body parallel with mattress becomes body squared. You are—presto!—ninety degrees of male American athrob; a sitting inflammation. With a crunch of the cervix, a crackle of the clavicle, you look around the room, you look around the— > > Silence. All and only silence. (Pallid thing) > > “Mil!” you call. What, no sibilance of frizzling bacon, no scent of coffee? “Millie!” No savor of charred toast, no lilt of nagging on the air? > > “Mildred!” Wot’nth’blublazinghellis— > > Silence. Oh so silent. > > Your brow is rill-eroded now. A curious dismay guerrillas in your craw. Too silent this. Too—deadly silent. Yes? > > “MILDRED!” > > Ah, no reply, blanched thing. Your corn-cobbed toes compress the rug, your torso goes aloft, you find erection. “What’s goin’ on?” mumble you. You thump across the room, shanks athwart, terror tapping tunes along your spine. You reach the hall. “Mil!” you cry. No Mil. The hallway is your racetrack. You are Mercury and Ariel. You are Puck in pink pajamas. “Millie!” No Millie. You blunder like a village-razing mammoth through the chambers of your home. “Mildred!” > > No—need I append?—Mildred. > > In fact, nothing. Whether sign of exodus, Goinghometomother note or hint of counternatural removal. Pale thing, you are aghast. Panic rings the tocsin in your wooly brain. Where—eh?—is Mildred? Why—ask you—at noon, are you alone, self-wakened? > > Noon? But see, the black arms still point alike

Nothing, he was gladiator.

Christopher Walken

Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.

This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.

If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.

Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.

What did 0 say to 8 ?

" Nice Belt "

So What did 3 say to 8 ?

" Hey, you two stop making out "

When I got home, they were still there.

I won't be doing that today!

[Removed]

Where ever you left it 🤷‍♀️🤭

This morning, my 4 year old daughter.

Daughter: I'm hungry

Me: nerves building, smile widening

Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.

She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.

Thank you all for listening.

There hasn't been a post all year!

You take away their little brooms

It was about a weak back.

They're not as common now as they were in the first decade of the century, but holy shit yes were they around then and were they annoying. The common attack that it's "not real punk" which you still hear today come to think of it, and also people in the hardcore scene who hated it, I saw people call Chad Gilbert a sellout when he left Shai Hulud for New Found Glory, some people wanted to boycott Fall Out Boy's previous hardcore bands, people threw fits about pop-punk bands being on the same bill as hardcore bands (seriously, you can always just enjoy the outdoors if there's a band you don't like playing a set), there was a lot of anti-pop-punk and anti-pop-punk bands early memes, etc.

You don't really see this too much anymore in the hardcore scene...although it still happens at times. The funny thing is it's usually from a weird combo of bitter middle-aged people complaining about how back in their day they listened to "real punk" and not this, and teenage edgelords who think they're hot shit for only listening to "real punk" and none of that "stupid poser shit."

EDIT: another example that REALLY pisses me off because it's also blatantly sexist is calling Hayley Williams a poser in regards to some of the band shirts she wears and whatnot...because she's actually super credible and has like better personal taste than 99.99% of people. Plus the label wanted to make her into a teenybopper pop star and she adamantly refused. There is no standard whatsoever by which she could be considered a "poser."

Why