A list of puns related to "Why We Hate"
My response:
They probably consider them "holy"
"He should be called Hi-Ki. Because he is Lo-Ki's elder brother".
He nearly cried.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says “What’s the problem?”
Moth says “I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I’m too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I’ve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we’ve ever had to face in this region. Isn’t it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn’t that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there’s my son. Doc, I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn’t such a coward, Doc, I know I’d be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I’d be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I’m judgemental yet I care about nothing. I’m bitter, hateful and afraid. I’m alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.”
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says “Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I’m a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why’d you come in here?”
The moth says,”Your light was on.”
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡Lol, on last year's Valentine's day my best friend had got mad at me for not asking my crush out.
We'd planned on going to McDonald's together because he didn't have a date either. When I arrived at McDonald's this f*cker was holding a cardboard box with a terrified look and when he saw me he immediately gave me the box and told me he'd already bought the food and that we better take the bus to my place. I just thought he probably was joking or something because the box didn't even have any kind of decoration, it even had a chips brand printed on it, but as we got to the bus and sat I felt something moving inside, I thought maybe it was a puppy or something, but why did he look scared of it?
So, we get to my house, I go to my backyard, where my then 7yo beagle was and I open the box. I could only see a black blur flying out of it and then heard my best friend scream. It was a rooster. He's terrified of birds. And weirdest of all it was a fully grown rooster but he was super tiny, like 10 inches tall tiny.
I asked him wtf was going on and he just kinda hid behind the backyard door and said "I bought it so that you could get some cock tonight". I always make puns and he hates them, I was speechless. So long story short I now own 6 chickens and 4 roosters (my mom got super mad at him for buying the rooster, but then she got super attached and bought him a chicken, when she laid eggs she let them hatch, the rooster's name is Enrique btw, my mom even made him a birthday party and all last week, lol)
What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.
If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.
Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.
I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.
Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.
I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *
Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.
I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.
Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.
Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?
Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.
Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?
Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.
Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.
Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"
I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.
So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
When you get an infection, urine trouble.
"Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."
How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."
Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.
Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *
*My absolut
... keep reading on reddit ➡How does every Russian joke start? By looking over your shoulder.
Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn? Nothing, they’re both fictional characters
What’s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? It’s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party’s.
What do you call a Russian with Tourette’s Syndrome? Yukanol Fukov.
What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes? A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User’s Manual? The bus and train timetables.
What is Communism? The Poles say it’s the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.
What do you call a gassy russian? Vladimir Tootin
What is the fastest country in the world? A: Russia
What do you call a Lada on a hill? A bloody miracle.
What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin? Put-it-in!
What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles? Electricity.
Did you hear about the winner of the Russian beauty contest? Me neither.
When was the first Russian election held? The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, “Go ahead, choose your wife.”
Russia really Putin a lot of work for the Winter Olympics
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
America: Hey Ivan.. Russia: da.. America: what do you call a gassy Russian.. Russia: hoe don’t-.. America: Vladimir Tootin.. Russia: ! America: !!.. Russia: fuck you.
Me: Netflix and chill more like NYET-flix and chill.. Closetcellist: in a russian accent NO FILMS. ONLY CHILL.
So you want to tell me… Hilbert was Russian to the loud noise?
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?” We’re answering: “The English fairy tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why some people say that Hungarians love the Russians and hate the Americans?” We’re answering: “Because Russians helped Hungarians to get rid of one totalitarian rule, but Americans don’t help to get rid of the other.”
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?” We’re answering: “At Lenin’s time, Ru
... keep reading on reddit ➡… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes
[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]
Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:
January:
Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes
An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes
February:
Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes
My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes
March:
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.
[When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da
From movie puns we provide you the funniest collection of Star Wars puns
What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber? A Sith-Kabob!
Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns? So it doesn’t Hang Solow!
Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money? Because he’s always a little short
What program do Jedi use to view PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi
What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi
What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets? Wookieeleaks
What do you call a Jedi in denial? Obi-Wan Cannot Be
Where does Princess Leia go shopping for clothing? At the Darth Maul
Greg: Which Star Wars character travels around the world? Craig: Who? Greg: Globi-wan Kenobi!
Matthew: What does a Star Destroyer wear to a wedding? Daniel: What? Matthew: Bow ties, of course!
Deen Why was the droid angry? Mark: Why? Deen People kept pushing its buttons.
Luke: Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? Lei Not sure. Luke: To get to the Dark Side.
Darth Vader: I know what you’re getting for Christmas. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.
What do Whipids say when they kiss? Ouch.
What is a jedi’s favorite toy? A yo-yoda
What do you call a pirate droid? Argh2-D2
Where does Jabba the Hutt eat? Pizza Hutt
What is Jabba the Hutt’s middle name? “The” Why is Han Solo a loner? Because he’s solo.
What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi What do you call a Sith who won’t fight? A Sithy.
What time is it when Darth Vader steps on your chronometer? Time to get a new chronometer.
What do you call a pirate droid? Arrrrgh-2-D2
Which side of a wookie has the most hair? The outside.
Where does Jabba eat dinner? Pizza Hutt
Who do Jedi call to help open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi
What do you call someone that tries to be a Jedi? Obi-Wannabe
What do you call a bounty hunter from Alabama? Bubba Fett
What time is it when Jabba the Hutt sits on your blaster? Time to get a new blaster! Why is Luke
Skywalker always invited on picnics? He always has the forks with him.
Which imperial officer hated Thanksgiving? Grand Moff Turkeyn
What do you call stormtroopers playing Monopoly? Game of Clones
Why did
... keep reading on reddit ➡This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.
Sister: My balls are caught in the door!
Me: LOL, WHAT?
Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.
**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.
**Grandma**: *grins and nods*
**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.
**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.
**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.
**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.
**Grandpa**: No, $2.
**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.
**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*
~
**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.
**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.
**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!
**Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE.
~
**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?
**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?
**Me**: Wow.
~
**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.
**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!
**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!
**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!
**ME**: I DID.
~
**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.
**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...
**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.
~
*while watching American Idol*
**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.
**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.
~
**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!
~
*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*
**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.
**Tyla**: Oh yeah? Well at least Papa loves weenies!
*Me and Papa look at each other*
**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.
~
*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off*
**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?
**Me**: ...Seen what?
**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.
**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about?
**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town?
**Me**: ......
~
*While driving through Alton one morning*
**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.
**Me**: Ew. Coffee is nasty.
**Grandma**: No it isn't! It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!
~
*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face*
**Grandma*Me: I can't take this winter anymore! GF: Let's move to Texas Me: Let's...Well on second thought, we shouldn't. GF: Why not? Me: Because, all my ex' live in Texas
It got a solid laugh...and a little I hate you.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.
Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"
Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!
I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!
Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!
(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/
This happened earlier today.
We were driving to the beach in a five seater car when my sister complained, "I hate being in the middle seat!", to which my dad replied, "Why? would you prefer a different octave?"
Dad: Frucknog! Come in here
Me: What's up?
Dad: open this jar for me, my hands are all wet.
Me: Why do I need to open it, it's already ajar!
We had a good laugh. The rest of my family hates our jokes :(
I had a couple friends in my car to go hang out downtown. I started ragging on my friend about why he didn't drive. He said he has a flat tire.
As we drove out of the neighborhood, I saw a tire leaning up against a fence. I pointed, "well look, there's your new tire"
My other buddy then pipped in, "No, we can't use that one, it's obviously tired." My friend then chimed in, "ha, that was wheely good."
To my two friends...I hate you both.
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